Source of Strength
Source of strength or source of life as the meaning of “kephale” makes sense. Its reality is seen – for good or for bad – in every Christian marriage. Some men use this principle to feed life into their marriage; some men feed death.
The wrong belief that “headship” means authority or rank has never helped anyone! It has only served to validate selfish and controlling men. Men who are naturally good husbands don’t concern themselves with questions about who is in authority in their homes.
Good husbands are servants. They have great marriages because they have been nurturing their wives all along without understanding the true concept of headship. When the good guys (hmm… one out of 500?) were taught that headship meant authority, they heard “servanthood.” Clueless husbands want to talk in terms of “leadership.” The current buzzword is “servant*leadership.” Great husbands don’t care. They are too busy thinking of ways to bless and serve their wives and children.
If your wife asked you to read this book then you*can be pretty sure that you are not one of these naturally born good husbands. You are like me and the other 499! You probably try but you have had a lack of knowledge about how to have a great marriage. Your wife is praying desperately that you will hear this message loudly and clearly!
We, the 499, thought that our wives were not allowed to tell us what to do. Why? Because we believed that we were in charge! We were taught wrongly that we were the “head of our homes,” being interpreted “You are in charge!”
We believed that our wives were trying to control us when they expressed insecurities and fears. We told them point blank, by word or action, “You can’t control me! I will do whatever I want! I am in charge of me and I am in charge of you!” Why? We believed that we were the boss! What is the truth? A husband and wife are to be*one flesh. They are to come to decisions together. They are to lead together as a team. He is not her boss and she is not his.
The key is that marriage is equal.
Equal servanthood. Equal authority.
The idea that headship bestows final authority upon a husband is just plain wrong. What did Jesus say about this?
But JESUS said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you.” Mark 10:42-43
When a husband treats his wife well by validating and affirming her she is strengthened.
When he honors her, assuring her of his love, she is energized.
When he is being gentle, loving and kind, she is enabled to become his dream wife. She abounds with energy. She becomes easy going and looks for ways to please him. Her self-image is strong. Her confidence skyrockets. She is healed of past wounds and abuses.
When a husband treats his wife poorly by devaluing, dishonoring and ignoring her then her energy is depleted. Her self image suffers. She acts out in passive or aggressive ways. She has no confidence and her lack of self esteem is evident in her countenance. She may hide it behind a façade that blusters with arrogance or an overblown sense of ego. She might be honest about how she feels and cry a lot.
When a wife is mistreated for an extended period of time she goes downhill as she struggles to survive. She is always living in her last ounce of strength. She walks in the pain and insecurity of past abuses and has no natural motivation to please her husband. Some wives dutifully look for ways to please a husband who is bringing death to her. She hopes that she can convince him to love her by treating him well. This seldom works.
It normally makes things worse.
Other wives give up trying and could seemingly care less. They do care. They care deeply. Some wives care so deeply that they finally file for divorce to ease the pain. When a man is becoming the husband that his wife needs him to be – he is becoming the man that God has called him to be. She then increases in stature, strength and inner beauty with each passing year.
Yes, a husband is the head of his wife but that does not mean at all what you have always thought that it meant. It means that your marriage rises and falls on what a husband does or doesn’t do. A husband is a source of life or death. You can’t argue or deny it. You can only choose how you will respond.
What will you feed into your marriage? What will it be? Choose today. Life? Or death?
Monday, January 19, 2009
kephale- source of strength
from "Livin' it and Lovin' it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson
Monday, December 22, 2008
Defining "femininity"
quote from Ruby Slippers* by Jonalyn Fincher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
is femininity just too difficult to nail down?
How Philosophers Help Women
...
Philosophers define such slippery things using family resemblance, a list of the many ways things resemble each other. Family resemblances are a list of common but not required characteristics. We know and accept that some members do not have all resemblances. They are still "in" the group because they have enough on the list. As a philosopher, I think this approach works well with femininity.
Family resemblance helps us explain femininity because it keeps our notions of femininity clear yet flexible. We can come up with a list of recurring resemblances that many, though not all, women have. Some items on this list will be characteristic of many women, but all together they may nor be true of every woman. The key is that all women will enjoy at least one of these family characteristics. One is sufficient for a woman to be feminine...
