Resources Collected during My Journey

"People of the Lie" excerpts

2009-09-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

from "People of the Lie: the hope for healing human evil" by M. Scott Peck page 71ff (excerpts from Chapter 2)

As I have written elsewhere: "Blessed are the poor in spirit," Jesus began when the time came for him to address the multitudes. What did he mean by this opener? . . . What is so great about feeling down on yourself-about having this sense of personal sin? If you ask that, it might help to remember the Pharisees. They were the fat cats of Jesus' day. They didn't feel poor in spirit. They felt they had it all together, that they were the ones who knew the score, who deserved to be the culture leaders in Jerusalem and Palestine. And they were the ones who murdered Jesus.

The poor in spirit do not commit evil. Evil is not committed by people who feel uncertain about their righteousness, who question their own motives, who worry about betraying themselves. The evil in this world is committed by the spiritual fat cats, by the Pharisees of our own day, the self-righteous who think they are without sin because they are unwilling to suffer the discomfort of significant self-examination.

Unpleasant though it may be, the sense of personal sin is precisely that which keeps our sin from getting out of hand. It is quite painful at times, but it is a very great blessing because it is our one and only effective safeguard against our own proclivity for evil. Saint Therese of Lisieux put it so nicely in her gentle way: "If you are willing to serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to yourself, then you will be for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter.~~*

The evil do not serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to themselves. In fact, they don't bear it at all. I could not, for instance, detect a hint of self-recrimination in Bobby's parents. And it is out of their failure to put themselves on trial that their evil arises.

The varieties of people's wickedness are manifold. As a result of their refusal to tolerate the sense of their own sinfulness, the evil ones become uncorrectable grab bags of sin. They are, for instance, in my experience, remarkably greedy people. Thus they are cheap-so cheap that their "gifts" may be murderous. In The Road Less Traveled, I suggested the most basic sin is laziness. In the next subsection I suggest it may be pride-because all sins are reparable except the sin of believing one is without sin. But perhaps the question of which sin is the greatest is, on a certain level, a moot issue. All sins betray-and isolate us from-both the divine and our fellow creatures. As one deep religious thinker put it, any sin "can harden into hell":

· Marilyn von Waldener and M. Scott Peck, "What Return Can I Make?" (awaiting publication).

· . . There can be a state of soul against which Love itself is powerless because it has hardened itself against Love. Hell is essentially a state of being which we fashion for ourselves: a state of final separateness from God which is the result not of God's repudiation of man, but of man's repudiation of God, and a repudiation which is eternal precisely because it has become, in itself, immovable. There are analogies in human experience: the hate which is so blind, so dark, that Love only makes it the more violent; the pride which is so stony that humility only makes it more scornful; the inertia-last but not least the inertia-which has so taken possession of the personality that no crisis, no appeal, no inducement whatsoever, can stir it into activity, but on the contrary makes it bury itself the more deeply in its immobility. So with the soul and God; pride can become hardened into hell, hatred can become hardened into hell, any of the seven root forms of wrongdoing can harden into hell, and not least that sloth which is boredom with divine things, the inertia that cannot be troubled to repent, even though it sees the abyss into which the soul is falling, because for so long, in little ways perhaps, it has accustomed itself to refuse whatever might cost it an effort. May God in his mercy save us from that.*

A predominant characteristic, however, of the behavior of those I call evil is scapegoating. Because in their hearts they consider themselves above reproach, they must lash out at anyone who does reproach them. They sacrifice others to preserve their self-image of perfection. Take a simple example of a six-year-old boy who asks his father, "Daddy, why did you call Grand-mommy a bitch?" "I told you to stop bothering me," the father roars. "Now you're going to get it. I'm going to teach you not to use such filthy language, I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap. Maybe that will teach you to clean up what you say and keep your mouth shut when you're told." Dragging the boy upstairs to the soap dish, the father inflicts this punishment on him. In the name of "proper discipline" evil has been committed.

Scapegoating works through a mechanism psychiatrists call projection. Since the evil, deep down, feel themselves to be faultless, it is inevitable that when they are in conflict with the world they will invariably perceive the conflict as the world's fault. Since they must deny their own badness, they must perceive others as bad. They project their own evil onto the world. They never think of themselves as evil; on the other hand, they consequently see much evil in others. The father perceived the profanity and un-cleanliness as existing in his son and took action to cleanse his son's "filthiness." Yet we know it was the father who was profane and unclean. The father projected his own filth onto his son and then assaulted his son in the name of good parenting.

Evil, then, is most often committed in order to scapegoat, and the people I label as evil are chronic scapegoaters. In The Road Less Traveled I defined evil "as the exercise of political power-that is, the imposition of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion-in order to avoid . . . spiritual growth" (p. 279). In other words, the evil attack others instead of facing their own failures. Spiritual growth requires the acknowledgment of one's need to grow. If we cannot make that acknowledgment, we have no option except to attempt to eradicate the evidence of our imperfection. *· Ernest Becker, in his final work, Escape from Evil (Macmillan, 1965), pointed out the essential role of scapegoating in the genesis of human evil. He erred, I believe, in focusing exclusively on the fear of death as the sole motive for such scapegoating. Indeed, I think the fear of self-criticism is the more potent motive. Although Becker did not make the point, he might have equated the fear of self-criticism with the fear of death. Self-criticism is a call to personality change. As soon as I criticize a part of myself I incur an obligation to change that part. But the process of personality change is a painful one. It is like a death. The old personality pattern must die for a new pattern to take its place. The evil are pathologically attached to the status quo of their personalities, which in their narcissism they consciously regard as perfect. I think it is quite possible that the evil may perceive even a small degree of change in their beloved selves as representing total annihilation. In this sense, the threat of self-criticism may feel to one who is evil synonymous with the threat of extinction. How this is so will become clear as we go more deeply into the subject of narcissism.

Strangely enough, evil people are often destructive because they are attempting to destroy evil. The problem is that they misplace the locus of the evil. Instead of destroying others they should be destroying the sickness within themselves. As life often threatens their self-image of perfection, they are often busily engaged in hating and destroying that life-usually in the name of righteousness. The fault, however, may not be so much that they hate life as that they do not hate the sinful part of themselves. I doubt that Bobby's parents deliberately wanted to kill Stuart or him. I suspect if I had gotten to know them well enough, I would have found their murderous behavior totally dictated by an extreme form of self-protectiveness which invariably sacrificed others rather than themselves.

What is the cause of this failure of self-hatred, this failure to be displeasing to oneself, which seems to be the central sin at the root of the scapegoating behavior of those I call evil? The cause is not, I believe, an absent conscience. There are people, both in and out of jail, who seem utterly lacking in conscience or superego. Psychiatrists call them psychopaths or sociopaths. Guiltless, they not only commit crimes but may often do so with a kind of reckless abandon. There is little pattern or meaning to their criminality; it is not particularly characterized by scapegoating. Conscienceless, psychopaths appear to be bothered or worried by very little-including their own criminality. They seem to be about as happy inside a jail as out. They do attempt to hide their crimes, but their efforts to do so are often feeble and careless and poorly planned. They have sometimes been referred to as "moral imbeciles," and there is almost a quality of innocence to their lack of worry and concern.

This is hardly the case with those I call evil. Utterly dedicated to preserving their self-image of perfection, they are unceasingly engaged in the effort to maintain the appearance of moral purity. They worry about this a great deal. They are acutely sensitive to social norms and what others might think of them. Like Bobby's parents, they dress well, go to work on time, pay their taxes, and outwardly seem to live lives that are above reproach.

The words "image, appearance, and "outwardly" are crucial to understanding the morality of the evil. While they seem to lack any motivation to be good, they intensely desire to appear good. Their "goodness" is all on a level of pretense. It is, in effect, a lie. This is why they are the "people of the lie."

Actually, the lie is designed not so much to deceive others as to deceive themselves. They cannot or will not tolerate the pain of self-reproach. The decorum with which they lead their lives is maintained as a mirror in which they can see themselves reflected righteously. Yet the self-deceit would be unnecessary if the evil had no sense of right and wrong. We lie only when we are attempting to cover up something we know to be illicit. Some rudimentary form of conscience must precede the act of lying. There is no need to hide unless we first feel that something needs to be hidden.

We come now to a sort of paradox. I have said that evil people feel themselves to be perfect. At the same time, however, I think they have an unacknowledged sense of their own evil nature. Indeed, it is this very sense from which they are frantically trying to flee. The essential component of evil is not the absence of a sense of sin or imperfection but the unwillingness to tolerate that sense. At one and the same time, the evil are aware of their evil and desperately trying to avoid the awareness. Rather than blissfully lacking a sense of morality, like the psychopath, they are continually engaged in sweeping the evidence of their evil under the rug of their own consciousness. For everything they did, Bobby's parents had a rationalization-a whitewash good enough for themselves even if not for me. The problem is not a defect of conscience but the effort to deny the conscience its due. We become evil by attempting to hide from ourselves. The wickedness of the evil is not committed directly, but indirectly as a part of this cover-up process. Evil Originates not in the absence of guilt but in the effort to escape it.

It often happens, then, that the evil may be recognized by its very disguise. The lie can be perceived before the misdeed it is designed to hide-the cover-up before the fact. We see the smile that hides the hatred, the smooth and oily manner that masks the fury, the velvet glove that covers the fist. Because they are such experts at disguise, it is seldom possible to pinpoint the maliciousness of the evil. The disguise is usually impenetrable. But what we can catch are glimpses of "The uncanny game of hide-and-seek in the obscurity of the soul, in which it, the single human soul, evades itself, avoids itself, hides from itself.*

*Buber, "Good and Evil", p. 111. Since the primary motive of the evil is disguise, one of the places evil people are most likely to be found is within the church. What better way to conceal one's evil from oneself, as well as from others, than to be a deacon or some other highly visible form of Christian within our culture? In India I would suppose that the evil would demonstrate a similar tendency to be "good" Hindus or "good" Moslems. I do not mean to imply that the evil are anything other than a small minority among the religious or that the religious motives of most people are in any way spurious. I mean only that evil people tend to gravitate toward piety for the disguise and concealment it can offer them.

In "The Road Less Traveled" I suggested that laziness or the desire to escape "legitimate suffering" lies at the root of all mental illness. Here we are also talking about avoidance and evasion of pain. What distinguishes the evil, however, from the rest of us mentally ill sinners is the specific type of pain they are running away from. They are not pain avoiders or lazy people in general. To the contrary, they are likely to exert themselves more than most in their continuing effort to obtain and maintain an image of high respectability. They may willingly, even eagerly, undergo great hardships in their search for status. It is only one particular kind of pain they cannot tolerate: the pain of their own conscience, the pain of the realization of their own sinfulness and imperfection.

Since they will do almost anything to avoid the particular pain that comes from self-examination, under ordinary circumstances the evil are the last people who would ever come to psychotherapy. The evil hate the light-the light of goodness that shows them up, the light of scrutiny that exposes them, the light of truth that penetrates their deception. Psychotherapy is a light-shedding process par excellence. Except for the most twisted motives, an evil person would be more likely to choose any other conceivable route than the psychiatrist's couch. The submission to the discipline of self-observation required by psychoanalysis does, in fact, seem to them like suicide. The most significant reason we know so little scientifically about human evil is simply that the evil are so extremely reluctant to be studied.

If the central defect of the evil is not one of conscience, then where does it reside? The essential psychological problem of human evil, I believe, is a particular variety of narcissism.

NARCISSISM AND WILL

Narcissism, or self-absorption, takes many forms. Some are normal. Some are normal in childhood but not in adulthood. Some are more distinctly pathological than others. The subject is as complex as it is important. It is not the purpose of this book, however, to give a balanced view of the whole topic, so we will proceed immediately to that particular pathologic variant that Erich Fromm called "malignant narcissism.

Malignant narcissism is characterized by an un-submitted will. All adults who are mentally healthy submit themselves one way or another to something higher than themselves, be it God or truth or love or some other ideal. They do what God wants them to do rather than what they would desire. "Thy will, not mine, be done," the God-submitted person says. They believe in what is true rather than what they would like to be true.

Summary: to a greater or lesser degree, all mentally healthy individuals submit themselves to the demands of their own conscience. Not so the evil, however. In the conflict between their guilt and their will, it is the guilt that must go and the will that must win.

The reader will be struck by the extraordinary willfulness of evil people. They are men and women of obviously strong will, determined to have their own way. There is a remarkable power in the manner in which they attempt to control others.*

* The over-controllingness of evil is well expressed through the Mormon myth in which Christ and Satan were each required to present God with his own plan for dealing with the infant human race. Satan's plan was simple (of the sort that most business and military leaders today would come up with): God had armies of angels at His command; just assign an angel with punitive power to each human, and He would have no trouble keeping them in line. Christ's plan was radically different and more imaginative (and biophilic): "Let them have free will and go their own way," he proposed, "but allow me to live and die as one of them, both as an example of how to live and of how much You care for them." God, of course, chose Christ's plan as the more creative, and Satan rebelled at the choice. The controlling nature of evil is also treated at length by Marguerite Shuster in her unpublished dissertation, "Power, Pathology and Paradox" (Fuller Theological Seminary, 1977).

Theologians speak of evil being a consequence of free will. When God, creating us in His own image, gave us free will, He had to allow us humans the option of evil. The problem can also be envisioned in the secular terms of evolution theory. The "will" of less evolved creatures seems largely under the control of their instincts. When humans evolved from the apes, however, they largely evolved out from under such instinctual controls and hence into free will. This evolution leaves humans in the position of being either totally willful or having to seek new ways of self-control through submission to higher principles. But this still leaves us with the question of why some human beings are able to achieve such submission while others are not.

Indeed, it is almost tempting to think that the problem of evil lies in the will itself. Perhaps the evil are born so inherently strong-willed that it is impossible for them ever to submit their will. Yet I think it is characteristic of all "great" people that they are extremely strong-willed-whether their greatness be for good or for evil. The strong will-the power and authority-of Jesus radiates from the Gospels, just as Hitler's did from Mein Kampf. But Jesus' will was that of his Father, and Hitler's that of his own. The crucial distinction is between "willingness and willfulness.'*

This willful failure of submission that characterizes malignant narcissism is depicted in both the stories of Satan and of Cain and Abel. Satan refused to submit to God's judgment that Christ was superior to him. For Christ to be preferred meant that Satan was not. Satan was less than Christ in God's eyes. For Satan to have accepted God's judgment, he would have had to accept his own imperfection. This he could not or would not do. It was unthinkable that he was imperfect. Consequently submission was impossible and both the rebellion and fall inevitable. So also God's acceptance of Abel's sacrifice implied a criticism of Cain: Cain was less than Abel in God's eyes. Since he refused to acknowledge his imperfection, it was inevitable that Cain, like Satan, should take the law into his own hands and commit murder. In some similar, although usually more subtle fashion, all who are evil also take the law into their own hands, to destroy life or liveliness in defense of their narcissistic self-image.

"Pride goeth before the fall"

"Pride goeth before the fall," it is said, and of course laymen simply call pride what we have labeled with the fancy psychiatric term of "malignant narcissism." Being at the very root of evil, it is no accident that Church authorities have generally considered pride first among the sins. By the sin of pride they do not generally mean the sense of legitimate achievement one might enjoy after a job well done. While such pride, like normal narcissism, may have its pitfalls, it is also part of healthy self-confidence and a realistic sense of self-worth. What is meant is, rather, a kind of pride that unrealistically denies our inherent sinfulness and imperfection-a kind of overweening pride or arrogance that prompts people to reject and even attack the judgment implied by the day-to-day evidence of their own inadequacy. Despite its fruits, Bobby's parents saw no fault in their child care. In Buber's words, the malignantly narcissistic insist upon "affirmation independent of all findings.~~*

What is the cause of this overweening pride, this arrogant self-image of perfection, this particularly malignant type of narcissism? Why does it afflict a few when most seem to escape its clutches? We do not know. In the past fifteen years psychiatrists have begun to pay increasing attention to the phenomenon of narcissism, but our understanding of the subject is still in its infancy. We have not yet succeeded, for instance, in distinguishing the different types of excessive self-absorption. There are many who are clearly-even grossly-narcissistic in one way or another but are not evil. All I can say at this point is that the particular brand of narcissism that characterizes evil people seems to be one that particularly afflicts the will. Why a person should be a victim of this type and not another or none at all, I can only vaguely surmise.
It is my experience that evil seems to run in families. The person to be described in Chapter 4 had evil parents. But the familial pattern, if accurate, does nothing to resolve the old "nature versus nurture" controversy. Does evil run in families because it is genetic and inherited? Or because it is learned by the child in imitation of its parents? Or even as a defense against its parents? And how are we to explain the fact that many of the children of evil parents, although usually scarred, are not evil? We do not know, and we will not know until an enormous amount of painstaking scientific work has been accomplished.

Nonetheless, a leading theory of the genesis of pathological narcissism is that it is a defensive phenomenon. Since almost all young children demonstrate a formidable array of narcissistic characteristics, it is assumed that narcissism is something we generally "grow out of" in the course of normal development, through a stable childhood, under the care of loving and understanding parents. If the parents are cruel and unloving, however, or the childhood otherwise traumatic, it is believed that the infantile narcissism will be preserved as a kind of psychological fortress to protect the child against the vicissitudes of its intolerable life. This theory might well apply to the genesis of human evil. The builders of the medieval cathedrals placed upon their buttresses the figures of gargoyles-themselves symbols of evil-in order to ward off the spirits of greater evil. Thus children may become evil in order to defend themselves against the onslaughts of parents who are evil. It is possible, therefore, to think of human evil-or some of it-as a kind of psychological gargoylism.

There are other ways, however, to look at the genesis of human evil. The fact of the matter is that some of us are very good and some of us very evil, and most of us are somewhere in between. We might therefore think of human good and evil as a kind of continuum. As individuals we can move ourselves one way or another along the continuum. Just as there is a tendency for the rich to get richer, however, and the poor to get poorer, so there seems to be a tendency for the good to get better and the bad to get worse. Erich Fromm spoke of these matters at some length:

"Our capacity to choose changes constantly with our practice of life. The longer we continue to make the wrong decisions, the more our heart hardens; the more often we make the right decision, the more our heart softens-or better perhaps, comes alive."

from pg 83:

In my own view, the issue of free will, like so many great truths, is a paradox. On the one hand, free will is a reality. We can be free to choose without "shibboleths" or conditioning or many other factors. On the other hand, we cannot choose freedom. There are only two states of being: submission to God and goodness or the refusal to submit to anything beyond one's own will- which refusal automatically enslaves one to the forces of evil. We must ultimately belong to either God or the devil. This paradox was, of course expressed by Christ when he said "Whosoever will save his life shall lose it. And whosoever shall sole his life, for my sake, shall find it."... As C. S. Lewis put it, "there is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second is claimed by God and counterclaimed by Satan." I suppose the only true state of freedom is to stand exactly halfway between God and the devil, uncommitted either to goodness or to utter selfishness. But that freedom is to be torn apart. It is intolerable... we nmust choose. One enslavement or the other.

Hell is a CHOICE

2009-09-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

"God does not punish us; we punish ourselves. Those who are in hell are there by their own choice. Indeed, they could walk right out of it if they so chose, except that their values are such as to make the path out of hell appear overwhelmingly dangerous, frighteningly painful, and impossibly difficult. So they remain in hell because it seems safe and easy to them. They prefer it that way. This situation and the psychodymamics involved were the subject of C. S. Lewis' fine book The Great Divorce. The notion that people are in hell by their own choice is not widely familiar, but the fact is that it is both good psychology and good theology." --M. Scott Peck

"I willingly believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful, rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside." --C. S. Lewis

"It's not a question of God 'sending' us to Hell. In each of us there is something growing up which will of itself be Hell unless it is nipped in the bud. The matter is serious: let us put ourselves in His hands at once---this very day, this hour." --C. S. Lewis

"While He nurtures us, He also desires to penetrate us"

2009-09-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

from "People of the Lie: the hope for healing human evil" by M. Scott Peck pg 11-12

So I ask you to be careful in this respect also. Great evil has been committed throughout the centuries-----and is still being committed-----by nominal Christians, often in the name of Christ. The visible Christian Church is necessary , even saving, but obviously faulty, and I do apologize for its sins as well as my own.

Crusades and inquisitions had nothing to do with Christ. War, torture, and persecution have nothing to do with Christ. Arrogance and revenge have nothing to do with Christ. When he gave his one recorded sermon, the first words out of Jesus’ mouth were, “Blessed are the poor in spirit.” Not the arrogant. And as he was dying he asked that his murderers be forgiven.

In a letter to her sister, Saint Theresa of Lysieux wrote, “If you are willing to serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to yourself, then you will be for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter.” To define a “true Christian” is a risky business. But if I had to,.my definition would be that a true Christian is anyone who is “for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter.” There are hundreds of thousands who go to Christian churches every Sunday who are not the least bit willing to be displeasing to themselves, serenely or otherwise, and who are not, therefore, for Jesus a pleasant place of shelter. Conversely, there are millions of Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, atheists, and agnostics who are willing to bear that trial. There is nothing in this work that should offend the latter. Much may offend the former.

I feel compelled to make another “nonapology.” Many readers are likely to be concerned my use of masculine pronouns in relationship to God. I think I both understand and appreciate their concern. It is a matter to which I have given much thought. I have generally been a strong supporter of the women’s movement and action that is reasonable to combat sexist language.

But first of all, God is not neuter. He is exploding with life and love----even sexuality of a sort.

So “It” is not appropriate. Certainly I consider God androgynous. He is a gentle and tender and nurturing and maternal as any woman could ever be. Nonetheless, culturally determined though it may be, I subjectively experience His reality as more masculine than feminine. While He nurtures us, He also desires to penetrate us, and while he more often than not flee from His love like a reluctant virgin, He chases after us with a vigor in the hunt that we typically associate with males. As C.S. Lewis put it, in relation to God we are all female. Moreover, whatever our gender or conscious theology, it is our duty----our obligation—in response to His love to attempt to give birth, like Mary, to Christ in ourselves and in others.

I shall, however, break with tradition and use the neuter for Satan. While I know Satan to be lustful to penetrate us, I have not in the least experienced this desire as sexual or creative— only hateful and destructive. It is hard to determine the sex of a snake.

I have made multiple alterations of detail in every one of the many case histories given in this book. The cornerstone of both psychotherapy and science are honesty and accuracy. Nonetheless, Values often compete, and the preservation of confidentiality takes precedence in this book over the full or accurate disclosure of irrelevant detail. The purist, therefore, may destruct my “data.” On the other hand, if you think you recognize one of my specific patients in this book, you will be wrong. You will, however, probably recognize many people who conform to the personality patterns I will describe. That will be because the many alterations of case-history details have not, in my judgement, significantly distorted the reality of the human dynamics involved. As this book has been written because of the commonality of such dynamics, as well as their need to be more clearly perceived and understood by us humans.

kephale- source of strength

2009-01-19T09:53:00.000-08:00

from "Livin' it and Lovin' it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

Source of Strength

Source of strength or source of life as the meaning of “kephale” makes sense. Its reality is seen – for good or for bad – in every Christian marriage. Some men use this principle to feed life into their marriage; some men feed death.

The wrong belief that “headship” means authority or rank has never helped anyone! It has only served to validate selfish and controlling men. Men who are naturally good husbands don’t concern themselves with questions about who is in authority in their homes.

Good husbands are servants. They have great marriages because they have been nurturing their wives all along without understanding the true concept of headship. When the good guys (hmm… one out of 500?) were taught that headship meant authority, they heard “servanthood.” Clueless husbands want to talk in terms of “leadership.” The current buzzword is “servant*leadership.” Great husbands don’t care. They are too busy thinking of ways to bless and serve their wives and children.

If your wife asked you to read this book then you*can be pretty sure that you are not one of these naturally born good husbands. You are like me and the other 499! You probably try but you have had a lack of knowledge about how to have a great marriage. Your wife is praying desperately that you will hear this message loudly and clearly!

We, the 499, thought that our wives were not allowed to tell us what to do. Why? Because we believed that we were in charge! We were taught wrongly that we were the “head of our homes,” being interpreted “You are in charge!”

We believed that our wives were trying to control us when they expressed insecurities and fears. We told them point blank, by word or action, “You can’t control me! I will do whatever I want! I am in charge of me and I am in charge of you!” Why? We believed that we were the boss! What is the truth? A husband and wife are to be*one flesh. They are to come to decisions together. They are to lead together as a team. He is not her boss and she is not his.

The key is that marriage is equal.

Equal servanthood. Equal authority.

The idea that headship bestows final authority upon a husband is just plain wrong. What did Jesus say about this?

But JESUS said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you.” Mark 10:42-43

When a husband treats his wife well by validating and affirming her she is strengthened.

When he honors her, assuring her of his love, she is energized.

When he is being gentle, loving and kind, she is enabled to become his dream wife. She abounds with energy. She becomes easy going and looks for ways to please him. Her self-image is strong. Her confidence skyrockets. She is healed of past wounds and abuses.

When a husband treats his wife poorly by devaluing, dishonoring and ignoring her then her energy is depleted. Her self image suffers. She acts out in passive or aggressive ways. She has no confidence and her lack of self esteem is evident in her countenance. She may hide it behind a façade that blusters with arrogance or an overblown sense of ego. She might be honest about how she feels and cry a lot.

When a wife is mistreated for an extended period of time she goes downhill as she struggles to survive. She is always living in her last ounce of strength. She walks in the pain and insecurity of past abuses and has no natural motivation to please her husband. Some wives dutifully look for ways to please a husband who is bringing death to her. She hopes that she can convince him to love her by treating him well. This seldom works.

It normally makes things worse.

Other wives give up trying and could seemingly care less. They do care. They care deeply. Some wives care so deeply that they finally file for divorce to ease the pain. When a man is becoming the husband that his wife needs him to be – he is becoming the man that God has called him to be. She then increases in stature, strength and inner beauty with each passing year.

Yes, a husband is the head of his wife but that does not mean at all what you have always thought that it meant. It means that your marriage rises and falls on what a husband does or doesn’t do. A husband is a source of life or death. You can’t argue or deny it. You can only choose how you will respond.

What will you feed into your marriage? What will it be? Choose today. Life? Or death?

Defining "femininity"

2008-12-22T11:43:00.000-08:00

quote from Ruby Slippers* by Jonalyn Fincher

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
is femininity just too difficult to nail down?

How Philosophers Help Women

...
Philosophers define such slippery things using family resemblance, a list of the many ways things resemble each other. Family resemblances are a list of common but not required characteristics. We know and accept that some members do not have all resemblances. They are still "in" the group because they have enough on the list. As a philosopher, I think this approach works well with femininity.

Family resemblance helps us explain femininity because it keeps our notions of femininity clear yet flexible. We can come up with a list of recurring resemblances that many, though not all, women have. Some items on this list will be characteristic of many women, but all together they may nor be true of every woman. The key is that all women will enjoy at least one of these family characteristics. One is sufficient for a woman to be feminine...