A person has a woman's soul by having the first characteristic. The first family resemblance is something essential to all women. The rest are more commonalities that more women than men share, hence family resemblance.
~~~~Family Resemblance~~~~~~~~~~Description
These are just the beginning of a list of natural feminine resemblances- there may be more. These qualities, as gifts from God may come more easily yo us. These are not things we should have to try to do as much as they will be part of who we are....
Natural femininity is the way we live with our female body and the way we use our soul for vulnerability, interdependence, sensitive awareness, emotional intelligence, and cultivation. The latter five characteristics are not requirements for all women. A man may be sensitive, vulnerable, or a cultivator, but that doesn't make him feminine. A man can never be feminine in his soul because he doesn't have the essential ingredient: a female body. (clips from pages 101-106)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* FINCHER, JONALYN. Ruby Slippers : How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home. Grand Rapids, Mich. Zondervan, 2007, pages 101-106.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
is femininity just too difficult to nail down?
How Philosophers Help Women
...
Philosophers define such slippery things using family resemblance, a list of the many ways things resemble each other. Family resemblances are a list of common but not required characteristics. We know and accept that some members do not have all resemblances. They are still "in" the group because they have enough on the list. As a philosopher, I think this approach works well with femininity.
Family resemblance helps us explain femininity because it keeps our notions of femininity clear yet flexible. We can come up with a list of recurring resemblances that many, though not all, women have. Some items on this list will be characteristic of many women, but all together they may nor be true of every woman. The key is that all women will enjoy at least one of these family characteristics. One is sufficient for a woman to be feminine...
A person has a woman's soul by having the first characteristic. The first family resemblance is something essential to all women. The rest are more commonalities that more women than men share, hence family resemblance.
~~~~Family Resemblance~~~~~~~~~~Description
- Female body---------> A soul interwoven into a female body
- Vulnerability--------->In body and soul
- Interdependence----->Identity emerges from intimacy
- Sensitive awareness-->Soul radar for others and ourselves
- Emotional intelligence-> Experience in management of intense emotions
- Cultivation------------> Ability to tend others, ourselves, and the world
These are just the beginning of a list of natural feminine resemblances- there may be more. These qualities, as gifts from God may come more easily yo us. These are not things we should have to try to do as much as they will be part of who we are....
Natural femininity is the way we live with our female body and the way we use our soul for vulnerability, interdependence, sensitive awareness, emotional intelligence, and cultivation. The latter five characteristics are not requirements for all women. A man may be sensitive, vulnerable, or a cultivator, but that doesn't make him feminine. A man can never be feminine in his soul because he doesn't have the essential ingredient: a female body. (clips from pages 101-106)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* FINCHER, JONALYN. Ruby Slippers : How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home. Grand Rapids, Mich. Zondervan, 2007, pages 101-106.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Re-Thinking Eve...
Quotes from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge
When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”
The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.
quote:
Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God’s own heart...
...the story of Eve... We clearly haven’t learned its lessons- for if we had, men would treat women much much differently, and women would view themselves in a far better light...
Adam steps forth, the image of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo’s David. He is... magnificent. Truly the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something in missing... and that something is Eve...
She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one least flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master’s finishing touch... His piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill... (Ladies) Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, “The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.”
And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve... Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. ...Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance.
quote:
Back in Genesis when God sets his image bearers on the earth, he gives them their mission:
Gen 1:26-28.
Call it the Human Mission- to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice- the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. “And God said to them...” Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth- all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture- we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.
When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”
The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.
Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. Pg 31-32
quote:
clips from pages 82-85
The story of the treatment of women down through the ages is not a noble history. It has noble moments, to be sure, but taken as a whole, women have endured what seems to be a special hatred ever since we left Eden. ...
You might know that through the thousands of years of Jewish history recorded in the Old Testament, Jewish women were considered property with no legal rights (as they were and are in many cultures). They were not allowed to study the Law, nor to formally educate their children. They had a segregated place in the synagogue. It was common practice for a Jewish man to add to his morning prayers, “Thank you, God, for not making me a Gentile, a woman, or a slave.”