A person has a woman's soul by having the first characteristic. The first family resemblance is something essential to all women. The rest are more commonalities that more women than men share, hence family resemblance.

~~~~Family Resemblance~~~~~~~~~~Description

Female body---------> A soul interwoven into a female body
Vulnerability--------->In body and soul
Interdependence----->Identity emerges from intimacy
Sensitive awareness-->Soul radar for others and ourselves
Emotional intelligence-> Experience in management of intense emotions
Cultivation------------> Ability to tend others, ourselves, and the world

These are just the beginning of a list of natural feminine resemblances- there may be more. These qualities, as gifts from God may come more easily yo us. These are not things we should have to try to do as much as they will be part of who we are....

Natural femininity is the way we live with our female body and the way we use our soul for vulnerability, interdependence, sensitive awareness, emotional intelligence, and cultivation. The latter five characteristics are not requirements for all women. A man may be sensitive, vulnerable, or a cultivator, but that doesn't make him feminine. A man can never be feminine in his soul because he doesn't have the essential ingredient: a female body. (clips from pages 101-106)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* FINCHER, JONALYN. Ruby Slippers : How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home. Grand Rapids, Mich. Zondervan, 2007, pages 101-106.

Re-Thinking Eve...

2008-12-20T04:36:00.000-08:00

Quotes from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

quote:

Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God’s own heart...

...the story of Eve... We clearly haven’t learned its lessons- for if we had, men would treat women much much differently, and women would view themselves in a far better light...

Adam steps forth, the image of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo’s David. He is... magnificent. Truly the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something in missing... and that something is Eve...

She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one least flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master’s finishing touch... His piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill... (Ladies) Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, “The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.”

And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve... Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. ...Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance.

quote:

Back in Genesis when God sets his image bearers on the earth, he gives them their mission:
Gen 1:26-28.

Call it the Human Mission- to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice- the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. “And God said to them...” Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth- all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture- we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. Pg 31-32

quote:
clips from pages 82-85
The story of the treatment of women down through the ages is not a noble history. It has noble moments, to be sure, but taken as a whole, women have endured what seems to be a special hatred ever since we left Eden. ...

You might know that through the thousands of years of Jewish history recorded in the Old Testament, Jewish women were considered property with no legal rights (as they were and are in many cultures). They were not allowed to study the Law, nor to formally educate their children. They had a segregated place in the synagogue. It was common practice for a Jewish man to add to his morning prayers, “Thank you, God, for not making me a Gentile, a woman, or a slave.”

...
The assault on femininity- its long history, its utter viciousness- cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. That is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity.
...
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty... he hates Eve.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be.

Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver and a life giver. Eve means “life” or “life producer”...

Put those two things together- that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan’s bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this....

The message of our wounds nearly always is, “This is because of you. This is what you deserve.” It changes things to realize that, no, it is because you are glorious that these things happened. It is because you are a major threat to the kingdom of darkness. Because you uniquely carry the glory of God to the world.
You are hated because of your beauty and power.

quote:
Pg 91
You really won’t understand your life as a woman until you understand this:

You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by his Enemy.

And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your feminine soul.

Sex is a "type" of heaven

2008-12-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

from "Sex God" by Rob Bell

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If marriage is meant to show people what the oneness of God is like, what happens when everybody is one in the presence of God?

If marriage is a picture of something else, what would happen to marriage if we found ourselves living in the midst of that something else?

Is sex in its greatest, purest, most joyful and honest expression a glimpse of forever?

Are these brief moments of abandon and oneness and ecstasy just a couple of seconds or minutes of how things will be forever?

Is sex a picture of heaven?...

Maybe Jesus knew what was coming and knew that whatever we experience here will pale compared with what awaits everyone.

Do you long for that?

Because that's the center of Jesus' message.

An invitation.

To trust that it's true,

to trust that it's real,

to trust that God is actually going to make all things new.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Sacred Romance": Quotes

2008-11-05T08:17:00.000-08:00

This was the first place I recall reading of intimacy with Christ described this way. Until I read this, I thought I was the only one who knew about it, and I was embarrassed to talk about how intensely intimate I feel with my Lord.

Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

quote:
Heaven is the beginning of an adventure in intimacy, "a world of love," as Jonathan Edwards wrote, "where God is the fountain." The Holy Spirit, through the human authors of Scripture, chose the imagery of a wedding feast for a reason. It's not just any kind of party; its a wedding feast. What sets this special feast apart from all others is the unique intimacy of the wedding night. THe Spirit uses the most secret and tender experience on earth- the union of husband and wife- to convey the depth of intimacy that we will partake with our Lord in heaven. He is the Bridegroom and the church is his bride. There we shall receive out new name, known only to our Lover, which he shall give us on a white stone (Rev. 2:17)

Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

quote:

"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...

There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it...

As our soul grows in the love of God and journeys forth toward Him, our heart's capacities also grow and expand...

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it's safer that way. It's also godless. That's stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life...

Awakened souls are often disappointed, but our disappointment can lead us onward, actually increasing our desire and lifting it toward its true passion. pg 199-201

Your desire shall be for your husband.

2008-10-29T07:08:00.000-07:00

from Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson the chapter entitled "This Woman you gave me, Lord" which is available to read online here

QUOTE:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that she would have for you.

Your desire shall be for your husband. Genesis 3:16

She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful relationship with you.

Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect. Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner. Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming ‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve you. You truly love her for who
she is. When you are bonded to your wife she always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing your own thing in order to maintain your independence.

At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be perfectly capable of living a successful life.

Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically. In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!

God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart, she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that you are trying to force her to do. The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.

It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about that!

I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet” regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk it out in order to get that all important sense of closure. I would tell her that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart right.”

Each wife is unique and she has the manual for her own marriage. I was very proud of all of the marriage books I read before marrying Kathy. She was thrilled to marry a guy who seemed interested in having a great relationship. The problem came after we were married and Kathy began to express what she needed from me individually. If it were not my idea, I would resist! If she wanted to talk, I would buy her flowers. If she wanted to get some flowers, I would take her out to dinner. I was insistent that Kathy be grateful and thankful for the expressions of love that I wanted to show to her instead of listening and responding to her heart.

"I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate."

2008-10-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

Joel and Kathy team wrote Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His:

QUOTE:
I [Kathy] did not ever consider Joel to be physically abusive. The abuse was mental, emotional and spiritual. What is “spiritual abuse?” Spiritual abuse is when a man uses the Word of God to justify mistreatment of his wife. Instead of being gentle and kind toward his wife, he is harsh and condemning. He uses the popular submission scriptures to justify this harsh treatment and keep his wife “under his thumb.”

Joel discovered that he could use the Word to justify his inflicting emotional abuse upon and playing mental head games with me. I called Joel my “iron fist.” The iron fist would come down anytime I disagreed with him or asked him to treat me with respect.

The solution to spiritual abuse is found in Colossians 3:12-13. “Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” The solution is simple, yet seemingly an unattainable goal for a spiritually abusive man to implement in his relationship toward his wife.

I lived for years being reminded regularly that the man is the head of the home and that I had to submit to him if I was going to live according to the Word of God. “Anything that he says goes.” There was no talk of mutual submission as the Word of God teaches. If I questioned Joel’s authority and position as head of our home then I was that “nagging wife and dripping faucet” that Proverbs warned him about!

Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. You can be controlled in many ways. (Pg 49)

[Joel speaking]
Kathy and I have discovered through study of the Word that God desires the husband and wife to lead the home together as a team. This eliminates the opportunity for the husband to use spiritually abusive phrases such as, “You have to submit to me” and “I am the head of this
house.” (Pg. 123)

My ‘looking down’ on Kathy had simply been a pride- and ego-protecting mechanism common to abusive men. I married at my exact level. If I looked down on Kathy I had to realize that I had faults that were equal hers.

This realization pulled the rug out from under me. I used to assign errands to Kathy as if I was her dad. I would send her out the door knowing that if she did anything wrong or incomplete I would use her mistake as an opportunity to insult her, belittle her, put her down or just give her one of “those looks” that translated into, “How can you be such an idiot?” I always found something that she did incorrectly or incompletely.

...
It did not matter how good of a job she had done at accomplishing my detailed assignment. For some insane reason I wanted Kathy to realize how inept she was! I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate.

I now know that it was because I was afraid of losing her. By making her feel inadequate I thought that I could keep her under my thumb. By tarnishing her selfimage I could make her “feel” like she was fortunate to be married to me. If she lost me she would not be able to attract a quality guy. I rescued her from a low life!
(Pg 140)

Abusive men always think that they married “down”. This fantasy hides the fact that they are desperately afraid of losing their spouses. The physical, mental or emotional abuse is designed to keep their spouse off balance so that they do not feel confident enough to leave. This to the abusive man is his only hope of keeping his wife.

As someone said, “If he would just be a great husband, she wouldn’t WANT to leave!” Yes, this is true. By reading this book, an abusive husband can learn to be a great husband. He does not have to lock his wife in by degrading. He can lock her in by treating her with honor!

So God created man in his image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created THEM! Genesis 1:27

When God looks at your wife and you he sees your union as his crowning creation: “Man”. He sees you together as one rather than two separate and individual beings with different “roles” and “ranks”. This “roles and ranks” emphasis has been foundational in the Body of Christ for years. It contributes nothing that positively impacts a couple’s marriage relationship. Instead, it negatively contributes to justifying the controlling nature with which Christian men seek to dominate their wives. The emphasis needs to be re-examined and ultimately discarded. It serves no productive purpose. (143)

"I'm not too big on religion" Jesus said...

2008-10-27T16:52:00.000-07:00

from "The Shack" by W. P. Young

...you're only seeing the institution, a man-made system. That's not what I came to build.

Mack was a bit taken back to hear Jesus talking about "church" this way, but then again, it didn't really surprise him. It was a relief. "So how do I become part of that church?"...

It's simple, Mack. It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now- just doing this- and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and live is all about relationships. You can't build it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it...

For Mack these words were like a breath of fresh air! Simple. Not a bunch of exhausting work and long list of demands and not the sitting in endless meeting staring at the backs of people's heads, people he didn't even know. Just sharing life...

I really do want to understand. I mean, I find the way you are so different from all the well-intentioned religious stuff I'm familiar with."

"As well-intentioned as it might be, you know that religious machinery can chew up people!" Jesus said with a bite of his own. "An awful lot of what is done in my name has nothing to do with me and is often, even if unintentional, very contrary to my purposes"

"You're not too fond of religion and institutions?" Mack said, not sure if he was asking a question or making an observation.

"I don't create institutions-never have, never will."

"What about the institution of marriage?"

"Marriage is not an institution. It's a relationship." Jesus paused, his voice steady and patient. "Like I said, I don't create institutions; that's an occupation for those who want to play God. So no, I'm not too big on religion," Jesus said a little sarcastically...

What Happens When Your Wife's Spirit Closes?

2008-05-28T05:29:00.000-07:00

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife's spirit by:

-speaking harsh words
-telling her that her opinions don't matter
-being unwilling to admit when you are wrong
-taking her for granted
-making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense
-not trusting her
-forcing her to do something that she's uncomfortable with
-being rude to her in front of others
-dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you've done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives's spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don't realize they've offended their wives. And one day the husband comes home to find his wife's spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like the sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him. Its fairly easy to recognize a closed spirit once you know what to look for. The most common signs of a closed spirit are listed here:

-she often has an argumentative attitude
-her facial expressions reflect anger or avoidance
-she is very resistant to discussing or agreeing on almost anything
-her hand is often cold and unresponsive when you touch it
-you sense she is avoiding you
-she often turns her back away from you
-she does not respect your advice
-she can become very critical of you
-she has few or no romantic or warm feeling toward you
-she walks out the door or files for legal separation or diovrce

Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you- who may find yourself with a closed sow bug instead of an an open wife- feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit....

You must make the decision and commitment to do whatever is necessary to relieve your wife's anger. For years now, I have practiced the following four attitudes to make sure that anger is drained out of our home on a daily basis.

"Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

2008-05-28T05:02:00.000-07:00

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

Then use the list to occasionally review whether you are doing any of these destructive things again.

-Turning on the TV or computer while tuning out your wife
-Being sarcastic with her
-Ignoring or degrading her advice or opinions
-Criticizing her family and friends
-Overcommitting yourself to outside interests
-Talking to her or treating her as though she were a child.
-Living a double standard (doing things you don't allow her to do)
-Using profanity or name calling
-Letting things go around the house: ignoring her honey do list
-Letting your eyes wander to other women
-Criticizing the way she does things (housecleaning, child rearing, etc)
-Giving looks of disgust
-Raising your voice in anger
-Showing more attention to other people than to her
-Giving your wife the silent treatment
-Correcting her or being rude to her in public
-Pressuring her
-Lecturing her
-Ignoring her
-Honking the horn at her
-Breaking promises
-Making comments about women on TV or in magazines that make her feel inferior
-Holding resentment about something she did
-Coercing her into an argument
-Not trusting her
-Being unsympathetic when she is tired, ill, upset, or frustrated
-Not telling her that you love her
-Not attending church as a family
-Demanding that she be involved with you sexually when you are not in harmony
-Not being involved with household chores and care of children
-Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weak
-Being unwilling to admit when you're wrong
-Reading or watching pornography
-Being stingy with money
-Not eating meals with her
-Complaining while doing something with her (having a bad attitude the whole time)
-Forgetting and/or not celebrating special occasions (her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's Day)
-Minimizing her efforts
-Not encouraging and supporting her interests
-Being impolite
-Wanting to do things that embarrass her sexually
-Disregarding her requests to read a certain book, listen to a tape, watch a video, or hear a speaker
-Continuing distasteful or harmful habits
-Taking her for granted
-Being preoccupied with your own agenda
-Monopolizing the TV remote control
-Blaming her for everything
-Being impatient with her: hurrying her to get ready, to finish shopping, or to get to the point
-Becoming absorbed in self-interests to the exclusion of her and/or the kids
-Kidding or making unkind comments about her body or age (about how she used to look or about how much she used to weigh)
-Questioning her spending
-Not consulting or honoring her in decisions to spend/invest money
-Telling her what to do
-Taking no time to prepare her for sexual intimacy
-Being unwilling to join her in the things she enjoys
-Not fully appreciating the mundane and exhaustive chores a wife and mother does (picking up clothes and toys all day, washing, ironing, vacuuming, doing dishes, sweeping, straightening, folding, running errands, making calls)
-always showing indifference instead of showing initiative and making plans
-Joking about her monthly mood swings
-Having an unkempt or unclean appearance
-Giving no thought to gifts for her
-Physically abusing her (from shoving to beating)

"Love and Respect"

2008-05-04T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 5 love and respect in marriage.
from "Livin it and Lovin it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians 5:25-33

What is astounding about this passage is that Paul says so much to husbands and so little to wives. There are 183 words in the passage. Only ten small words at the end of the passage apply to wives, seemingly as an afterthought! What most people “get” from this passage are the ten words! The 173 words simply fade into the background of their minds...

What is really astounding and would make a great study in human nature is the amazing ability of men and women to give this one little phrase about respect the same billing! Ten words get equal billing to or even overshadow the preceding 173!
...

Some authors and commentators take this approach to Ephesians 5:25-33....

There have been large amounts of material written on the need for a wife to “respect” her husband. It has been said that a man’s greatest need is to be respected and a wife’s greatest need is to be loved. They point out that a wife is not told to love her husband in this passage but only to respect him.

What happens when a wife is pressured to respect her husband in the “real world” regardless of whether he first fulfills his responsibility to love? Many husbands do not take their responsibility seriously. They do not listen to their wife’s heart, they don’t spend time with them; they belittle or ignore their concerns. The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect.

Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love.

We do not believe that Paul meant for wives to respect their husbands regardless of their actions. We believe that this was Paul’s consolation to husbands who take seriously his admonition to agape love their wives.

Our message to wives is this: You do not have to offer undeserved respect to your husband. God does not require this of you. God has called your husband to agape love you. Four times in this one passage the message is repeated. Only after your husband is filling your cup with agape love are you asked to respond with a responsive, loving respect. Don’t worry wives; it is very easy to respect a man who is laying his life down for you!

He put a new song in my mouth

2008-04-24T18:43:00.000-07:00

I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40:1-3

I’m taking the Beth Moore course “Beloved Disciple” at the moment. She has several lovely paragraphs on singing “a new song” On Psalm 40:1-3, she writes, “If we are willing, we can also receive a new song from God that arises from hardship’s victories, not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on the heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be heard by others but they cannot be learned secondhand.”

God's will for Christian Wives- (OYE! What a DESPOT!)

2008-04-24T05:33:00.000-07:00

quoted from "Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry,
bear children, manage the house, give no
opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
1 Timothy 5:14

The word translated here as “manage” the house, means to be the head of a family! The Greek word is "oikodespoteo" (3616 in Strong’s) which means, “to be the head of” or in other words “to rule” a family.

Now it is getting hot in here.

The King James Version interprets this as to “guide the house”. That was a safe translation.

I can imagine that if the translators had translated the word literally that women are to be the head of a family or rule the family there would have been problems. They might have heard the much feared words from the king, “Off with his head!”

The word we just looked at, “oikodespoteo,” is taken from the word “oikodespotes,” which means exactly the same thing: to be the head of a family. King James translates this in other verses as “goodman of the house”, “householder” and “master of the house.”

For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that
is an householder, which went out early in the
morning to hire laborers into his vineyard.
Matthew 20:1

The word translated “householder” in Matthew 20:1 is the same word used to describe a wife’s leadership in the home. This person was in charge! He hired the laborers. This is a parable describing leadership in the same way that a wife is authorized to be the head of the house.

So that servant came, and shewed his lord these things. Then
the master of the house being angry said to his servant,
Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and
bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind.
Luke 14:21

Here the word is translated “master of the house”. This is what the wife is supposed to be! The master of the house! How can this be? How can God tell both the husband and wife to be the head of the house together?

HE IS GOD! God planned it this way! God’s plan for leadership in your home is one of team leadership and mutual submission. Another word to describe mutual submission would be mutual “adaptation”.

What are we after? We are after teamwork and mutual respect when it comes to leading the family unit. That is what the Bible teaches; husbands and wives working together, leading their home as a team. The two become ONE!

You can do this. I know it is a new paradigm. Just remember that the goal is to grow up.

Adults do not always demand their way. Toddlers do. You really do not want to stay at the emotional age of a toddler.

Emphasizing that you are the head of the house and demanding that your wife submit to and obey you only does one thing. It leaves you as a forty- or fifty-year old toddler who throws temper tantrums when things do not go his way.

Quit living like this. You are better than that.

The only way for you to become the man that God has called you to be is to become the husband your wife needs you to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

2008-04-23T06:54:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:
A common Christian notion emphasizes the need for a woman to always have a quiet spirit before she approaches her husband. She can come to him only if she conveys a positive, uplifting manner. A man who buys this philosophy usually rationalizes, “If my wife would just approach me in a nicer way, I would have a Christlike response. If she would stop being so offensive toward me, everything would be fine.”

Imagine if you would, a desperate woman approaching her husband with a soft, uplifting appeal. Keep in mind that his wife is to portray a pleasant look and a soft-spoken gentleness in her approach. She says, “Sweetheart, there’s something I regretfully submit to you because I’m sure it conveys a terrible spirit of ungratefulness in me for all you’ve done, but being crushed, my spirit is dying within me (Continued gentle smile, speaking softly.) I don’t know how a person could be so emotionally violated in a relationship. (Still examining herself for respectfulness in her attitude.) Although I know it is my problem, the hate I have for you is overwhelming. And because our relationship is deteriorating daily, the love I had for you when we were married has died. (Still maintaining a relaxed body posture and casual tone of voice.)”

If your wife said that to you, how believable would that be? Those words, spoken in that manner, would be totally incredible....

I’m not saying that hostility or bitterness is acceptable...

As a man, tell me you’ve never been mad at God. Tell me that when you are angry and reactionary, you don’t speak in negative terms to Him or anyone else. And when you were angry with God, did He reject you, or did He , in full understanding of your distraught condition, minister unconditional love and patience to you? Pg 75

Let me remind you that a wife is not oblivious to the fact that her hostile, angry, irrational responses are not godly. She feels guilty becasue she believes she is not responding to the grace of God, which she understands is sufficient for her.... You see, her knowing that her responses are wrong is also part of what is eating at her. It is heaping inner guilt on her and making her spirit even heavier.

Yet what is your purpose: to focus on her shame or to care for your wife’s spirit? Do you think you will minister to her if you merely get an admission from her that her responses are wrong?...

Isn’t your goal to build your marriage relationship so that its central focus is Christlikeness- letting your wife know that no matter what, she can trust you to respond with a Christlike attitude toward her?...

I’d like to emphasize the need to get past the tendency to point the finger of blame at what we perceive is “wrong” and move on the more beneficial territory of ministering to the need represented by the “wrong”

Imagine a friend coming into your house bleeding from a stab wound and getting blood on your favorite carpet. Would you scold your friend for getting blood on the carpet? Would you justify the scolding as necessary because “after all a carpet was not really made to be bled upon, was it?”

Wouldn’t it be more cruel if the one who did the stabbing (even accidentally) was also the one doing the scolding?...

My job is to help husbands see how they are stabbing the spirits of their wives. You see, if husbands stopped stabbing the spirits of their wives, they would no longer have to scold them because their emotions are bleeding all over their marriages... 139-40

"The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is..." by Ken Nair

2008-04-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:The biblical teaching that the wife is part of God's accountability structure to help us become Christlike is astonishingly threatening to men everywhere, especially to men in spiritual leadership roles...

The role of boss really means that the husband can disregard his wife's needs while abundantly taking care of his own...

I am constantly astonished thea men in spiritual leadership roles never seem to have read Philippians 2:3-4 in the context of their responsibilities in the home...

Contrary to popular notions, most wives do not want to occupy the throne in their marriages. A wife wants her husband to be her spiritual leader, but she is designed by God to feel secure only when she sees that her husband is not the final authority in their marriage, that he is looking to God for direction and guidance. Only then can she be confident that her relationship with her husband will be based on scriptural principles and not on her husband's personal preferences which she recognizes can be prejudiced or selfishly motivated. Rather than argue with her when a husband discovers that his wife truly feels that he is prejudiced or selfish, he should be willing to learn what he can do to change in order to restore her confidence in him.

From God's perspective, becoming Christlike is more important to a man that developing a home government in which the husband is established as king. And more important than being the boss is having the character traits of mercy and justice....

The Christian community seems to have wandered so far away from the idea that Christians must be like Christ that it's as if this is a new calling... pg 43-45

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #2

2008-04-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:You see, if you want to discover the mind of a woman, you need to recognize that when she is talking to you about what you are doing or saying, she usually wants you to see the attitudes you are showing... And since God is concerned about attitudes, she is reflecting His concern to you...

When women talk about husband-wife relationships, they usually emphasize attitueds and emotions.... Need I remind you that God says a husband's responsibility is to understand his wife- not vice versa?...

Insisting that she see my side doesn't make me understanding...

Sure, go ahead and insist that your wife understand you. But it would be more Christlike if you said to youself, "I'm going to demand that I settle for nothing less than completely understanding my wife, even if it seems one-sided. I'm going to insist that she help me see my poor attitudes and emotional weaknesses." That selflessness on your part will not remain one-sided. Your wife will be drawn to you with deep deep love for you... pg 202-203

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #3

2008-04-23T06:29:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:

What would happen if you gave your wife the freedom to express exactly how she feels about you and what you are doing? Would you feel threatened? ...

I’ve suggested a number of times that men’s unwillingness to give their wives the freedom to say exactly how they feel is at the heart of relationship disagreements... often a key reason they walk out one day, much to the surprise of their husbands... because of the muzzles their husbands have placed on them...

Initially I was taken aback to discover that some men are threatened by the amount of freedom I give my wife. They reacted strongly when I suggested... the value of giving their wives the freedom to help them recognize where they, the husbands, need to improve...

I am not suggesting that a wife demand the right to express concerns to her husband... Instead, I believe it is biblical for the husband to ask his wife to help him see himself through her eyes, to help him think something through from a different perspective....

I grant you, letting your wife put the binoculars on you and isolate genuine weaknesses, even sin, is not like taking a pleasant trip to the zoo....

However... It’s amazing what a difference personal transparency makes in a relationship... pg 185-6

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #4

2008-04-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:
Ignorance along with the flesh’s self-preserving nature, makes a formidable foe. If we do not accept the responsibility for providing Christlike spiritual leadership, we will also be incapable of receiving the messages God is trying to convey to us through our wives. Not living with our wives in an understanding manner carries two consequences: we do not receive God’s messages for our spiritual growth, and we make it difficult , if not impossible, for God to regard our prayers (1 Pet. 3:7) pg. 76-77

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #5

2008-04-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:
RADICAL CHRISTLIKENESS NEEDED
...
I'm sure you have heard many preachers and Sunday school teachers say that we as Christians ought to be Christlike. But I didn't find anyone in my experience as a Christian who was teaching or demonstrating how to rigorously apply Christlikeness to the husband's role in the marriage relationship or to the father's relationship with his children. Instead, the traditional teaching focused on the need for the wife to ve submissive to her husband no matter what. That teaching had been easy for me to quickly absorb and wholeheartedly accept.

What I didn't recognize, and I still find most men don't recognize is the full significance of Ephesians 5:25-27:

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

We basically stop reading and internalizing what God is teaching us after the first part, "Husbands love your wives." As a result, we don't get the full implication of what it means to love our wives as Christ loved the church. If we did, we would begin to discover the minds and spirits of wour wives, and that discovery would transform the marriage relationship...

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #6

2008-04-23T06:26:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:
I Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

That provision includes more than money. It also includes spiritual leadership, emotional care, understanding, comfort, compassion, and friendship. It means that a wife must have a very high priority in her husband’s life...

A wife determines her husband’s Christlike character by his willingness to let her participate in his life. More often than not, that means that her husband is willing to be held answerable even to his wife as the Holy Spirit alerts her to his character flaws.

Too many husbands, even in our supposedly enlightened generation, reveal their natural tendency to think of themselves as the boss and ruler of the marriage. This attitude is reinforced by the popular notion in Christian circles that a woman’s only requirements in marriage are to be a silent, obedient, submissive wife. And that submission, regardless of conditions, better be with a gracious pleasantness, or she is not a good Christian woman. Implicit in this attitude is that wives are to be flawless- while husbands excuse their behavior by various rationalizations, none of which will hold up when they appear before the great judge of the universe. God is not deceived by spiritual rationalizations of inexcusable behavior in the home by self-styled Christian leaders.

We read in Proverbs 11:29: "He who troubles his own household inherits the wind." That is exactly what is happening in Christian marriages all over the world where men are unwilling to let God use their wives to bring about accountability for Christlike character...

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #7

2008-04-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:

Pg 115-116
In the previous chapter we covered symptoms that reveal a problem husband, a husband who is not living with his wife in an understanding way, who is not demonstrating Christlikeness in his attitudes toward her, who is not being encouraging and supportive, as Christ encourages and supports the church through thick and thin. I have discovered that all of these problems reveal a lack of sensitivity, a failure to minister to a wife’s spirit.

“Right”, you may be saying, even a bit sarcastically. “I’ve got to take all the blame for what’s wrong. But if you knew my wife, you wouldn’t say that I had failed. She had all these problems long before I met her.”

Granted. But let me ask you how long you have been married...

“Okay... HAS SHE GOTTEN BETTER OR WORSE SINCE YOU MARRIED HER?” I ask.

What would your answer be? Without fail, the husbands reply, “WORSE”. I that is your answer, then my next question is, “If you are the spiritual leader in your home, and the job of a spiritual leader is to bring the one you are responsible for to spiritual maturity, then why has your wife gotten worse instead of better?”

Holy, Holy, Holy

2008-03-06T18:52:00.000-08:00

I read something in Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple" which I thought was a powerful observation.

"The holy place was the room where the priests ministered on a daily basis... the most holy place, which the high priest entered only once a year with fear and trembling... the term 'most holy place' actually repeats the original word for holy...'the holy holy'... We will join the seraph who cry 'Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty" (Rev 4:8)... Perhaps like me, you try to distinguish between members of the holy Trinity. Whom did John picture on the throne...? Before we immediately assume God the Father as the occupant or no distinction at all, please read Revelation 5:6. Where is the Lamb (Christ) depicted as standing? [Click here for the answer] I don't beleive the revelator meant us to picture Christ standing up on a chair. Our familiarity with a throne is entirely related to a piece of furniture. The word 'throne' seems to encompass the center, from which Christ presides with all authority... According to the comparisons with Daniel 7 and Revelation 5, both the Father and the Son inhabit the throne room. Could it be that in the OT God wanted most to reveal Christ and in the NT Christ wanted most to reveal God? I think it's quite possible and very likely of each of Them to shed light on the other"

Then I read Revelation 4 and 5, compared the words with which "the Lord God" and "the Lamb" were worshiped... imagine myself there... and wrangling over human "authority" grows strangely dim.

Rev 4:11"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."
~
Rev 5:11Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering
thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled
the throne and the living creatures and the elders. 12In a loud voice they sang:
"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!"
13Then I heard every creature in
heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them,
singing:
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!"
14The four living creatures said, "Amen,"
and the elders fell down and worshiped.

insofar as they reflect the mind of the Lord...

2008-03-04T09:38:00.000-08:00

from Who's Your Covering by Frank Viola

quote:
The Greek word most often translated “submit” in the NT is the word hupotasso. Hupotasso is better translated “subjection” In NT usage, subjection is a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating with, and yielding to the admonition and advice of another.
Biblical subjection has nothing to do with control or hierarchical power. It is simply an attitude of childlike openness in yielding to others insofar as they reflect the mind of the Lord….

Our Lord Jesus, as well as Paul, exhibited the spirit of subjection when they stood in the presence of official authority (Matt 26:63-64; Acts 23:2-5). In like manner, we are always to be subject to such authority. Lawlessness and the despising of authority are marks or the sinful nature (2 Pet 2:10; Jude 8) At the same time, subjection and obedience are two different things. It is a fatal error to confuse them.

How does subjection differ from obedience? Subjection is an attitude. Obedience is an action. Subjection is absolute. Obedience is conditional. Subjection is an internal matter. Obedience is an external matter.

…. one can disobey while submitting. You can disobey an earthly authority while maintaining a spirit of humble subjection. You can disobey while having an attitude of respect and reverence as opposed to a spirit of rebellion, reviling, and subversion (1Tim 2:1-2; 2Pet 2:10; Jude 8)
…

When the indwelling Christ leads a believer or a church to speak or act, they are backed by the authority of the Head. His is the only authority that exists in the universe. Jesus Christ, as represented by the indwelling Holy Spirit, is the exclusive wellspring, mainstay, and source of all authority….
The upshot is that leadership problems in the modern church stem from an obscenely simplistic application of official authority structures to spiritual relationships. This faulty application is rooted in a one-size-fists-all mentality of authority. But it is a profound mistake to transplant official authority into the Christian assembly- or into any other sphere of organic relationship (such as marriage).

Whenever a believer is expressing organic authority in the church, we do well to recognize it. To rebel against such authority is to rebel against Christ. For there is no authority without Jesus Christ as its Author. Consequently, to reject someone’s words when they are expressing God’s thought is to reject His authority….

…mutual subjection emphasizes power for and power among rather than power over. It encourages the empowerment of all rather than the power of a few.

[italics in original; bolding added by me]

because of a lack of grace and truth in some churches...

2008-03-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

from Changes that Heal by Cloud

It is interesting to compare a legalistic church with a good AA group. In this kind of church, it is culturally unacceptable to have problems; that is called being sinful. In the AA group it is culturally unacceptable to be perfect; that is called denial. In the former setting, people look better but get worse, and in the latter, they look worse but get better. Certainly there are good churches and poor AA groups, but because of a lack of grace and truth in some churches, Christians have had to go elsewhere to find healing.

"First Love"- Beth Moore quote

2008-03-04T07:32:00.000-08:00

Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write...
I have somewhat against thee,
because thou hast left thy first love.
Revelation 2

Beth Moore in "Beloved Disciple" (pg 165) says:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Notice that the church in Ephesus received tremendously noble commendations from Christ and yet somehow let go of the most important thing of all: her sacred romance with Jesus Christ.... Beloved One, you and I can work hard, persevere through extreme difficulty, refuse to tolerate wicked people, and accurately discern false teachers- yet still forsake our first love.

Ironically, many believers don't view an absence of fiery, first love for Jesus Christ as sin. They view it simply as something they lack. This misunderstanding may be part of the holdup. If God's absolute priority for all followers of Christ is love- for Him first and others second- then the absence of such love is sin. I don't pound this point to condemn. Remember, it's not an irreversible condition! I pound the point so that we can do what we must do to get on to the business of loving! God says "Repent!" Repent means turn. I believe God told them and is telling us to turn from whatever we have given a higher priority than our sacred romance with Christ. He tells us to pour our lives back into the first things.

Keep in mind that with the first things rightly established, all other things of value come to us as well. The church in Ephesus very likely allowed spiritual busyness and stalwart religiosity to displace love. Because everything else hinges on the laws of love (see Matt 22:40) over time all things of eternal value would have crumbled in Ephesus. Christ exhorted them to go back to the first priority of love so that all their works would flow form a boundless wellspring of agape. Surely this exhortation speaks to each of us."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,
and repent, and do the first works;
or else I will come unto thee quickly,
and will remove thy candlestick out of his place,
except thou repent.
Rev. 2:5

Beth explains:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"That doesn't mean they would lose their place in heaven. We lose our lampstand when we lose our godly influence on earth. In other words, we lose our light in the world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God hasn't put a period at the end of our sentences yet..."

2008-03-03T18:41:00.000-08:00

Thought provoking meditation from Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple" (pg 153 )

"Read John 3. List each person identified and write a brief description __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Imagine being named in a letter that turned out to be inspired Scripture for all the world to see! Whether in commendation or criticism, having your name immortalized in scripture is a heavy thought! When I see a portion of Scripture with brief testimonials similar to the segment we're studying today, I almost shiver... At times I would have been anywhere from devastated to humiliated over what might be written in my life's theoretical one-sentence statement. I love knowing that as long as we're kicking and breathing, we can change the course of our testimonies. God hasn't put a period at the end of our sentences yet..."

GEM- May we all think twice about doing things we would be ashamed of were they “exposed”. They are visible to GOD, even if we succeed in hiding them from everyone else… The greek word “hypocrisy” means “mask”.

“the particular loneliness”–> the gateway to something new

2008-02-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've been reflecting upon the particular loneliness that comes from a loveless marriage…...
Henri Nouwen talks about loneliness, pain, brokenness, suffering and I agree with him that precisely in the depth of the aching IS---> the gateway right into the very embrace of the ONE who loves me.

Quoted from Henri Nouwen tape Who are we? Exploring our Christian Identity

“Befriend your loneliness, pick up your cross ... Precisely where we are painful, precisely where we are suffering there is the gateway that leads us to something new...if we are willing to embrace our brokenness we will discover that in the midst of all this pain there is joy... “

Sexual Sin Within Christian Marriage #2

2008-02-15T14:38:00.000-08:00

From 1Thes 4:3-8, it seems there exist choices in how one possesses "his vessel" (some translations render "vessel" as "wife"; some render "vessel" as his own body. I think GOD deliberately used a word which can mean wife or body- and the teaching of the passage applies to BOTH. John Piper thinks the RSV rendering "wife" is more accurate- link ).

Back to the CHOICE in the passage:
Does he possess his wife/his body in "sanctification and honour"?
Or does he do so "in the lust of concupiscence"/"passion of lust"?
Engaging in the "passion of lust" is to "go beyond and defraud his brother". I think "brother" can be his WIFE (or her husband). His transgression/ his lusting transgresses boundaries and DEFRAUDS HER.

Here is the passage in 3 Bible versions:

quote:
1Thes 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: (AV)

1Thes 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; 4 that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; 6 that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. 7 For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (RSV)

1Thes 4: 3 God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex. 4Respect and honor your wife. [a] 5Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. 6You must not cheat any of the Lord's followers in matters of sex. Remember, we warned you that he punishes everyone who does such things. 7God didn't choose you to be filthy, but to be pure. 8So if you don't obey these rules, you are not really disobeying us. You are disobeying God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

Sexual Sin within Christian Marriage

2008-02-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

From Why do I feel so down When my faith should lift me up? by Dr Grant Mullen

quote:

Sex is primarily a spiritual act of oneness symbolized with a physical act. For it to be a blessing im marriage, there needs to be emotional and spiritual wholeness, free of domination, manipulation and control from either spouse. Emotional wounding or bondage in either person will damage and distort sexual intimacy. To have a healthy sexuality, you need complete trust, mutual respect and appreciation of each other which leads to oneness of body, soul and spirit. This creates a godly sexual soul tie.

An ungodly sexual soul tie occurs when sexuality becomes a tool of control. Yes, there can be an ungodly sexual soul tie even in Christian marriage. There can even be sexual abuse in Christian marriage which gets covered up by insisting on the scriptural submission of women to the will of the male. It is a sin to dominate, manipulate or control a spouse in any way, including sexuality. It shows disrespect and treats the person as an object to meet the emotional needs of the other. Sexuality can be used as a tool of punishment or reward to control the other spouse. When it is used as a way of reassuring yourself of worth or acceptance, it can easily become an addiction that drives you for more. A very simple test of sexuality is to ask yourself this question, during sex are you lovingly giving yourself to your spouse or taking what you believe to be rightfully yours? If you are taking then you are on dangerous ground!

In my observation, most sexual problems are emotional and spiritual, not physical. The solution is the healing of our wounds.

quote:
Heb 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous.

What “defiles the marriage bed”?

Apparently, normal women tend to shut down sexually when they are treated badly:

quote:
quoted from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
I remember talking frankly to two Christian men once about the ideals of Christian marriage. I cracked them up when I freely confessed, “You bet I’ve swallow arguments because I wanted something from my wife later that night.” They both admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that they too had done the same thing. I’m not proud of the fact that I’m less willing to stand up for my beliefs when I feel “the urge”- and I particularly don’t like the fact that what feels like a physical need directly my spiritual attitudes- but I can learn to use that physical need for spiritual benefit.

Let me put this succinctly: We can learn to use the sex drive to groom our character. Out of a need to be intimate with their wives, husbands may learn to show tenderness and empathy.

From 1Thes 4:3-8, it seems there exist choices in how one possesses "his vessel".
Does he do so in "sanctification and honour"?
Or does he do so "in the lust of concupiscence"/"passion of lust"?
Engaging in the "passion of lust" is to "go beyond and defraud his brother".

"brother" can be his WIFE (or her husband). His transgression/ his lusting transgresses boundaries and DEFRAUDS HER.

1Thes 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter:

1Thes 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity;
4 that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor,
5 not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God;
6 that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you.
7 For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness.
8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.

Naked and Unashamed: "how terrible it must have felt... breaking their relationship with God"

2008-02-11T22:53:00.000-08:00

from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller (relates to some reflection on "intimacy" in my marriage posted here):

I started asking myself why Moses would say five times that people were naked before the Fall, but after the Fall they went around with clothes on... Here is what I think Moses was saying: Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God’s love is so pure, that Adam and Eve felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn’t even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly. All of their glory, the glory that came from God, was gone...
I used to think that when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person...
And then it hit me how awful it must have been for Adam and Eve... to have been tricked by Satan into breaking their relationship with God.

You and I have it easier. We were born this way. But I remember loving a girl back in Colorado and having her explain to me she didn’t feel the same and how for a year I lived in the attic of an old house in Portland, feeling an ache and emptiness in my heart I thought would never mend...
And this feeling, this feeling must have been so much more painful for Adam and Eve, this feeling of having an infinite amount of love pouring through their lives and then its’s suddenly gone... I wondered at how terrible it must have felt, at the fear of no longer feeling God, at the ache of emptiness and the sudden and horrifying awareness of self. God have mercy.

Rest

2008-01-29T18:37:00.000-08:00

whose adorning let it be
the hidden person of the heart
(I Peter 3)

quoted from When the Lights Go Out by
Graham Cooke

quote:
I am choosing to live my life in hiddenness, so that when God's manifestation comes, it's a bonus. I want to live in that place of constantly yielding inwardly to find the presence of God- the place that, even in the eye of the storm is one of tranquility, of peace and of rest. In such a place, "rest" becomes a weapon against the enemy. You can exasperate the devil, because when he comes against you, you don't fight against him, but submit to God (see James 4:7).

In fact, it is not our job to fight the devil. Our job is to "step back" into God and experience His majesty and power. Christ has overcome the devil, so we need to focus on being "in Christ"... Real warfare is about discovering the majesty, the supremacy and the sovereignty of the Lord Jesus Christ. Warfare is about seeking the face of God and enjoying Him as your fortress and your refuge.

Lectio Divina

2008-01-28T09:50:00.000-08:00

"the Bible tended to leave her cold,
as it had been used

more as a weapon

than an instrument of grace..." Benner

I consider myself a recovering Pharisee which- perhaps- leaves my children with a similar burden of painful misconceptions about God as Angie carried (see the above quote). I pray that this excerpt from David Benner's book "Sacred Companions" will help someone to take some steps closer to the real Jesus (who is too often poorly reflected by those of us who claim His name)

QUOTE: (clips from pages 110-117)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every idea and assumption we have about God must be measured against the person of Jesus. For most of us this will give us an opportunity to redraw our image of God. This is one of the most important ways in which Christian spirituality matures- by allowing immature and incorrect ideas of God to be reformed. The filter for that reformation ... is Jesus of Nazareth.

Meditation on the Gospel accounts of Jesus’ life has been the core of many Roman Catholic approaches to spiritual formation. We Protestants do well to learn from them in this regard. Bible reading can take many forms. Nonmeditative reading may involve some reflection, but it is usually more oriented toward analysis and comprehension of content. For years I read the Bible this way, attempting to discover or be reminded of things that would help me live the Christian life.

Meditative reading is less focused on the words and more focused on the Word behind the words. In the case of meditation on Gospel accounts of Jesus, the intent is to come to know Jesus better. This involves lingering over the story long enough to allow yourself to meet Jesus in that account. ...

No one has anything to fear about imagination that is guided by meditation on Scripture and the Spirit of God.... Any moment in the life of Christ or any of his teachings or parables offers rich opportunities for meeting Jesus. Consider this fragment of a conversation with a woman named Angie with whom I worked in spiritual direction.

Angie struggled in her Christ following. Her personal history made her deeply uncomfortable in the church- any church- and her relationship to Christians was filled with ambivalence. However her spiritual yearning was fervent, and she entered spiritual direction out of a longing to encounter God more deeply.

After we explored the contours of her spiritual journey, I asked her about her experience of God. She told me how much trouble she had relating to Christ. Her perceptions of him were all tainted by dysfunctional childhood family and church experiences. I then asked her about her ability to meet Christ in church or in Scripture. She said that she was sometimes deeply aware of meeting him in the liturgy but that the Bible tended to leave her cold, as it had been used more as a weapon than an instrument of grace in her childhood.

...
Angie had been on the journey of Christian spirituality for a long time. However her progress was seriously limited by her unfamiliarity with the Jesus of the Gospels. Her ideas of God needed reformation in the light of the decisive revelation of God in Christ. She needed to get to know Jesus better...

The only way to come to know Jesus is through the Gospels. There is no substitute for meditation on Scripture as a route to a deep, personal engagement with God. Attunement to the Christian God must always involve attending to Jesus...

For some time after the session I recounted earlier, Angie continued to focus on Jesus, seeking to encounter him through the Gospels. Increasingly , however, she came to speak of the great difference between Jesus and the God of the Old Testament. It seemed important therefore for her to meet God the Father of Jesus as he revealed himself in the rest of Scripture. Again the goal was not simply to teach some point of theology. It was to facilitate her attunement to God.

I did this by encouraging her to meditate on the Genesis account of the creation and fall of humans. My instruction was for her to watch for the hidden presence of Jesus- the God of grace she had come to meet in the Gospels. Praying for eyes to discern grace, she went off to read and meditate on the first three chapters of Genesis.

She returned to our next meeting with considerable excitement. Something totally new had struck her. She was deeply impressed by the care God took to prepare garments of skin for Adam and Eve after they discovered their nakedness and were overwhelmed with their shame. She added, “Had God been like I have often pictured him, he would have wanted to rub their noses in their shame to make sure they learned their lesson. I was so impressed that what he seemed to want was to eliminate their shame, not exploit it.” This was a profound insight for her. It led to a cascading series of subsequent insights about the nature of God as she subsequently meditated on other Old Testament passages.

Scripture is given for our instruction and edification. In its totality Scripture presents the God revealed in Jesus and whom we seek to follow. The story of his pursuit of humankind despite our unfaithfulness is a story of grace. Biblical revelation aids our attunement to God by helping us encounter the Lord God of heaven and earth, not simply the god of our imagination, childhood experience or previous religious instruction.

~~~~~~~~~Lectio Divina (pg. 170)~~~~~~~~

... a modification of the classic lectio. It emphasizes four ways of reading (or listening to) Scripture, each named for the corresponding monastic form of meditation. It also involves reading the passage four times.

1. Lectio. Listen with your senses, without thinking too much about the meaning. Attend to your imagination, noting the smells, sounds and images that arise as you hear the passage. Allow yourself to enter into the setting using your imagiantion.

2. Meditatio. This time I want you to follow along in your Bible as I read the passage out loud. Use your thinking to reflect on the meaning and significance of the passage. Consider why the passage is included in Scripture. What does it mean? How does it affect your understanding of God?

3. Oratio. This time as you listen, I want you to attend to your feelings. Note your feelings and silently offer them back to God as a prayer of the heart. Comment in your prayer on anything in the passage to which you particularly respond.

4. Contemplatio. Before I read the passage a final time, quieten yourself, close your eyes, breathe deeply and regularly, and prepare to receive God’s Word. This time I want you to listen with your intuition- your heart. If something impresses you, simply notice it and then refocus your attention on what you are hearing. Don’t worry if you do not seem to have any thoughts or impressions. Simply remain open to the passage and to the Spirit. After expressing gratitude to God for your experience, open your eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only way to heaven.... by Jeanne Guyon

2008-01-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

Jeanne Guyon 1648-1717
Quoted from “Jeanne Guyon An Autobiography”

The only way to heaven is prayer, a prayer of the heart, of which everyone is capable, and not by reasoning, which is the fruit of study, or by exercise of the imagination, which, in filling the mind with wandering objects, rarely settles it; instead of warming the heart with love to God, they leave it cold and languishing. Let the poor come; let the ignorant and carnal come; let the children without reason or knowledge come; let the dull or hard hearts that can retain nothing come to the practice of prayer, and they shall become wise.

Oh you who are great, wise, and rich. Do you not have a heart capable of loving what is proper for you and of hating what is destructive? Love the sovereign good, hate all evil, and you will be truly wise. When you love anyone, is it because you know the reasons of love and its definitions? No, certainly....
None can exempt himself from loving, for none can live without a heart, nor the heart without love.

Why should any amuse themselves in seeking reasons for loving love itself? Let us love without reasoning about it, and we will find ourselves filled with love before the others have learned the reasons that let to it. Make a trial of this love and you will be wiser in it than the most skilled philosophers. In love, as in everything else, experience instructs better than reasoning. Come, then, drink at this Fountain of living waters instead of the broken cisterns of created beings, which, far from allaying your thirst, only tend to continually augment it. IF you could drink once at this Fountain, you would not seek elsewhere for anything to quench your thirst. While you still continue to draw from this Source, you will thrist no longer after the world. But if you quit it, alas! The Enemy has the dominance. He will give you a portion of his poisoned drink, which may have an apparent sweetness, but will assuredly rob you of life.

I forsook the Fountain of living water when I left off prayer. I became like a vineyard exposed to pillage, hedges torn down with liberty for all the passengers to ravage it. I began to seek the creature what I had found in God. He left me to myself, because I first left Him. It was His will, by permitting me to sink into the horrible pit, to make me feel the necessity of approaching Him in prayer.

Nouwen "Out of Solitude"

2008-01-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

Quoted from Out of Solitude by Nouwen:

quote:

As a community of faith, we remind one another that we form a fellowship of the weak, transparent to Him who speaks to us in the lonely places of our existence and says: Do not be afraid, you are accepted..

quote:

It is in solitude that we discover that being is more important than having, and that we are worth more than the result of our efforts. In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared...

In solitude we discover that our worth is not the same as our usefulness...

The love of Solitude

2008-01-26T07:24:00.000-08:00

The Following of Christ
The love of Solitude
an early-15th-century devotional tract by Thomas à Kempis (c. 1380–1471)

A soul, which is separated from all the amusements of the senses,
seeks and finds in God
that pure satisfaction
which it can never meet with in creatures.
A respectful and frequent remembrance of the presence of God
occupies the mind,
and,
an ardent desire of pleasing Him
and of becoming worthy of His love
engages the heart.
It is absorbed in Him alone:
all things else dwindle into nothing.
It buries itself and all things in God:
it breathes only His love,
it forgets all to remember only Him

Communication Skills: Worst to Best

2008-01-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

From Retrouvaille post session workbook:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Use this scale as a guide to see whether or not you are giving your spouse healthy responses that promote good communication. Like anything, “Practice Makes Perfect.”

Worst:
When my spouse says something and I...
...reject or ridicule his/her feelings
...criticize him/her
...question his/her perceptions
...defend myself
...ignore him/her
...share just to meet my own needs
It is hurtful and indicates rejection
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel hurt

Poor:
When my spouse says something and I...
...ask questions about the facts
...give advice
...ignore his/her feelings
...reassure without identifying his/her feelings
It misses feelings and indicates toleration.
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel frustrated

Good:
When my spouse says something and I...
...accurately identify his/her main feeling
It acknowledges main obvious feelings and indicates acceptance.
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel accepted.

Best:
When my spouse says something and I...
...ask questions about the feelings
...mirror back with empathy
...communicate understanding of his/her feelings
...try to understand non-verbals
It goes beyond the obvious to underlying feelings and indicates acceptance.
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel cared for and want to tell you more.

Prayers of Paul

2007-12-22T06:20:00.000-08:00

Prayers of Paul (this prints out nicely on a single side of one page. I have it in two columns with my favorite phrases bolded)

Rom. 15:5 ¶ May the God of steadfastness and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, 6 that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ... 13 ¶ May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Phil 1:9 ¶ And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, 10 so that you may approve what is excellent, and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, 11 filled with the fruits of righteousness which come through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God.

Eph.1:16 I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him, 18 having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, 19 and what is the immeasurable greatness of his power in us who believe, according to the working of his great might

Eph.3:14 ¶ For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, 16 that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with might through his Spirit in the inner man, 17 and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may have power to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, 19 and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fulness of God. 20 Now to him who by the power at work within us is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, for ever and ever. Amen.

I Thess 5:23 ¶ May the God of peace himself sanctify you wholly; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Col. 1:9 ¶ And so, from the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 to lead a life worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. 11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, 12 ¶ giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.

I Thess.1:2 ¶ We give thanks to God always for you all, constantly mentioning you in our prayers,
3 remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

I Thess. 3:9 For what thanksgiving can we render to God for you, for all the joy which we feel for your sake before our God, 10 praying earnestly night and day that we may see you face to face and supply what is lacking in your faith? 11 ¶ Now may our God and Father himself, and our Lord Jesus, direct our way to you; 12 and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all men, as we do to you, 13 so that he may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints.

II Thess1:11 ¶ To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his call, and may fulfil every good resolve and work of faith by his power, 12 so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.

II Thess. 2:16 ¶ Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, 17 comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.

II Thess 3:5 May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.

Characteristics of a proud unbroken spirit as compared to a humble broken spirit.

2007-12-22T06:17:00.000-08:00

This was a handout from a mission class at Elim Bible College:

quote:

Characteristics of a proud unbroken spirit as compared to a humble broken spirit.

1. Proud people focus on the failures of others. Broken people are overwhelmed with the sense of their own spiritual need .

2. Proud people are seIf-righteous- have a critical, fault-finding spirit looking at everyone else’s faults with a microscopebut their own with a telescope. They look down on others. Broken people are compassionate. They can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven. They think the best of others and esteem all others better themselves.

3. Proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit. Broken people have a dependent spirit and recognize their need for others .

4. Proud people have to prove that they are right. Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.

5. Proud people claim rights and have demanding spirit . Broken people yield their rights and have a meek spirit.

6. Proud people are self-protective of their time and their rights and their reputation.
Broken people are self-denying.

7. Proud people desire to be served. Broken people are motivated to serve others.

8. Proud people desire to be a success. Broken people are motivated to be faithful and make others successful.

9. Proud people desire for self-advancement. Broken people desire to promote others .

10. Proud people have a drive to be recognized and appreciated and are wounded when others are promoted and they are overlooked. Broken people have a sense of their own unworthiness and are thrilled that God would use them at all in any ministry, they are eager to give others the credit and they rejoice when others are lifted up .