...
The assault on femininity- its long history, its utter viciousness- cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. That is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity.
...
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty... he hates Eve.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be.
Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver and a life giver. Eve means “life” or “life producer”...
Put those two things together- that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan’s bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this....
The message of our wounds nearly always is, “This is because of you. This is what you deserve.” It changes things to realize that, no, it is because you are glorious that these things happened. It is because you are a major threat to the kingdom of darkness. Because you uniquely carry the glory of God to the world.
You are hated because of your beauty and power.
quote:
Pg 91
You really won’t understand your life as a woman until you understand this:
You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by his Enemy.
And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your feminine soul.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Sex is a "type" of heaven
from "Sex God" by Rob Bell
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If marriage is meant to show people what the oneness of God is like, what happens when everybody is one in the presence of God?
If marriage is a picture of something else, what would happen to marriage if we found ourselves living in the midst of that something else?
Is sex in its greatest, purest, most joyful and honest expression a glimpse of forever?
Are these brief moments of abandon and oneness and ecstasy just a couple of seconds or minutes of how things will be forever?
Is sex a picture of heaven?...
Maybe Jesus knew what was coming and knew that whatever we experience here will pale compared with what awaits everyone.
Do you long for that?
Because that's the center of Jesus' message.
An invitation.
To trust that it's true,
to trust that it's real,
to trust that God is actually going to make all things new.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If marriage is meant to show people what the oneness of God is like, what happens when everybody is one in the presence of God?
If marriage is a picture of something else, what would happen to marriage if we found ourselves living in the midst of that something else?
Is sex in its greatest, purest, most joyful and honest expression a glimpse of forever?
Are these brief moments of abandon and oneness and ecstasy just a couple of seconds or minutes of how things will be forever?
Is sex a picture of heaven?...
Maybe Jesus knew what was coming and knew that whatever we experience here will pale compared with what awaits everyone.
Do you long for that?
Because that's the center of Jesus' message.
An invitation.
To trust that it's true,
to trust that it's real,
to trust that God is actually going to make all things new.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
"The Sacred Romance": Quotes
This was the first place I recall reading of intimacy with Christ described this way. Until I read this, I thought I was the only one who knew about it, and I was embarrassed to talk about how intensely intimate I feel with my Lord.
Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge
Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge
quote:Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge
Heaven is the beginning of an adventure in intimacy, "a world of love," as Jonathan Edwards wrote, "where God is the fountain." The Holy Spirit, through the human authors of Scripture, chose the imagery of a wedding feast for a reason. It's not just any kind of party; its a wedding feast. What sets this special feast apart from all others is the unique intimacy of the wedding night. THe Spirit uses the most secret and tender experience on earth- the union of husband and wife- to convey the depth of intimacy that we will partake with our Lord in heaven. He is the Bridegroom and the church is his bride. There we shall receive out new name, known only to our Lover, which he shall give us on a white stone (Rev. 2:17)
quote:
"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...
There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it...
As our soul grows in the love of God and journeys forth toward Him, our heart's capacities also grow and expand...
But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it's safer that way. It's also godless. That's stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life...
Awakened souls are often disappointed, but our disappointment can lead us onward, actually increasing our desire and lifting it toward its true passion. pg 199-201
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Your desire shall be for your husband.
from Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson the chapter entitled "This Woman you gave me, Lord" which is available to read online here
QUOTE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that she would have for you.
She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful relationship with you.
Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect. Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner. Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming ‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve you. You truly love her for who
she is. When you are bonded to your wife she always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing your own thing in order to maintain your independence.
At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be perfectly capable of living a successful life.
Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically. In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!
God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart, she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that you are trying to force her to do. The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.
It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about that!
I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet” regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk it out in order to get that all important sense of closure. I would tell her that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart right.”