11. Proud people have a sub conscious feeling this ministry is privileged to have me and my gifts and they think of what they can do for God. Broken people have a heart attitude that says I don't deserve to have any part in this ministry and they have nothing to offer to God, but the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives.

12. Proud people feel confident in how much they know. Broken people are humbled by how very much they have to learn.

13. Proud people are self conscious. Broken people are not concerned with self at all.

14. Proud people keep others at arms length. Broken people are willing to risk getting close to others and loving intimately.

15. Proud people are quick to blame others. Broken people accept personal responsibility and can see where they were wrong in a situation.

16. Proud people are unapproachable. Broken people are easy to be entreated.

17. Proud people are defensive when criticized. Broken people receive criticism with an open, humble Spirit.

18. Proud people are concerned with being respectable and what others think and working to protect their own image and reputation. Broken people are concerned with being real what they care about is what God knows and are willing to die to their own reputation.

19. Proud people find it difficult to share their spiritual needs with others. Broken people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.

20. Proud people want to be sure that no one knows they have sinned to cover up. Broken people are willing to be exposed because they have nothing to lose.

21. Proud people have a hard time In saying, “I was wrong, will you forgive me.”
Broken people are quick to admit their failures and seek forgiveness when necessary.

22. Proud people in confessing their sins, tend to deal in generalities. Broken people are able to deal with the specific conviction of God's spirit.

23. Proud people fear consequences of their sin. Broken people are grieved over the cause the root of their sin.

24. Proud people are remorseful they got found out. Broken people are repentant over their sin which is evidenced by the fact they forsake them

25. Proud people when misunderstood in relationships, wait for the other one to come and ask for forgiveness. Broken people take the initiative to see if they can get to the Cross first no matter how wrong the other may have been.

26. Proud people compare themselves with others and feel worthy of honor. Broken people compare themselves with the holiness of God and feel a desperate need for mercy.

27. Proud people are blind to their real heart condition. Broken people walk in the light

28. Proud people think they have nothing to be repentant of. Broken people realize that they have a need of a continual heart attitude of repentance.

29. Proud people are unbroken and don't think they need revival, but they are sure everyone else does. Broken people continually sense their need for a fresh encounter with God for a fresh filling of His Holy Spirit.

Procrastination

2007-12-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

This is from John Powell SJ's book Why am I afraid to tell you who I am?

It struck me because my 21 yo son is a procrastinator and I realize now, how my/our parenting has contributed to it

quote:
It has been said that the greatest mistake a man can make is to be afraid of making mistakes. Indecision and uncertainty are ways of avoiding mistakes and responsibility. If no decision is made nothing can go wrong. The inclination to avoid decisions is sometimes manifested by dragging out as long as possible the ones we actually must make. The only real mistake is not learning from our mistakes.

The basic problem here is self esteem and the protection of self-esteem. People who are indecisive fear that they will lose respect if their decision turns out to be wrong. Only little men, someone has said, are never wrong. We learn more from our mistakes than from our successes. But the indecisive person is so focused on his own ego and personal value that he does not see the validity of all these truths. The name of the game is safety and self-protection; the motto: Nothing attempted, nothing lost.

Very often, too, indecisiveness results in people who have been programed by multitudinous (and sometimes contradictory) instructions and moralizing, or who have been reproached and embarrassed for past mistakes. Finally, indecisiveness can result in a person's attempting to support more emotionally burdening problems than he can solve. He usually becomes rattled and can decide none of them

"When you find yourself in a difficult marriage..."

2007-12-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?

When you find yourself in a difficult marriage, or in a basically good marriage with one particular issue that grates on you, you can be sure that God wants to mature you as you face this problem with strength, courage, dignity, and biblical wisdom. God could of course speak the word and your problem would be solved- voila! But that's not how God usually works. He allows us to face issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate- he may even walk us through our deepest fears- so that we can grow in him.

The Bible is adamant about this. Spiritual growth takes place by persevering through difficult times

quotes from Rom 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; 1 Pet 1:7

The good news is that you and God are in this together. He knew, even before he created you, who you'd marry. And he will continue to give you the tools you need to become the person he's called you to be and to do the work he's created you to do within your current relationship. God would never leave you alone in any situation: "He will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut 31:6). Even if you married a non-Christian, God's grace is sufficient for you. You cannot dig a hole so deep that it cuts you off from God's provision, care, and life-giving strength....

That's the message I want to communicate: you and God are in this together, and he's beginning your marriage makeover with you. Let him transform you as you seek to move your husband. While you may never achieve the results you have in mind, you can- without question- change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. It begins with understanding, perhaps for the first time, the glory of being a godly woman and acting with the strength of a godly woman who understands she was created in the image of God, forgiven of her sins through the work of Jesus Christ, and gifted and empowered by God's Holy Spirit to live the life God has called her to live...

By courageously facing up to the challenges that every marriage faces, and by letting God change you in the process, something wonderful takes place- the formation of a new woman, fully alive to God, who can take the lessons she learns at home and apply them everywhere else.

"We can't guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it."

Sacred Influence - "God, not your marital status, defines your life."- #1

2007-12-05T10:43:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Is that true of you? The more it is, the more success your will have in moving your man, because weak women usually forfeit their influence.

Look at this from a very practical perspective: do you care much about what a person for whom you have little respect thinks of you? Probably not. So then, how is such a person going to influence you? When their opinion doesn’t matter; they may communicate clearly, honestly, and practically- but you’re still not going to listen to them. In the same way, if your husband doesn’t respect you, if you have sinfully put his acceptance of you over your identity as a daughter of God, then how will you ever influence him for the better? (Pg 21)

...if you will do almost anything to gain his acceptance- then you’ve just given to a man what rightfully belongs to God alone.
And that means you’ve turned marriage into idol worship.
When you do that, both you and your husband lose....
In addition, how will you ever find the courage to confront someone whose acceptance so determines your sense of well being that you believe you can’t exist without him? How will you ever take the risk to say what needs to be said if you think your future depends on your husband’s favor toward you? (Pg. 27)

If you truly want to love, motivate, and influence your husband, your first step must be to connect- and to stay connected- with God. Find your refuge, security, comfort, strength, and hope in him. (Pg. 28)

It’s not your pain that motivates him but his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment... in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage, and is an act of commitment, not rebellion (pg. 31)

Once you fully understand your status before God, you need never again live at the mercy of a man’s approval. (Pg. 33)

More from from Sacred Influence

2007-12-05T10:42:00.000-08:00

More from from Sacred Influence

Thomas is complementarian and traditional. He is sensitive to those of us with difficulties, however:

quote:
When a man is condescending and dictatorial toward his wife, when he treats her like hired help, when he requires her to dole out sexual favors on demand- the last place he should look to justify his lifestyle is in the Bible. His actions and attitudes offend God's revealed will and written Word. This is not marriage as God designed it, and it is not what Genesis, Proverbs, and Paul teach regarding the roles of husband and wife. (pg. 86)

In addition to addressing how to deal with an angry husband, he has chapters for women married to unbelievers, workaholics, a man having an affair, etc. I didn't read those. I read Chapter 14 "Pure Passion" which addresses- in part- the problem of porn:

quote:
Let me put it this way: 51 percent of pastors cite cyberporn as a possible temptation, and 37 percent confess it as a current struggle. In facty, four out of every ten pastors have visited a porn site. Sixty-six percent of the the men attending a church seminar admitted to struggling with porn in the past year; two thirds of these men serve in church leadership...

'The philosophical message of porn is that women are sex objects intended for the male's pleasure...

Only the rare husband, maybe one out of a thousand will listen to you rather than resent you when you stand up to his sexual demands. He will need to hear it from someone else... (pg 197)

Sacred Influence - "Taming Husband's Anger"

2007-12-05T10:41:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas-
Chapter 10 Taming the Temper Part 1: Self Respect as a First Defense against Your Husband’s Anger

As long as a woman blames herself for causing her husband’s temper, she ignores the real problem: she’s the target, not the cause. As long as a woman thinks she causes the anger, she accepts blame for her husband’s problem.... you need to know that it’s impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. But you can remove yourself as the target.

Ray grew up with a very critical alcoholic father who taught him that relationships are built on extremely high expectations. Ray admits, “Sometimes I have little patience, and yes, I can be intolerant of other people’s patterns...”

At first, Jo responded to Ray’s angry tone with defensiveness and guilt, thinking she was most likely in the wrong. But after Jo analyzed several confrontations, she eventually decided Ray wasn’t always right, which led her to react with anger of her own- and that only made things worse...

As I said before, you are most vulnerable to sin when you are sinned against. Your husband’s inappropriate expression of anger does not excuse your inappropriate expression of anger: “He who loves a quarrel loves sin” (Proverbs 17:9). ...

Jo... explains, “What I sensed God saying to me was to use communication that was direct and nonattacking and that showed self-respect: ‘This is what I need from you,’ or ‘Would you please communicate in a way that isn’t so frightening?’”... Note the spiritual foundation behind this transformation: Jo allowed God to change her which resulted in her husband’s spiritual growth.

Ray explains, “Before, if I was condescending to her or demeaning or critical, then she would respond very quickly and very angrily back: ‘Don’t talk to me that way! Don’t use that tone of voice when you’re talking to me!” Her face would get tight and tense, and I thought, ‘ Boy she’s really hurting. I’ve touched a deep nerve in there somewhere’ but I didn’t understand why she was making such a big deal out of it.’

In the midst of subsequent blowups, Jo concentrated on being firm but gentle. “I need for you to reword that so I don’t feel so defensive.” ... “I care about you very much, and I need you to know that what you said was hurtful”. She dropped the sharp “Don’t talk to me that way!”

According to Ray, Jo’s previous method of communicating “just made me feel guilty. I already knew I had *****ed up, and here she was piling it on... And when you already feel low about yourself... you’re more likely yo strike back and escalate the intensity.”

Ray says that what made him the angriest was being misunderstood. He believes that Jo sometimes just looked at his behavior without giving him the benefit of the doubt. That perplexed and frustrated him which would escalate into anger. In fact, Ray believes, on many occasions he had good intentions, but when Jo assumed the worst, he became frustrated , which in turn made him angry- and then he chose to lash out.

Sacred Influence- "Taming Husband's Anger"

2007-12-05T10:40:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming... Husband's Anger

Spiritual Preparation
There’s another principle we can learn from Jo’s experience: in order to confront anger in your man, you’re going to need to put your own spiritual house in order; otherwise you’ll likely lack the strength, courage, and perspective to help your husband...

When you live with an angry man, you not only crave but literally need God’s affirmation. Men can be very cruel with their cutting comments if you aren’t receiving affirmation and affection from your heavenly Father, you’re going to feel emotionally empty and perhaps even worthless- and that will feed into your husband’s response and tempt you to become even more of a doormat...

So if you’re living with an angry man, please accept my encouragement to spend all that much more time in worship, prayer, and Christian community so that you can soak up the love, affirmation, and affection you need for a healthy spiritual life. From such a strong spiritual core, you can face the hurt and frustration in your marriage as Jo did.

Armed with her standing before God, Jo made it clear to Ray that while she wanted to understand his frustration, she would not put up with verbal harassment....

Ray says, “I wanted to recognize her needs. When Jo stood up to me, it told me she valued herself. SO I valued her. It made me understand that Jo is a person with a lot of Character; she cares about herself, and I think every man wants that . I don’t think men want a woman they can just run over...”

This goes back to the point made in the very first chapter; respect is vital in a marriage, and not just for a woman toward her man, but also for a man toward his wife. If your husband doesn’t respect you, you’re going to have a very difficult time influencing him in any significant way. And if you don’t respect yourself, you’ll make it that much more difficult for you husband to respect you...

Angry men sometimes tell me something they rarely tell their wives: they feel ashamed of how they’ve acted; they hate what they’ve become. In most cases when you help a husband tame his temper, you’re helping him to become th kind of man he wants to be.

Sacred Influence- "Helping Him Love You"

2007-12-05T10:39:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming... Husband's Anger

Helping Him Love You

In her role as an inspirational speaker, Jo has met many women whose husbands have cowed them into an “unhealthy doormat mode”. Sadly, sometimes this posture gets couched in religious language and represents a complete misreading of biblical submission. Jo observes, “Women don’t tell men what they need because we’ve been taught its selfish to even think of ourselves. In fact, some of us aren’t in touch with our own feelings enough to even know what we need...”

This “martyr” method of marriage, though common among well meaning Christian women, shortchanges both husband and wife. Your husband will prosper spiritually and personally by excelling in loving you. God designed marriage, in part, to help both husband and wife grow in character. If you do all the sacrificing, if your husband runs over you, he’s not growing; he’s shrinking, spiritually speaking. He’s becoming lower in character. You may well become a saint after living with such a man for twenty years, but he is going to become increasingly miserable, because ultimately, any man who treats others poorly begins to despise himself. This might sound backward, but you need to love your husband by teaching him how to love you, because its spiritually healthy for him to grow in loving you.

At one time, the thought of telling her husband what she needed would have sounded selfish to Jo, and she would have dismissed the thought. She has since learned that respect matters and that a husband won’t truly love a woman for whom he has no respect. Jo realized that if she didn’t respect herself, her husband would adopt that same attitude of disrespect....

An angry husband often acts as if only his wife needs to change. This is a false view based on a lack of respect.

Sacred Influence- "Taming... Husband's Anger: Spiritual Lessons"

2007-12-05T10:38:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming... Husband's Anger

Spiritual Lessons

In addition to changing her verbal presentation with Ray, Jo went through a threefold spiritual process to see who she was in Christ. The biblical way in which God honors women- and the affirming way in which Jesus treated women- contrasted starkly with the subservient description she often heard applied to women in many churches. “When I looked into Scripture and realized who I was in Christ, I started valuing that. God thinks of me as a person of value and I needed to agree with him!” She had learned the truth highlighted earlier: God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Next, Jo applied this same “person of value” approach to Ray: “Not only does God value me as a woman and wife; he values Ray as a man and husband. When Ray spoke to me out of anger, I didn’t value him as God does. I resented him. I feared him. But I didn’t value him. It wasn’t until I stood up to Ray that I could begin to value him....

When a woman truly values a man she stands up to him and says, “You’re better than that. Don’t do this to yourself or us” A faithful sister in Christ challenges her man to grow in grace, mercy, and humility...

It was not God’s best for Ray to let his temper direct his relationships. “Many Christian spouses do not hold each other accountable.” Jo warns...

By holding each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only address issues that have the potential to wreck our families; we also help each other learn how to better relate to people in general. Genuine believers will welcome this process of sanctification.

Sacred Influence- from "Taming the Temper Part 2"

2007-12-05T10:37:00.000-08:00

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

from Chapter 11- Taming the Temper Part 2: Learning to Navigate through Your Husband’s Anger

If you live with an angry man, this is your "spiritual marathon". You're going to be challenged in ways that may terrify you. Women who marry abusive men often had abusive fathers, and they've developed a lifelong portrait of themselves as victims. It will go against every learned response in your hurting soul to finally stand up and say you're not going to take it anymore- but doing so is the pathway to healing, hope, and a healthier marriage.

You may feel terrified, but think with me about a future in which you are supported instead of threatened, in which you feel adored instead of attacked and appreciated instead of insulted. Isn't it worth the risk for you and your children, to work toward such a marriage?...

Your God is with you, and his people will surround you. Spend some time asking God to bring some helpers into your life before you act; this may be the wisest step you can take. And then more forward from there. If you keep stepping out in faith, you'll discover just how strong you can become in Christ- and that's a valuable life lesson. If you persevere in this, you won't even recognize yourself several years down the road. That timid, fearful, victimized personality will vanish in favor or a strong, wise, bold, and courageous woman of faith.

"Sacred Influence" - STOP the generational pattern!

2007-12-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

Thomas does not rule out separation from an unrepentantly abusive husband.

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas:

quote:
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If as a result of this confrontation he chooses to repent and seek to grow, in the end he'll thank you. After he confronts his behavior and begins to make changes, he'll find it far more fulfilling to love, nurture, encourage, and support a woman than to abuse one. If he doesn't repent, you certainly do face some dark days ahead; but in the end, that will be better than remaining in a home where you fear for your life. Furthermore, you'll teach your children that their father's behavior simply isn't acceptable. Your daughters will learn not to put up with that kind of behavior, and your courageous action can help to stop a generational pattern of destruction. pg 155
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Beth Moore on Solitude

2007-12-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

from Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple" pg 79-80

...we are each on our own before God. Every life is separate and distinct. We may think we have partnerships in life or ministry without which we cannot exist or operate. We may think that everything in the Christian experience is about body life, but it’s not. Yes, we’re all parts of the body of Christ, and we function in each generation as parts of a whole; but until we each stand before God with a shocking awareness of our solitary standing, I’m not sure we have a clue about our part.

I don’t believe that one of us who is serious about God will forego this test. It’s no 30 minute quiz; it’s a lifelong essay test written in blood. Will we loose our hold on anything and anyone else as a prerequisite to following Christ in the intensity of aloneness? If you can answer quickly, I’m not sure you grasp the question’s seriousness....

moments come when the awareness of my solitary estate before God so radically overwhelms me that I fall to my knees and weep. Bitterly. Frighteningly. The feeling is so intense that at times I can hardly bear it...

How much of your life you’ve invested in Jesus Christ is the issue. Have we held some back for ourselves- just in case He’s not as real, as powerful, as active as we thought? Just in case He doesn’t come through? Just in case He really can’t be taken at His Word? Or have we banked everything we have and everything we are on the reality that Jesus Christ is Lord of all the earth? We will never fulfill our destinies until our hope is built on nothing less.

We can lock arms with fellow servants just as the disciples did. We will experience a measure of God’s anointing and perform some significant works. For the parts of a whole to work as God intended them, however, each part must stand on its own before a highly personal God. If we insist on a boat full of company, we’ll miss the waves where we ride only one at a time. When a wave of loneliness suddenly erupts, ride it. Let your stomach rise and fall with fear and peculiar excitement. Don’t fight the feeling. Don’t just busy yourself. Ride the wave straight into the presence of God and experience the adventure of feeling you’re the only one there.

The intensity of your solitary estate is often most obvious when you fight to reconcile the facts of life with the words of faith. Do you grapple with questions like, Why did God let my brother die but perform a miracle for my best friend? I’m not sure if John ever figured this one out...

Solitude is not so much the place we find answers as the place we decide if we’re going on, possibly alone- without them. Many of us will. Why? Because the privilege of wrestling with such a holy and majestic God still beats the numbness and pitiful mediocrity of life otherwise. Sometimes we don’t realize how real He is until we’ve experienced the awesomeness of His answerless presence. He knows that what we crave far more than explanations is the unshakable conviction that He is utterly and supremely God.

Beth Moore Confesses

2007-12-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

quote from "Beloved Disciple"

'It's high time I made a blatant confession. I am a Christian hedonist. Have been for years even before I knew what it means. I wish I had better words for it, but let me just say Jesus makes me happy! He thrills me! He nearly takes my breath away with His beauty. As seriously as I know how to tell you, I am at times so overwhelmed by His love for me, my face blushes with intensity and my heart races with holy anticipation. Jesus is the uncontested delight of my life. I never intended for this to happen. I didn't even know it was possible. It all started with an in-depth study of His Word in my late 20s and then surged, oddly enough, with a near emotional and mental collapse in my early 30s. At the end of myself I came to the beginning of an intensity of relationship with Christ that no one told me was possible. Now I spend my life telling anyone who will listen...

CS Lewis wrote... "if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."'

from "Boundaries in Marriage" quote #2

2007-12-01T16:02:00.000-08:00

from Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

Yet, love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies: "Perfect love casts out fear" (I John 4:18). And when two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough and becomes self-centered or controlling...Boundaries in Marriage is fundamentally about love. It is about promoting it, growing it, developing it, and repairing it. We want to help you develop love through providing a better environment for it; one of freedom and responsibility. This is where boundaries, or personal property lines, come in. They protect love by protecting individuals.

from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend

2007-12-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

Here is an excerpt from Boundaries in Marriage about two different routes marriage can take. Mine is moving from "Harold and Sarah" to "Frank and Julia"Quoted from Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend

A Tale of Two Couples...
With Harold and Sarah, I enjoyed a buffet dinner where you get a ticket for various parts of the meal and you have to leave the table with your ticket and go get your item. The dinner was winding down; we were ready for dessert. Harold reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out his dessert ticket. Tossing it in front of Sarah, he said casually, “Sarah, dessert.” Not “Please, Sarah, will you get my dessert for me?” And certainly not “Can I get your dessert, honey?” Harold was assuming Sarah would obediently comply with his two word command.I didn’t know what to say, so I sat there and watched. Sarah was clearly embarrassed by Harold’s public display of control. She sat there for a couple of seconds, apparently deciding what to do. Then she seemed to gather her courage and quietly but forcefully said, “Why don’t you get your own dessert?”Harold looked surprised. Evidently he wasn’t used to her refusing to obey his commands. However, he recovered, made a weak joke about uppity women, and left the table to redeem his ticket. While he was gone, Sarah said to me, “Sorry, I just couldn’t let it go this time with my friends here.” I felt so sad for Sarah, realizing that her reaction to her husband tonight was the exception rather than the rule. I also realized that, on a deeper level, while Harold and Sarah were legally connected, they were emotionally disconnected. Their hearts were not knit together.

Frank and Julia were different. I was traveling and they were hosting me. We went to their home after dinner. After awhile it was time for me to return to my hotel, and I needed a ride. Julia, a counselor like me, was primarily responsible for my trip and had been chauffeuring me to various speaking engagements and meetings. So clearly she was the person to take me back.

However, Frank looked at his wife and said, “You look tired, honey. I’ll take John back to his hotel.” I could see the conflict in Julia’s face between her duty to me and her need for rest. Finally, she said “Okay, thanks.” And Frank drove me to the hotel.

The next day, at the conference, I talked to Julia. I remarked on Frank’s kindness in offering the ride and on her struggle with taking the offer. She said, “It wasn’t always that way. In out twenties, he wouldn’t have offered, and I wouldn’t have taken the offer. But we worked on this issue a lot during those days. I had to put my foot down on some issues, and we almost divorced. It was a difficult period, but it has paid off. We can’t imagine not being each other’s soul mates.” During my time with them, I had observed that Frank’s and Julia’s hearts were knit together, that they were emotionally connected.

Though both couples had many years of marriage experience, each couple’s love and relationship had taken very different turns. Harold and Sarah were unable to love deeply and relate to each other, because Harold controlled Sarah and Sarah allowed him to control her . They had what are called major boundary conflicts, in which one person crosses the lines of responsibility and respect with another. When one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom.

from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend #3

2007-12-01T15:39:00.000-08:00

from Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend

Let’s suppose your spouse is aware of your feelings and concerns, but ignores, minimizes, or otherwise resists your boundaries. If this is your situation, you have some work ahead of you. It is hard work, but it can also be the most productive thing you will ever do for your marriage...You must not approach this problem as if you are a team. At this point, you have an adversary. Like a child having a tantrum, your spouse may hate you for entering the world of boundaries. So understand that you are on your own, within the marriage, in approaching the issue. Actually, you are not alone; you have God... But you don’t expect much cooperation from your spouse.A few things you may be tempted to do will not help the situation at all. Remember these, tape them in your wallet and DON’T DO THEM!

- Don’t deny or minimize the situation if it is a significant boundary problem. Hiding from reality doesn’t change reality.
-Don’t ignore the situation, hoping it will get better. Time alone does not heal character immaturity.
-DON’T become more compliant and pleasing, hoping love will fix everything. Again, character issues demand more than love in order to mature.
-Don’t nag. Repeating the same protest over and over never changed anyone (Prov 21:9)
-Don’t be constantly surprised at your spouse’s behavior. This is a sign of a defensive hoping against hope. When out-of-control people have no external forces causing them pain, they generally stay out-of-control. Expect things to stay the same until you initiate changes within the marriage.
-Don’t blame. Very few marriage boundary conflicts involve an all innocent and all guilty party. Take ownership of your part of the issue, taking the log out of your own eye. (Matt 7:5)
-Don’t take total ownership of the problem. If you rescue your partner from his part, you will only make the issue worse (Prov 19:19)

“To offer to domineer over the conscience is to assault the citadel of heaven.”

2007-11-13T05:18:00.001-08:00

quoted from The Vashti-Esther Story

God placed before Esther the duty of ruling Ahasuerus for the good of his realm and for the saving of the Jews from annihilation. Her conscience bade her to obey God alone, which she did it at the risk of her life. Esther found her first step in obedience to God was a transgression of two laws of the kingdom in which her husband ruled. The most recent law required the resigning of her conscience to his will, which Esther did not do. The other law bore a death penalty for disobedience unless the king offered his golden scepter for a pledge of good faith. She passed successfully through both ordeals.

The next step was to interfere between the king and his dearest friend, Haman. The tie was broken and Haman was hanged shortly after by the king's order. The king would have stopped here with the death of Haman, but Esther did not allow it. The king must undo a law of the Medes and Persians, "which is unchangeable" (8: 8), and the law to slaughter the Jews was of that order (3:10,12).

The sixth chapter of Daniel tells us how King Darius became entrapped in his own law of the Medes and Persians, "which altereth not," and was obliged to allow Daniel to be cast into the den lion's den. He labored all day to save Daniel, spent a sleepless night while Daniel was in the den, and "very early" in the morning with weeping and lamentation. By a miracle of God, King Darius found Daniel unharmed after a night with the lions. Esther had to break through this kind of law to deliver her people from annihilation. Her tears, pleading and pressure (Esther 8:3-6) on the king found a way. Another law was proclaimed as extensively as the law of destruction. The Jews were to be armed in order to defend themselves. Government officials in all places were instructed to assist the Jews to be ready for the attack on the appointed day for their slaughter, and they gave much help. (Esther 9:3)

Ahasuerus had the reputation with historians of being self-indulgent; indolent and careless. Certainly he showed these qualities in allowing Haman to proclaim such a law in the king’s name. Esther rendered great service to her king besides saving her people in getting this ill-considered law reversed.

His realm was formed out of all kinds of petty nations tribes and clans—many of them fierce and lawless, living by depredations upon others. Alexander the Great, who conquered Medo-Persia in B.C. 333, neglected the country and allowed it to fall to pieces because he did not prize it.

To be sure, the despots of those early times did not exercise any scruples when occasionally killing off a tribe of a few hundred. Doubtless, Ahasuerus got this troublesome idea from Haman.

Because the Jews existed in vast numbers throughout the realm, the king was amazed and thrown into a passion. He saw that his whole country would be thrown into confusion. With the legalization of killing of prey, quickly no life would be safe, Jew or Gentile after the slaughtering got under way. But he seems to have thought all was stopped when the mischief-maker Haman was hanged.

Esther’s second risk to go unto the king unbidden secured an antidote law against Haman’s, and yet 800 men in Shushan alone, knowing well the proclamation that the Jews were armed; fell upon the Jews presented swords and spears, hoping to overthrow them for the sake of booty. Because they were after Jewish prey, 75,000 men throughout the provinces perished for their folly in attacking the Jews. Thus, the country was ridded of ten thousands of brigands, who fell through their own rashness.

The law of defense provided for the Jews to take the prey of those they killed, but it is recorded three times that the Jews “laid not their hands to the prey.” They merely defended themselves.

It does not require a very lively imagination to understand that a situation not unlike civil war had been brought about by Haman’s foolhardy meddling with government, when nearly 76,000 were left dead on the battlefield, not to number the wounded; and the conflict extended all over the realm. This was not an affair confine to the Jews. It was non-Jews who suffered death—but the lawless and not the better elements of the population.

All had passed through the real peril of violence from the bandit mob, which was brought into activity by Haman’s law and refused to be assuaged by the antidote law. Therefore, all rejoiced when order was restored and not the Jews alone but certainly the most. Their nation has been rescued, and the Feast of Purim was established as a memorial for all time.

But what about that decree that was the result of Vashti’s disobedience, instructing all wives to give honor to their lords, both great and small, lest Vashti’s conduct should, by example, encourage women to despise their lords (“husbands”), and there would arise “too much contempt and wrath?” (1:18)

It was forgotten when it became known throughout the provinces that their king had such a wonderful, as well as most beautiful, queen. The king was so devoted to her. Esther had great influence over him for the good of their country. She influenced him to find a way to combat a vicious law that had been proclaimed to kill and plunder all the Jews. This mischievous law would have run into indiscriminate plundering.

The women forgot to copy Vashti, alas, even in her modesty and also in her disobedience. They didn’t heed her case as a warning. However, we believe they copied everything they could learn about Esther, her style of dress and all that. Sometimes they said to their husbands, “It’s a wise plan to sometimes listen to and act upon a wife’s opinions as the king does.” Probably, husbands said, “I do wish women wasted less time in gossip and on their hair and fingernails, and took an interest in the welfare of the nation, like the queen.”

Many people of the land became Jews, “for the fear of the Jews fell upon them.” (8:17). We suppose they said, “Our queen looks well to the interests of her people, and she has great influence over the king. One might almost think he is a Jew, too. It won’t do to mistreat a Jew. I think I will join the Jews and keep myself in their favor—that is the safe side.”

The whole atmosphere of women’s life in Persia must have altered considerably after Jehovah inaugurated His attack through Esther upon that law which placed Jehovah in a position secondary to her husband. The first part of the Ten Commandments should be first in every wife’s life, “Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.” Vashti and Esther both put conscience, God, first.

When God sent Moses to Pharoah, He armed him with the demand: “Let My people go, that they may serve Me.” The teaching is “they cannot serve me when service is regulated by any other master than Myself.” No more can a wife render service to a husband lawfully except as god, not the husband, regulates the service. Otherwise, she serves man and not God and is an idolater to that extent.

Let us repeat: The second and only other appearance of God as the “I AM” after His revelation of that name to Moses when He came as an Emancipator (Exodus 3:14), is here in Esther 7:5 in the sentence, “Who is he, and where is he”—and it is Jehovah who interrupts, as it were, to give answer, “It is the Emancipator, the I Am: I am here.”

The story of Vashti and Esther does not end with the Jews’ deliverance from death, though that was soon experienced. It did not begin with, nor does it end, with Esther. It began with Vashti, and it ends with a broader purpose than Esther’s nation, which it includes—a purpose that includes Gentiles like Vashti.

“Jehovah” was first revealed to Moses (Exodus 6:3), Covenant-Keeper, the One who made the covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He included in the Great Covenant Eve whose Seed should bruise the Serpent’s head. (Genesis 3:15). Although that covenant was spoken to the Serpent, Jehovah has “come down” this time to interrupt the king’s question to say, “I am here to deliver all the seed of the ‘mother of all living,’ out from the bondage and slavery of Satan into ‘the glorious liberty of the children of God.’”

"Searching for God Knows What" on Adam and Eve

2007-11-11T22:14:00.000-08:00

Here are some clips of an insightful and thought provoking look at Adam and Eve from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller:

quote:
But here is Adam, the only perfect guy in the world, and he is going around wanting to be with somebody else, needing another person to fulfill a certain emptiness in his life. And as I said, when God saw this, He did not create Eve right away. He did not give Adam what he needed immediately. He waited. He told Adam to name the animals....

I looked up how many animals there are in the world... and Adam, apparently, had to name all of them. And the entire time he was lonely.

I never thought of Adam the same again... this was a man who, despite feeling a certain need for a companion, performed what must have been nearly one hundred years of work, naming and perhaps even categorizing the animals... Moses said that Eve didn’t give birth to their third child till Adam was well into his hundreds, which means they would have had Cain and Abel some thirty or so years before, which also means either it took Adam more than a hundred years to name the animals, or he and Eve didn’t have sex for a good, long, boring century. And so in my mind, I began to see Adam as a lonely naturalist...

The thing is, when Adam finished naming the animals, after all his work and effort, God put him to sleep, took a rib out of his side, and fashioned a woman. I had read that part a thousand times, too, but I don’t think I quite realized how beautiful that moment was... So here was this guy who was intensely relational, needing other people, and in order to cause him to appreciate the gift of companionship, God had him hang out with chimps for a couple hundred years. Its quite beautiful, really. God directed Adam’s steps so that when He created Eve, Adam would have the utmost appreciation, respect, and gratitude.

I think it was smart of God because today, now that there are women all around and a guy can go on the Internet and see them naked anytime he wants, the whole species has been devalued. I read recently where one out of every four women, by the time they reach thirty , are sexually harassed, molested, or raped. And then I thought how very beautiful it was that God made Adam work for so long because there is no way, after a hundred years of being alone, looking for somebody whom you could connect with in your soul, that you would take advantage of a woman once you met one. She would be the most precious creation in all the world...

I’ll bet Adam felt loved by God, like he was somebody God was always trying to bless and surprise with amazing experiences, and I’ll bet they talked together about how beautiful Eve was and how wonderful it was that the two of them could know her, and I would imagine that Eve felt safe, loved, not used or gawked at, but appreciated and admired....

I started asking myself why Moses would say five times that people were naked before the Fall, but after the Fall they went around with clothes on... The very first thing that happened after Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was that they noticed they were naked. And man, I couldn’t stop thinking about how whatever happened at the Fall made them aware they were naked...

Here is what I think Moses was saying: Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God’s love is so pure, that Adam and Eve felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn’t even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly. All of their glory, the glory that came from God, was gone...

I used to think that when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person...
And then it hit me how awful it must have been for Adam and Eve... to have been tricked by Satan into breaking their relationship with God.

You and I have it easier. We were born this way. But I remember loving a girl back in Colorado and having her explain to me she didn’t feel the same and how for a year I lived in the attic of an old house in Portland, feeling an ache and emptiness in my heart I thought would never mend...
And this feeling, this feeling must have been so much more painful for Adam and Eve, this feeling of having an infinite amount of love pouring through their lives and then its’s suddenly gone... I wondered at how terrible it must have felt, at the fear of no longer feeling God, at the ache of emptiness and the sudden and horrifying awareness of self. God have mercy.

Beth Moore quotes

2007-11-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

Quoted from Beth Moore Breaking Free

quote:
For the believer, the first step of freedom from any stronghold is agreeing with God concerning the personal sin involved. Please understand, the object of our imaginations itself is not always sin. The sin may lie solely in the exaltation of it in our own minds. For example, nothing could be more natural or reflective of the heart of God than a mother’s love for her child. However, if she has passed the bounds of healthy affection to overprotection, obsession, adoration, and idolatry, she has constructed a stronghold. Pg 191

God loves perfectly. His love is both vocal and demonstrative. He balances blessing and discipline. God's love is unfailing, so any time we perceive He does not love us, our perceptions are wrong. Anything we perceive about God that does not match up with 1) the truth of Scripture and 2) the portrayal of His character in Scripture- is a lie.

When we realize we've been believing a lie, our bonds lose their grip. At those times we might pray something like: "I may not feel loved or lovable, but Your Word says You love me so much You gave up Your beloved Son for me. I don't know why I continue to feel unloved, but at this moment I choose to believe the truth of Your Word. I rebuke the enemy's attempt to make me doubt Your love. Satan knows the truth will set me free and I have believed his lies over Your Word. I also pray for forgiveness for the sin of unbelief. Help me overcome my unbelief."

quote:

I ...remember the harrowing moment God opened my eyes to see what a lie I had believed. I cried for days.

I originally thought this lie was a good thing. My heart, handicapped in childhood, had deluded me. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, I eventually bowed down and worshiped it. My only consolation in my idolatry is that I finally allowed Him to peel away my fingers and to my knowledge, have only grasped His hand since.

Had I not discovered what a lie was in my right hand, I would never have run to Him to fill up the void it left. I have discovered the glorious satisfaction of only the Lord Jesus Christ can bring. I can truly say to you at this moment that I love Him more than anything or anyone in this world. Jesus is the uncontested love of my life.

Yes, I plunged to the depths to discover this level of satisfaction. Sadly, I often learn things the hard way. I pray to settle for nothing less the rest of my days. I am very aware that Satan will constantly cast idols before me. I hope never to forget that the same one I bowed down and worshiped before I could fall to again.

Beloved, whatever we are gripping to bring us the satisfaction is a lie- unless it is Christ. He is the Truth that sets us free. Pg 63

from "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb

2007-11-09T05:44:00.000-08:00

from Inside Out by Larry Crabb

quote:
“The illusion that life in a fallen world is really not too bad must be shattered. When even the best parts of life are exposed as pathetic counterfeits of how things should be, the reality drives us to a level of distress that threatens to utterly undo us. But it’s when we’re on the brink of personal collapse that we’re best able to shift the direction of our soul from self-protection to trusting love. The more deeply we enter into the reality that life without God is sheer desolation, the more fully we an turn toward Him...
The richest love grows in the soil of an unbearable disappointment with life. When we realize life can’t give us what we want, we can better give up our foolish demand that it do so and get on with the noble task of loving as we should. We will no longer need to demand protection from further disappointment. The deepest change will occur in the life of a bold realist who clings to God with a passion only his realistic appraisal of life can generate.” pg 213-14

“Until we recognize with tears how determined we are to move away from pain and how that determination reflects our blasphemous decision to preserve our own life, we will not be able to identify the subtle ways in which our relational style violates love for others by keeping us safe... We repent by radically shifting our motivation and direction from self-preservation to trust on the basis of the belief that Christ has given and is preserving out life. The fruit of repentance is a changed style of relating that replaces self-protective maneuvering with loving involvement.” 196

“The more clearly we recognize how deep our commitment to self-protection operates in our relational style and the more courageously we face the ugliness of protecting ourselves rather than loving others, the more we’ll shift our direction.” 200

“In order to meaningfully repent of the ways in which we violate love, we must recognize them. We won’t recognize self-protective patterns of relating as sinful violations of love until we face the disappointment in our soul we’re determined never to experience again.” 204

Are You a Doormat?

2007-11-09T05:40:00.000-08:00

from Unbreakable Bonds by Meier:
The characteristics below reveal what you are choosing to give away in your choice to stay a doormat:

Doing things for others that they ought to be doing for themselves. I give away my praise. I live for the praise of others.

Others make my choices. I give away my priorities. Others direct my life.

Others determine my self worth and define my identity. I give away my personhood. Others determine my value.

Rejection is what I fear most. I give away my purpose. I reduce my purpose to fear.

Mad at myself for not measuring up. I give away my pardon. I am perpetually self-critical.

Afraid of conflict. I give away my power. I teach myself that I do not deserve to be powerful.

True love is missing from my heart. I give away my plenty. I relinquish the abundance I could experience from loving myself unconditionally.

"From Bondage to Bonding"

2007-11-09T04:46:00.000-08:00

Quotes from Nancy Groom From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love

quote:
“Gentleness is possible even when rebuking those who harm us, because we know our purpose is not to destroy but to redeem. And patience becomes our habit because we know God isn’t finished with any of us yet, and because His presence enables us to endure out fiery trials with perseverance, if not always tranquility... Because Christ dwells within us, we can choose to act like Him... The first ingredient of forgiveness is loving confrontation... But it’s more loving-and more respectful-to hold others accountable. When codependents set appropriate boundaries for themselves by refusing to accept mistreatment, they are doing what is good not just for themselves but for their abusers as well... But setting limits and reestablishing boundaries meet the criteria for biblical love only if the focus is on mutual welfare, not revenge or personal safety. Forgiveness and restoration are impossible if sin is not addressed.” 158-9

pg 20 “a codependent person is addicted... to a destructive pattern of relating to other people, a pattern usually learned from childhood in an abusive or non-nurturing home” pg 34 “people damaged by childhood experiences who cope with their world by trying to please and who end up being controlled instead” pg 36 “People pleasers lack the strength of character necessary to confront what may be a wrong attitude or action...” pg 120 “Self-forfeiture... is counterproductive to the mutuality of relationship... A marionette has nothing to offer but compliance, and compliance isn’t intimacy. When we act like pawns in someone else’s chess game, we destroy God’s image in us disenfranchising ourselves from making out own choices. Our chosen self-forfeiture is a self protective strategy we must both repent and hold ourselves accountable to change”

from “Bondage to Bonding” pg 198 “The change process is almost never even; usually one person is ready to drop the wrong dependency long before the other. In such cases, offering one’s whole heart may need to be postponed until the other is ready to receive it. Jesus told his disciples shortly before His death, “I have much more to say to you, more than you can now bear”... Someone we love deeply may be unable to bear the depth of our pain or to share the burden of our self discoveries. We may need to suffer the loneliness of a waiting love, walking the tightrope of inviting the other in without revictimizing ourselves. [italics mine] Finally, we may need to relinquish the dream of deep intimacy with that person and turn to God with our overflowing hearts.”