Each wife is unique and she has the manual for her own marriage. I was very proud of all of the marriage books I read before marrying Kathy. She was thrilled to marry a guy who seemed interested in having a great relationship. The problem came after we were married and Kathy began to express what she needed from me individually. If it were not my idea, I would resist! If she wanted to talk, I would buy her flowers. If she wanted to get some flowers, I would take her out to dinner. I was insistent that Kathy be grateful and thankful for the expressions of love that I wanted to show to her instead of listening and responding to her heart.
QUOTE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that she would have for you.
Your desire shall be for your husband. Genesis 3:16
She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful relationship with you.
Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect. Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner. Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming ‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve you. You truly love her for who
she is. When you are bonded to your wife she always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing your own thing in order to maintain your independence.
At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be perfectly capable of living a successful life.
Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically. In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!
God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart, she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that you are trying to force her to do. The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.
It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about that!
I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet” regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk it out in order to get that all important sense of closure. I would tell her that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart right.”
Each wife is unique and she has the manual for her own marriage. I was very proud of all of the marriage books I read before marrying Kathy. She was thrilled to marry a guy who seemed interested in having a great relationship. The problem came after we were married and Kathy began to express what she needed from me individually. If it were not my idea, I would resist! If she wanted to talk, I would buy her flowers. If she wanted to get some flowers, I would take her out to dinner. I was insistent that Kathy be grateful and thankful for the expressions of love that I wanted to show to her instead of listening and responding to her heart.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
"I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate."
Joel and Kathy team wrote Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His:
QUOTE:
I [Kathy] did not ever consider Joel to be physically abusive. The abuse was mental, emotional and spiritual. What is “spiritual abuse?” Spiritual abuse is when a man uses the Word of God to justify mistreatment of his wife. Instead of being gentle and kind toward his wife, he is harsh and condemning. He uses the popular submission scriptures to justify this harsh treatment and keep his wife “under his thumb.”
Joel discovered that he could use the Word to justify his inflicting emotional abuse upon and playing mental head games with me. I called Joel my “iron fist.” The iron fist would come down anytime I disagreed with him or asked him to treat me with respect.
The solution to spiritual abuse is found in Colossians 3:12-13. “Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” The solution is simple, yet seemingly an unattainable goal for a spiritually abusive man to implement in his relationship toward his wife.
I lived for years being reminded regularly that the man is the head of the home and that I had to submit to him if I was going to live according to the Word of God. “Anything that he says goes.” There was no talk of mutual submission as the Word of God teaches. If I questioned Joel’s authority and position as head of our home then I was that “nagging wife and dripping faucet” that Proverbs warned him about!
Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. You can be controlled in many ways. (Pg 49)
[Joel speaking]
Kathy and I have discovered through study of the Word that God desires the husband and wife to lead the home together as a team. This eliminates the opportunity for the husband to use spiritually abusive phrases such as, “You have to submit to me” and “I am the head of this
house.” (Pg. 123)
My ‘looking down’ on Kathy had simply been a pride- and ego-protecting mechanism common to abusive men. I married at my exact level. If I looked down on Kathy I had to realize that I had faults that were equal hers.
This realization pulled the rug out from under me. I used to assign errands to Kathy as if I was her dad. I would send her out the door knowing that if she did anything wrong or incomplete I would use her mistake as an opportunity to insult her, belittle her, put her down or just give her one of “those looks” that translated into, “How can you be such an idiot?” I always found something that she did incorrectly or incompletely.
...
It did not matter how good of a job she had done at accomplishing my detailed assignment. For some insane reason I wanted Kathy to realize how inept she was! I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate.
I now know that it was because I was afraid of losing her. By making her feel inadequate I thought that I could keep her under my thumb. By tarnishing her selfimage I could make her “feel” like she was fortunate to be married to me. If she lost me she would not be able to attract a quality guy. I rescued her from a low life!
(Pg 140)
Abusive men always think that they married “down”. This fantasy hides the fact that they are desperately afraid of losing their spouses. The physical, mental or emotional abuse is designed to keep their spouse off balance so that they do not feel confident enough to leave. This to the abusive man is his only hope of keeping his wife.