“...abused women... convert their rage and self contempt into a passionate commitment to never be hurt again.” Pg. 54

“Codependents typically refuse to let themselves need the freely chosen tender involvement of others. Neediness terrifies them because it wasn’t safe to be needy in childhood... Neediness for some is also shameful. A woman, shamed as a child for being fearful or upset, represses instinctively her anxiety or sadness as an adult.” 55

“Often the anger experienced in their contemporary relationships is really a displaced anger from an earlier event or situation... Soul wounds do not heal if they are ignored. They continue to govern our emotions, our self-images, and our ways of interacting in relationships.” 90

“Depending utterly on God for our ultimate well-being is the doorway to intimacy, to a renewed freedom to love, to hurt, to laugh, to make mistakes, to ask forgiveness, to feel our feelings, to start each day new.” 147

“I must enter the abject humiliation of needing, of asking for what my soul longs for, instead of protecting myself from the pain of its loss... Most of all, surrendering to God requires that I fully own my personal responsibility ro love others well.” 148

Quotes from Nancy Groom From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love

quote:
“Codependents with blurred boundaries often allow someone to hurt or abuse them because they somehow think that person has a right to invade their privacy, plans, or personal well-being with impunity.... In fact some of the messages she heard in church about submission reinforced her belief that she didn’t have any rights to claim for herself in relationship to [her husband]” Bondage to Bonding pg 28

“Their behaviors might mimic the way Jesus lived, but in their inner spirits they are far from being the free, loving, glad servants Jesus modeled to His disciples. In fact, they see themselves as not only powerless but essentially worthless.” pg. 30

“The expectation of emotional deprivation goes hand in hand with low self-esteem... a part of her felt she didn’t really deserve a happy home or kind treatment from her husband and children. After all, she hadn’t always been the perfectly loving wife and mother she had wanted and always tried to be.” 39

“Self-contempt can wear many faces, sometimes passing for humility or selflessness. Her husband Jake batters her emotionally with critical, demeaning words. Because Angie blames and despises herself for the childhood incest, she never defends herself. She thinks she deserves Jake’s accusations and keeps trying harder to be the loving, chaste wife she inwardly despairs of ever being.” 39

“Jesus was confidently aware of his own value. Self-contempt was the furthest thing from His mind... and in his awareness He yielded his rights for His chosen. The two go together: self-valuing and genuine love.” Pg. 41

“He [Jesus] never masked his feelings but expressed them openly and without shame. He wept... verbalized His frustration... expressed His anger... agonized... gave up His live with a loud scream...” 71

“God’s ‘solution’ is not to somehow get us to work harder to achieve what He commands us to do- ie love Him and others. Rather, He calls us to admit that we have not done and cannot do what He commands- our fallen nature makes it impossible. In the face of that impossibility to be perfect, we are left with the ultimate choice: despair or grace.” 131

“If we choose to move toward repentance we discover that our scrupulously polished exteriors camouflage deep self centeredness... God invites us to open our whitewashed tombs and expose the decadence of our lives to the cleansing power of His grace... We have shunned God, rejecting His grace in order to maintain our self-sufficiency. We have failed to love others with the kind of passionate other-centeredness God requires. And we have revictimized ourselves refusing to believe we’re loved with an everlasting love that prompts genuine self-love and grateful obedience.” 122

“An important part of my own recovery process is experiencing a redeemed Parent-child relationship with God, seeing myself as His beloved daughter and practicing a childlike relationship with Him in my spiritual walk. Young children have nothing to offer but themselves- their need, their trust, and their love. In His grace God reduces me toe the raw nakedness of needing and receiving- the stuff of children, even infants.” 142

“One of the most profound effects of being deeply connected to God is a renewed sense of our own preciousness. When I know and can believe God cherishes me as a beloved child, I can know and believe my worth as a person... We are children of the Great King and special to our Father. Princes and princesses don’t let themselves be abused; they like themselves and expect to be respected.” 144

"Taking it to Eve" by John Eldredge

2007-11-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

Here is part of a chapter from Wild At Heart by John Eldredge.

Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Taking It To Eve

Remember the story of my first kiss, that little darling I fell in love with in the seventh grade and how she made my bicycle fly? I fell in love with Debbie the very same year my father checked out of my story, the year I took my deepest wound. The timing was no coincidence. In a young boy's development, there comes a crucial time when the father must intervene. It arrives early in adolescence, somewhere between the ages of eleven and fifteen, depending on the boy. If that intervention does not happen, the boy is set up for disaster; the next window that opens in his soul is sexuality. Debbie made me feel like a million bucks. I couldn't have put words to it at the time; I had no idea what was really going on. But in my heart I felt I had found the answer to my question. A pretty girl thinks I am the greatest. What more can a guy ask for? If I've found Juliet, then I must be Romeo.

When she broke up with me, it began what has been a long and sad story of searching for "the woman that will make me feel like a man." I went from girlfriend to girlfriend trying to get an answer. To be the hero to the beauty - that has been my longing, my image of what it means to really, finally be a man. Bly calls it the search fot the Golden-haired Woman.

He sees a woman across the room, knows immediately that it is "She." He drops the relationship he has, pursues her, feels wild excitement, passion, beating heart, obsession. After a few months, everything collapses; she becomes an ordinary woman. He is confused and puzzled. Then he sees once more a radiant face across the room, and the old certainty comes again. (Iron John)

Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there's the fact that a man is visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more that they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn't even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced. You must understand - this is deeper than legs and breasts and good sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the golden-haired woman. They have fought duals over her beauty; they have fought wars. You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we'd also recover with our own lost masculinity.

You'll recall the little boy Phillip, from the movie A Perfect World? Remember what his fear was? That his penis was puny. That's how many men articulate a sense of emasculation. Later in life a man's worst fear is impotence. If he can't get an erection, then he hasn't got what it takes. But the opposite is also at work. If a man can feel an erection, well then, he feels powerful. He feels strong. I'm telling you, for many men The Question feels hardwired to his penis. If he can feel like the hero sexually, well, then mister, he's the hero. Pornography is so seductive because what is a wounded, famished man to think when there a literally hundreds of beauties willing to give themselves to him? Of course, it's not just to him, but when's he's alone with the photos, it feels like it's just him.)

It's unbelievable - how many movies center around this lie? Get the beauty, win her, bed her, and you are the man. You're James Bond. You're a stud. Look carefully at the lyrics to Bruce Springsteen's song, Secret Garden (from his Greatest Hits recording, 1995):
She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides.
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you wantWhere everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away.

It's a deep lie wedded to a deep truth. Eve is a garden of delight. (Song 4:16) But she's not everything you want, everything you need - not even close. Ofcourse it will stay a million miles away. You can't get there from here because it's not there. It's not there. The answer to your question can never, ever be found there. Don't get me wrong. A woman is a captivating thing. More captivating that anything else in all creation. "The naked woman's body is a portion of eternity too great for the eye of man." Femininity can arouse masculinity. Boy oh boy can it. My wife flashes me a little breast, a little thigh, and I'm ready for action. All systems alert. She tells me in a soft voice that I'm a man and I'll leap tall buildings for her. But femininity can never bestow masculinity. It's like asking a pearl to give you a buffalo. It's like asking for a field of wildflowers to give you a '57 chevy. They are different substances entirely.

Dave, whose father blew a hole in his chest when he called him "mamma's boy", took his question to the woman. Recently he confessed to me that younger women are his obsession. You can see why - they're less of a threat. A younger woman isn't half the challenge. He can feel more like a man there. Dave's embarrassed by his obsession, but it deosn't stop him. A younger woman feels like the answer to his question and he's got to get an answer. But he knows his search is impossible. He admitted to me just the other day, "Even if I marry a beautiful woman, I will always know there is an even more beautiful woman out there somewhere. So I'll wonder - could I have won her?"

It's a lie. As Bly says. it's a search without an end. "We are looking at the source of a lot of desperation in certain men here, and a lot of suffering in certain women." How often I have seen this. A friend's brother hit rock bottom a few years back when his girlfriend broke up with him. He was a really successful guy, a high star athelete who became a promising young attorney. But he was carrying a wound from an alcoholic, workaholic father who never gave him what every boy craves. Like so many of us, he took his heart with it's question to the woman. When she dumped him, my friend said, "it blew him out of the water. He went into a major nosedive, started drinking heavily, smoking. He even left the country. His life was shattered."

This is why so many men secretly fear their wives. She sees him as noone else does, sleeps with him, know's what he is made of. If he has given her the power to validate him as a man, then he has also given her the power to invalidate him too. That's the deadly catch. A pastor told me that for years he's been trying to please his wife and she keeps giving him an "F". "What is she is not the report card on you?" I suggested. "She sure feels like it...and I am failing."

Another man, Richard, became verbally abusive toward his wife in the early years of their marriage. His vision for his life was that he was meant to be Romeo and therefore, she must be Juliet. When she turned out not to be the Golden-haired Woman, he was furious. Because that meant, you see, that he was not the heroic man. I remember seeing a picture of Julia Roberts without costume and makeup; Oh, I realised, she's just an ordinary woman.

"He was coming to me for his validation," a young woman told me about the man she was dating. Or, had been dating. She was drawn to him at first, and certainly drawn to the way he was taken with her. "That's why I broke up with him." I was amazed at her perceptiveness and her courage. It's very rare to find, especially in younger women. How wonderful it feels at first to be his obsession. To be thought of as a goddess is pretty heady stuff. But eventually, it all turns from romance to immense pressure on her part. "He kept saying, 'I don't know if I have what it takes and you're telling me I don't.' He'll thanks me for it one day."
What's fascinating to note is that homosexuals are actually more clear on this point. They know what is missing in their hearts is masculine love. The problem is that they've sexualised it. Joseph Nicolosi says that homosexuality is an attempt to repair the wound by filling it with masculinity, either the masculine love that was missin or the masculine strength many men feel they do not possess. It, too, is a vain search and that is why so many of them suffer depression and a host of other addictions. What they need can't be found there.

Why have I said all this about our search for validation and the answer to our question? Because we cannot hear the real answer until we see we've got a false one. So long as we chase the illusion, how can we face reality? The hunger is there; it lives in our souls like a famished craving, no matter what we've tried to fill it with. If you take your question to Eve, it will break your heart. I know this now, after many, many hard years. You can't get your answer there. In fact, you can't get your answer from any of the things men chase after to find their sense of self. There is only one source for the answer to your question. And so no matter where you've taken your question, you've got to take it back. You have to walk away. This is the beginning of your journey.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Romance

2007-11-05T09:58:00.000-08:00

from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

As women we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity. We long for romance. We are wired for it; it's what makes our hearts come alive. You know that. Somewhere, down deep inside, you know this. But what you might never have known is this

This doesn't need to wait for a man.

God longs to bring this into your life himself. He wants you to move beyond childlike "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." He wants to heal us through his love to become mature women who actually know him. He wants us to experience verses like, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" (Hos 2:14). And "You have stolen my heart, my sister my bride (Song 4:9). Our hearts are desperate for this. What would it be like to experince for yourself that the truest thing about his heart toward yours is not disappointment or disapproval but deep, fiery, passionate love? This is, after all, what a woman was made for....

For the root of all holiness is Romance.

Romance and Intimacy, Waiting for Reciprocity

2007-11-05T08:39:00.001-08:00

from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

quote:
As women we long to be loved in a certain way, a way unique to our femininity. We long for romance. We are wired for it; it's what makes our hearts come alive. You know that. Somewhere, down deep inside, you know this. But what you might never have known is this

This doesn't need to wait for a man.

God longs to bring this into your life himself. He wants you to move beyond childlike "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." He wants to heal us through his love to become mature women who actually know him. He wants us to experience verses like, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" (Hos 2:14). And "You have stolen my heart, my sister my bride (Song 4:9). Our hearts are desperate for this. What would it be like to experience for yourself that the truest thing about his heart toward yours is not disappointment or disapproval but deep, fiery, passionate love? This is, after all, what a woman was made for....

For the root of all holiness is Romance.

From Unbreakable Bonds by Meier (pg 74)

quote:

Waiting for reciprocity means spending countless hours, days, months, and years waiting for a distant and disconnected other to change and meet our unmet needs from childhood. We could be using all this time to learn how to and begin to meet our own needs and provide for ourselves- connecting with ourselves and friends who do love and accept us for the way we are. But instead, we waste our lives blaming and waiting for someone who is incapable of, or unwilling to, relate intimately. It is important that we teach ourselves to let them go. God said in Psalm 68 that he loves those of us who are lonely and desires to place us in new, healthier “families”

If you are already married to someone who is disconnected, you can let go of waiting for him or her to come and fill your needs. You do not have to divorce your partner to develop an intimate knowledge of yourself. Nor do you need your spouse’s permission to form an intimate relationship with God and friends. Of course, when a marriage is strained, it often results in a lack of physical intimacy. Though we were created to enjoy this kind of intimacy in our marriages, we will not die without it. ..

We can wait in bitterness and loneliness or let go of waiting and learn how to direct our own path to true meaning, purpose, and happiness...

"Captivating" Quotes

2007-11-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

This book was influential in my personal healing and recovery.
I facilitated a group of ladies from my church through a book study, and many were deeply touched.
I recommend having the companion journal together with the book (see the link)

Quotes from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

quote:

Intro:

Rest assured- this is not a book about all the things you are failing to do as a woman. We’re tired of those books. As a new Christian, the first book I (Stasi) picked up to read on godly femininity I threw across the room. I never picked it up again. In the twenty-five years since, I have only read a few I could wholeheartedly recommend. The rest drive me crazy. Their messages to women make me feel as through, “You are not the woman you ought to be- but if you do the following things, you can make the grade.” They are by and large, soul-killing. But femininity cannot be prescribed in a formula....

God has set within you a femininity that is powerful and tender, fierce and alluring. No doubt it has been misunderstood. Surely it has been assaulted. But it is there, your true heart, and it is worth recovering. You are captivating

So we invite you to take a journey with us, a journey of discovery and healing. For your heart is the prize of God's Kingdom, and Jesus has come to win you back for himself-all of you. We pray that God will use this book in your life, in your heart, to bring healing, restoration, joy, and life!”

quote:

Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God’s own heart...

...the story of Eve... We clearly haven’t learned its lessons- for if we had, men would treat women much much differently, and women would view themselves in a far better light...

Adam steps forth, the image of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo’s David. He is... magnificent. Truly the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something in missing... and that something is Eve...

She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one least flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master’s finishing touch... His piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill... (Ladies) Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, “The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.”

And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve... Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. ...Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance.

quote:

Back in Genesis when God sets his image bearers on the earth, he gives them their mission:
Gen 1:26-28.

Call it the Human Mission- to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice- the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. “And God said to them...” Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth- all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture- we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. Pg 31-32

quote:

pg 103-4

Melissa was the young girl who “vowed I would be tough; hard like a rock,” and became so for many years. But that is not the end of her story. She came to the place where Jesus asked to heal her wounded heart. She gave him permission to come in. This is what happened.

God went back and got the shaking little girl that was hiding under the bed and convinced her to come out. He unclenched her little fists and took her hand and placed it in his and answered her question. He held her and told her it was OK for her not to be tough. He would protect her. She didn’t have to be strong. He told her she wasn’t a rock but a child. His child. He didn’t condemn her for anything but instead understood her and loved her! He told her she was special... like no other and that she had special gifts like no other. She knew His voice and trusted him. She could hear the pleasure He had for her in His voice and felt His delight in her as He talked. He was so gentle and loving she couldn’t help but melt in His arms.

This is available. This is the offer of our Savior- to heal our broken hearts. To come to the young places within us and find us there, take us in his arms, bring us home. The time has come to let Jesus heal you.

Jesus come to me and heal my heart. Come to the shattered place within me. Come for the little girl that was wounded, Come and hold me in your arms and heal me. Do for me what you promised to do- heal my broken heart and set me free.

quote:
clips from pages 82-85
The story of the treatment of women down through the ages is not a noble history. It has noble moments, to be sure, but taken as a whole, women have endured what seems to be a special hatred ever since we left Eden. ...

You might know that through the thousands of years of Jewish history recorded in the Old Testament, Jewish women were considered property with no legal rights (as they were and are in many cultures). They were not allowed to study the Law, nor to formally educate their children. They had a segregated place in the synagogue. It was common practice for a Jewish man to add to his morning prayers, “Thank you, God, for not making me a Gentile, a woman, or a slave.”

...
The assault on femininity- its long history, its utter viciousness- cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. That is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity.
...
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty... he hates Eve.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be.

Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver and a life giver. Eve means “life” or “life producer”...

Put those two things together- that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan’s bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this....

The message of our wounds nearly always is, “This is because of you. This is what you deserve.” It changes things to realize that, no, it is because you are glorious that these things happened. It is because you are a major threat to the kingdom of darkness. Because you uniquely carry the glory of God to the world.
You are hated because of your beauty and power.

quote:
Pg 91
You really won’t understand your life as a woman until you understand this:

You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by his Enemy.

And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your feminine soul.

Leveraging Anger into Spiritual Growth

2007-11-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

from Make Anger Your Ally :

THINK (at the first sign of anger, and derail the usual "reaction")
WHY am I angry? (hurt, frustration, fear)
WHAT do I want from this encounter?
HOW can I use my anger to get as much of what I want from it as possible?

from Unbreakable Bonds

quote:
Anger too is not wrong in itself but an indicator that some part of us feels unprotected. In other words, when we begin to feel angry, we can listen to that anger and know that we are communicating to ourselves that we somehow feel vulnerable, violated, attacked, threatened, or neglected in some capacity. It is our psyche's natural way to wake us up, to motivate us to learn how to attend to ourselves, offer lasting protection, offer nurturing, and build up inner strength by putting outer boundaries in place...

Controlling anger doesn't do a lot to change the underlying situation or problem. It just pushes the anger down to come out in another form. We can learn, instead, how to listen to our anger and learn where our pain is, where we feel unprotected. Then we can choose to offer ourselves protection. Instead of working really hard to control our anger, it is important for us to apply that same effort and energy toward leaning how to listen to our anger and direct our responses. We distract ourselves from further self-knowledge when we explode...

When you become angry, practice communicating to yourself what you feel. Explore where you may feel unloved or unprotected. Recognize your initial response choice... Take the time to probe what prompts your response.... use the energy you have expended on being angry...to heal!

"I will make him an help meet for him"

2007-11-01T20:07:00.000-07:00

I dislike the historically demeaning interpretation of “help meet”. For example look at this description:

John Gill (1697-1771) Bible Commentary: I will made him an help meet for him; one to help him in all the affairs of life, not only for the propagation of his species , but to provide things useful and comfortable for him ; to dress his food , and take care of the affairs of the family ; one "like himself" {c}, in nature, temper, and disposition, in form and shape; or one "as before him" {d}, that would be pleasing to his sight, and with whom he might delightfully converse, and be in all respects agreeable to him , and entirely answerable to his case and circumstances, his wants and wishes.

She sounds very much like a "household appliance".
Slightly more useful than a plain doormat.