As someone said, “If he would just be a great husband, she wouldn’t WANT to leave!” Yes, this is true. By reading this book, an abusive husband can learn to be a great husband. He does not have to lock his wife in by degrading. He can lock her in by treating her with honor!
So God created man in his image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created THEM! Genesis 1:27
When God looks at your wife and you he sees your union as his crowning creation: “Man”. He sees you together as one rather than two separate and individual beings with different “roles” and “ranks”. This “roles and ranks” emphasis has been foundational in the Body of Christ for years. It contributes nothing that positively impacts a couple’s marriage relationship. Instead, it negatively contributes to justifying the controlling nature with which Christian men seek to dominate their wives. The emphasis needs to be re-examined and ultimately discarded. It serves no productive purpose. (143)
QUOTE:
I [Kathy] did not ever consider Joel to be physically abusive. The abuse was mental, emotional and spiritual. What is “spiritual abuse?” Spiritual abuse is when a man uses the Word of God to justify mistreatment of his wife. Instead of being gentle and kind toward his wife, he is harsh and condemning. He uses the popular submission scriptures to justify this harsh treatment and keep his wife “under his thumb.”
Joel discovered that he could use the Word to justify his inflicting emotional abuse upon and playing mental head games with me. I called Joel my “iron fist.” The iron fist would come down anytime I disagreed with him or asked him to treat me with respect.
The solution to spiritual abuse is found in Colossians 3:12-13. “Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” The solution is simple, yet seemingly an unattainable goal for a spiritually abusive man to implement in his relationship toward his wife.
I lived for years being reminded regularly that the man is the head of the home and that I had to submit to him if I was going to live according to the Word of God. “Anything that he says goes.” There was no talk of mutual submission as the Word of God teaches. If I questioned Joel’s authority and position as head of our home then I was that “nagging wife and dripping faucet” that Proverbs warned him about!
Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. You can be controlled in many ways. (Pg 49)
[Joel speaking]
Kathy and I have discovered through study of the Word that God desires the husband and wife to lead the home together as a team. This eliminates the opportunity for the husband to use spiritually abusive phrases such as, “You have to submit to me” and “I am the head of this
house.” (Pg. 123)
My ‘looking down’ on Kathy had simply been a pride- and ego-protecting mechanism common to abusive men. I married at my exact level. If I looked down on Kathy I had to realize that I had faults that were equal hers.
This realization pulled the rug out from under me. I used to assign errands to Kathy as if I was her dad. I would send her out the door knowing that if she did anything wrong or incomplete I would use her mistake as an opportunity to insult her, belittle her, put her down or just give her one of “those looks” that translated into, “How can you be such an idiot?” I always found something that she did incorrectly or incompletely.
...
It did not matter how good of a job she had done at accomplishing my detailed assignment. For some insane reason I wanted Kathy to realize how inept she was! I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate.
I now know that it was because I was afraid of losing her. By making her feel inadequate I thought that I could keep her under my thumb. By tarnishing her selfimage I could make her “feel” like she was fortunate to be married to me. If she lost me she would not be able to attract a quality guy. I rescued her from a low life!
(Pg 140)
Abusive men always think that they married “down”. This fantasy hides the fact that they are desperately afraid of losing their spouses. The physical, mental or emotional abuse is designed to keep their spouse off balance so that they do not feel confident enough to leave. This to the abusive man is his only hope of keeping his wife.
As someone said, “If he would just be a great husband, she wouldn’t WANT to leave!” Yes, this is true. By reading this book, an abusive husband can learn to be a great husband. He does not have to lock his wife in by degrading. He can lock her in by treating her with honor!
So God created man in his image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created THEM! Genesis 1:27
When God looks at your wife and you he sees your union as his crowning creation: “Man”. He sees you together as one rather than two separate and individual beings with different “roles” and “ranks”. This “roles and ranks” emphasis has been foundational in the Body of Christ for years. It contributes nothing that positively impacts a couple’s marriage relationship. Instead, it negatively contributes to justifying the controlling nature with which Christian men seek to dominate their wives. The emphasis needs to be re-examined and ultimately discarded. It serves no productive purpose. (143)
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