Here is a description which really ministered to me. I found it very edifying and empowering in a way which is constructive to both myself, my husband, and our marriage:

From Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

Gen 1:26-28 God gave both male and female dominion: they are the King and the Queen
I do see them given different roles

Gen 2:15¶ And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.

Clicking on the word "keep" will take one to the Strong's definition of the Hebrew Word "shamar" (which is not just gardening). It is to protect, guard, watchman, preserve, etc which implies there is an enemy, a danger and Adam is responsible to guard and protect.

Eve's intended (by GOD) role is stated here:
Gen 2:18 And the LORD God said, [It is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

By clicking on the word "help meet" one can see that it carries the meaning of aid, succour, one who helps. But please notice the other occurances of the Word by scrolling down the page at that link. The same word translated "help meet" of women is used of God.

So the husband has the authority to protect, nurture, nourish, cherish, love, understand, value, esteem, and respect his wife (see also Eph 5 and 1Peter 3 instructions for husbands). And the wife has the authority to help, nourish, love, humbly support Christlikeness (aka submit to), and reverence her husband (see also Eph 5 and 1Peter 3 instructions for wives)

"Who Are We?" from Henri Nouwen

2007-11-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

WHO ARE WE?

Henri J.M. Nouwen
Exploring our Christian Identity
(excerpt from the taped message)

You are:
a. A child of God
b. the one who I call my child (son/daughter)
c. I hold you in the palm of my hand
d. I have engraved you on the palms of my hand
e. I have fashioned you in the depths of the earth
f. I have molded you together in your mother’s womb
g. You belong to me/I belong to you
h. You and I are united in love from all eternity
i. Before your mother, father, brothers, sisters, teacher, your school touched you
I loved you
I called you
I held you safe
I saw you
I embraced you
j. You are my child, my daughter. You belong to me.
We need to hear this voice and keep hearing Him say, You are mine.
The Spiritual Life is a life in which you more and more and more hear

that voice,

in which you come gradually in touch with the mysterious truth:
That you were loved
that you were cared for
and looked at with immense affection,

long before you entered into this little world, into clock time
I have called you from all eternity
I have loved you from all eternity
You belong to me
I am your lover
I love you not because you did good things
I love you not because you have a lot of things
I love you not because people speak well of you

or you have so many talents

I love you because I love you
because I love you
Because I love you.
As my child, who belongs to me, I am sending you into the world
where people will laugh at you
where people will praise you
Where people will reject you
Where people will accept you
Where people will speak well of you
Where people will speak bad of you.
Whatever happens in the world, you do NOT belong to that world
You belong to Me, long long before you could even think, speak, talk, or love, yourself
You belong to God from all eternity and you are sent into the world for a little moment

and called back

to be,

for all eternity,

in that great embrace of love.

"Sacred Companions": Quotes

2007-11-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

quotes from Sacred Companions by David Benner

quote:
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Embarking on the journey of Christian spiritual transformation is enrolling in the divine school of love. Our primary assignment in this school is not so much study and practice as letting ourselves be deeply loved by our Lord.
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quote:
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If we are to become great lovers, we must return again and again to the love of the Great Lover. Thomas Merton reminds us that the root of Christian love is not the will to love but the faith to believe that one is deeply loved by God.
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quote:
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Holiness is becoming like GOD with whom we live in intimate relationship. It is acquiring His Spirit and allowing spirit to be transformed by Spirit.
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quote:
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The unique self I am called to be is never a self I simply dream up and decide I'd like to be...
the self that I actually am in Christ... my eternal self... the self I am intended to be... is the ONLY self that will allow me to be truly whole and holy
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quote:
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What then should be crucified?
...my ways of living apart from God's will
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quote:
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sin is ultimately a refusal to believe that what GOD wants is my happiness and fulfillment... I am tempted to sin-to take my life into my own hands...
As I become convinced that God wants nothing more than my fulfillment, surrender to His will is increasingly possible.
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quote:
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Christian spirituality is about becoming all we were meant to be...
becoming great lovers who are
whole and holy because we have begun to
discover our true self-in-Christ
becoming truly and fully human
and truly and fully ourselves
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quote:
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our sinful and false ways of being are what we are to crucify...

Jesus knew who HE was before GOD and in GOD. HE could therefore resist temptations to live HIS life out of a false center based on
possessions,
actions,
or the esteem of others

Merton suggests that at the core of our false ways of being there is always a sinful refusal to surrender to God's will.
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quote:
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Henri Nouwen describes the nurture of inner stillness as the cultivation of solitude of the heart. Such solitude is not a state of relaxation. Nor is it simply a matter of being alone. Solitude of heart comes from attentiveness to the presence of God. It is the prayer of spirit to Spirit, a prayer of attunement, not necessarily of words. It is a response of surrender to the Spirit of Jesus who offers us rest for our souls.
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quote:
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Soul hospitality is also a gift of safety. Think of feeling safe enough with another person that without weighing words or measuring thoughts you are able to pour yourself out, trusting that the other person will keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away....

Soul friendship is the gift of a place where anything can be said without fear of criticism or ridicule. It is a place where masks and pretensions can be set aside. It is a place where it is safe to share deepest secrets, darkest fears, most acute sources of shame, most disturbing questions or anxieties. It is a place of grace- a place where others are accepted as they are for the sake of who they may become.
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quote:
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In dialogue I attempt to share how I experience the world and seek to understand how you do so. In this process each participant touches and is touched by others… In dialogue I meet you as a person, not an object. Objectification of people is the heritage of the professionalization of helping relationships. It is also the great enemy of distinctly Christian soul care. When we treat others as objects, even for benevolent reasons, we rob them of their humanity…
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quote:
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The precondition of dialogue is respect. Nothing helps me do that more than seeing the other person through the eyes of Christ… through the eyes of Christ, I see their worth and dignity. I also see what they can become, not simply what they are....
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quote:
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Respect is the foundation of dialogue, and Christians have a unique resource for offering it: eyes of faith that allow us to see those we encounter as deeply loved by God and bearing HIS image….
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quote:
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Dialogue involves the risk of revealing what is most precious to me. If I remain in a safe zone of opinions, facts, and information, I have not exposed my deepest self. Nor have I ventured to the place of deep encounter with others that is called dialogue… What I do or say is not ultimately all that important. The most important thing I can do is to help the other person be in contact with the gracious presence of Christ. If I bring anything of value to the meeting it is that I mediate divine grace.
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quote:
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At their best, Christian friends help each other discern God’s presence, recognize it as a presence of grace, come to trust that grace and surrender to it more freely.
Sacred friends mediate God’s grace and help others recognize and respond to it. Put another way, they help each other discuss and embrace God’s will.
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quote:
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But God’s will is never that we simply comply with His desires. God’s will is that we surrender to His love
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quote:
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If we are to
become GREAT LOVERS
we must return again and again
to the GREAT LOVE
of the GREAT LOVER.
Thomas Merton reminds us that
the root of Christian love
is NOT the WILL to love
but the FAITH TO BELIEVE
one is
deeply loved by GOD
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God's unconventional approach to problems

2007-10-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Here is a clip from Drawing Close by Graham Cooke :

The Holy Spirit wants to do two things with us: First, He intends to get us to a place where we trust God for everything and with everything; and second, He seeks to bring us to a place where He can trust us. The Father will always trust what He sees manifested of the Son in our lives.... the inhabitation of Jesus. It's a pleasure to trust God, knowing that His great love will catch us, even if we fall off the edge of a cliff. This great God will send us into battle against impossible odds with a seemingly ludicrous battle plan March around the enemy for seven days and then shout, He'll say, winking at you the whole time. "Go your way; behold, I send you out as lambs among wolves," He says (Luke 10:3). Fortunately, you're a lamb with a Lion as friend.

"Sex God" by Rob Bell

2007-10-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Clips from Sex God by Rob Bell

quote:
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And when we begin to sort through all of the issues surrounding our sexuality, we quickly end up in the spiritual,

because this

is always about that...

Sex. God. They’re connected. And they can’t be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the “this” and spirituality is the “that”. To make sense of the one, we have to explore the other.

And that is what this book is about.

[italics in original]

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quote:
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Sex, God.

“We reflect what God is like and who God is.
A divine spark resides in every single human being.
Everybody.
Everywhere.
Bearers of the divine image…

…deciding who’s hot and who’s not.
It’s an industry, a form of entertainment, a culture…
The problem is that “that” is actually a “she”.
A person.
A woman.
With a name, a history, with feelings.
It seems harmless until you’re that girl- and then it hurts.
It’s degrading.
It’s violating.
It does something to a person’s soul.

Jesus had much to say about what happens when a woman, an image bearer, a carrier of the divine spark, becomes a “that” [Matt 5:27-30]
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quote:
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Scholars believe that the word sex is related to the Latin word secare, which means “to sever, to amputate, or disconnect from the whole.” This is where we get words like sect, section, dissect, bisect.

Our sexuality, then, has two dimensions. First, out sexuality is our awareness of how profoundly we’re severed and cut off and disconnected. Second, our sexuality is all of the ways we go about trying to reconnect....

For many, sexuality is simply what happens between two people involving physical pleasure. But that’s only a small percentage of what sexuality is. Our sexuality is all the ways we strive to reconnect with out world , with each other, and with God....

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quote:
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...the Red Light District in Amsterdam is so sexually repressed...
There are lots of people “having sex” night and day, but that’s all it is. There’s no connection...

And so in the Red Light District there’s lots of physical interaction and no connection. There are lots of people having lots of physical sex- for some its their job- and yet it’s not a very sexual place at all...

When its just sex, then that’s all it is. It leaves the person deeply unconnected.

You can be having sex with many, and yet you’re alone. And the more sex you have, the more alone you are.

And it’s possible to be sleeping alone, and celibate, and to be very sexual. Connected with many.

It’s also possible to be married to somebody and sharing the same bed and be very disconnected. It’s possible to be married to somebody and sharing the same bed and even having sex regularly and still be profoundly disconnected....

And so they’re sleeping together, but they’re really sleeping alone.
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quote:
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If marriage is meant to show people what the oneness of God is like, what happens when everybody is one in the presence of God?

If marriage is a picture of something else, what would happen to marriage if we found ourselves living in the midst of that something else?

Is sex in its greatest, purest, most joyful and honest expression a glimpse of forever?

Are these brief moments of abandon and oneness and ecstasy just a couple of seconds or minutes of how things will be forever?

Is sex a picture of heaven?...

Maybe Jesus knew what was coming and knew that whatever we experience here will pale compared with what awaits everyone.

Do you long for that?

Because that's the center of Jesus' message.

An invitation.

To trust that it's true,

to trust that it's real,

to trust that God is actually going to make all things new.
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Who I am in Christ

2007-10-26T20:33:00.000-07:00

(from "He Restoreth My Soul" by Donna Fiorini)

1. I am able. (Phil. 4: 13)
2. I am abounding in grace. (II Cor. 9:8)
3. I am above and not beneath. (Deut. 28: 13)
4. I am accepted. (Eph. 1 :6)
5. I am an ambassador for Christ. (II Cor. 5:20)
6. I am anointed. (1 John 2:20)
7. I am anxious for nothing. (Phil. 4:6)
8. I am the apple of His eye. (Zech. 2:8)
9. I have authority over the devil. (Luke 9: 1)
10. I am beautiful. (Psalm 149:4)
11. I am becoming a mature person. (Eph. 4: 13)
12. I am becoming conformed to Christ. (Rom. 8:29)
13. I am a believer. (Rom.lO:9)
14. I belong to God. (John 17:9)
15. I am blessed. (Eph.l :3)
16. I am blood bought. (I Cor. 6: 19,20)
17. I am bold. (Prov. 28: 1)
18. I am a branch of the True Vine. (John 15:5)
19. I am called. (T Peter 5: 1 0)
20. I am cared for. (I Peter 5: 7)
21. I am a child of God. (John I: 12)
22. I am cherished. (Eph. 5:29)
23. I am chosen. (l Peter 2:9)
24. I am a co-heir with Christ. (Rom. 8: 17)
25. I am comforted. (Jer. 31: 13)
26. I am confident. (I John 4: 17) ,
27. I am confident of answers to prayer. (I John 5: 14, 15)]
28. I am confident He will never leave me. (Heb. 13:5,6)
29. I am a conqueror. (Rom. 8:37) ,
30. I am courageous. (l Chron. 28:20)
31. I am created in His image. (Gen. 1 :27)
32. I am crucified with Him. (Gal. 2:20)
33. I am dead to sin. (Rom. 6: 11)
34. I am a delight. (Psalm 147: 1)
35. I am delivered. (Psalm 107:6)
36. I am determined. (Phil. 4: 13)
37. I am disciplined. (Heb. 12:5-11)
38. I am empowered to obey. (Phil. 2: 13)
39. I am enlightened. (Eph. I: 18)
40. I am faithful. (Rev. 17: 14)
41. I am far from oppression. (Isaiah 54: 14)
42. I am favored. (Job 10: 12)
43. I am filled with the fruit of the Spirit. (Gal. 5:22,23) .
44. I am filled with the knowledge of His will. (Co 1. 1 :9)
45. I am filled with joy. (John 17: 13)
46. I am a finished product in progress. (Phil. 1:6)
47. I am fighting the good fight of faith. (I Tim. 6: 12)
48. I am forgiven. (Eph. 1 :7)
49. I am free. (John 8:36)
50. I am gifted; (Rom. 12:6)
51. I am God's child. (John 1: 1
52. I am granted grace in Christ Jesus. (Rom. 5:17,20)
53. I am guarded by God's peace. (Phil. 4:7)
54. I am the head, not the tail. (Deut. 28: 13)
55. I am healthy. (Deut. 7: 15 )
56. I am holy. (Eph. 1 :4)
57. I am humble. (Phil. 2:24)
58. I am the image of God. (Gen. 1 :27)
59. I am an imitator of God. (Eph. 5: 1)
60. I am indwelt by His Spirit. (Rom. 8: 11)
61. I am inseparable from His love. (Rom. 8:35)
62. I am joyful. (Phil. 4:4)
63. I lack no wisdom. (James 1 :5)
64. I am a light in a dark place. (Acts 13:47)
65. I am loved. (John 3: 16)
66. I am loyal. (Psalm 86:2)
67. I am mighty in God. (Luke 10: 19)
68. I have the mind of Christ. (I Cor. 2: 16)
69. I am a minister of reconciliation. (II Cor. 5: 18,19)
70. I am a mountain mover. (Mark 11 :22,23)
71. I am prosperous. (Psalm 1 :3)
72. I am protected. (Psalm 91: 14)
73. I am provided for. (Matt. 6:33)
74. I am reconciled to God. (Rom. 5: 10)
75. I am redeemed. (Gal. 3:13)
76. I am His representative. (Matt. 5: 16)
77. I am rich. (I Cor. 8:9)
78. I am righteous. (Eph. 4:22)
79. I am rooted and built up in Him. (Coi. 2:7)
80. I am safe. (Psalm 4:8)
81. I am satisfied. (leI'. 31: 14)
82. I am secure. (Deut. 33: 12)
83. I am sheltered. (Psalm 91: 1)
84. I am stable. (Isaiah 33:6)
85. I am standing in His grace. (Rom. 5:2)
86. I am standing firm in Christ. (II Cor. 1 :21)
87. I am strong in the Lord. (1 Cor. 1 :8)
88. I am transformed. (II Cor. 3: 18)
89. I am triumphant. (II Cor. 2: 14)
90. I am unafraid. (Is. 44:2; 51:12)
91. I have understanding. (II Tim. 2:7)
92. I am valuable. (Luke 12:24)
93. I am living in victory. (I Cor. 15:57)
94. I am a warrior. (II Cor. 10:4)
95. I am in a wealthy place. (Psalm 66: 12)
96. I am being made whole. (Mark 5:34)
97. I am wise. (Prov. 2:6)
98. I am His worshipper. (Psalm 95:6)
99. I am worthy. (Rev. 3:4)
100. I am yielded to God. (Rom. 6:13)

Self Evaluation

2007-10-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

From Serenity A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery Complete with New Testament Psalms & Proverbs :

"Step 10 encourages the taking of a personal inventory, which, for recovering persons, should be a daily process. Here are five components of this ongoing inventory:

1) What are our needs? These include basic needs, such as the need for love, acceptance, and security. Do we recognize these needs? Are they being met in some reasonable fashion?

2) What are out feelings? Especially we need to allow grief feelings to surface and be expressed. We also need to watch out for deep feelings of resentment, because resentment covers anger, anger covers hurt, hurt usually covers fear, and again, the deepest fear is that our basic human needs are not being met. In relationships we fear being rejected or abandoned.

3)What counterfeit, codependent, addictive means are we using in trying to meet out needs? Are we manipulating others? Are we overcontrolling others? Are we being perfectionistic or compulsive with ourselves or others? Are we attempting to win acceptance by playing the martyr or the victim role in relationships? Are we compulsively rescuing or enabling others? All of these are trigger questions to help us assess whether we are using bogus means to meet our needs.

4)What is our relationship with out own boundaries and with the boundaries of others? It is very important to know we can set appropriate interpersonal boundaries that are neither too rigid nor too fragile. Can we keep people out as we need to? Can we allow people in as we need to? Are we capable of saying yes to other persons and are we capable of saying no as necessary? Also, do we respect the boundaries of others? Do we hear and honor the yeses and noes they give us regarding their boundaries?

5) If we are aware of violating our own boundaries or the boundaries of others, are we able to reestablish new, proper boundaries? Are we able to make amends to those who have been harmed by our violation of their boundaries?

6) Do we admit our wrongs promptly? Unless we admit them promptly, we will store these wrongs which can be rationalized into "wrongs against us." They may then become resentments which sabotage our recovery."

what do I really gain by continually confessing my spouse's sins ?

2007-10-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

from Steven Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People":

quote:

If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife's sins ? By saying I am not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a negative situation. I also diminish my ability ro influence her- my nagging, accusing, critical attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies.

If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have control- myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses . I can focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and support. Hopefully, my wife will feel the power of the proactive example and respond in kind. But whether she does or doesn't, the most positive way I can influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being.
Pg 89-90

Be a light, not a judge. Be a model, not a critic. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem... Don't argue for other people's weaknesses. Don't argue for your own. When you make a mistake, admit it, correct it, and learn from it- immediately. Don't get into a blaming, accusing mode. Work on things you have control over. Work on you. On be.

Look at the weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation. It's not what they're not doing or should be doing that's the issue. The issue is your own chosen response to the situation and what you should be doing. If you start to think the problem is "out there," stop yourself. That thought is the problem. People who exercise their embryonic freedom day after day will, little by little, expand that freedom.

"But how do you love when you don't love?" "My friend, love is a verb. Love-the feeling- is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

Proactive people make love a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifice you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world. If you want to study love, study those who sacrifice for others, even for people who offend or do not love in return. If you are a parent, look at the love you have for the children you sacrificed for. Love is a value that is actualized through loving actions. Proactive people subordinate feelings to values. Love, the feeling, can be recaptured. Pg 80

I know this idea is a dramatic paradigm shift for many people. It is so much easier to blame other people, conditioning, or conditions for our own stagnant situation. But we are responsible- "response-able"- to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances by working on be, on what we are.

Sowing and Reaping: Good and Bad Ways of Judging

2007-05-29T19:11:00.000-07:00

from Healing Victims of Sexual Abuse by Paula Sandford:

Many scripture references assure us that we will in no way lose our reward for the love and blessings that we sow (Matt 10:41,42; Mark 9:41; Eph 6:8; I Cor. 3:8; I Cor 3:14; Col 3:24; 2 Cor 9:6) . God’s laws were established before sin entered the picture. When man chose to sin, the same laws which had been created for mankind’s blessing continued to operate for negative reaping.

It is not that we are forbidden to judge. Necessarily we make judgments prior to every decision. Here are three examples of good and bad ways of judging:
1. Smoking is damaging to my health- I will ask for a table in the far corner of the non-smoking section.
2. Mrs T repeats everything she hears- I will confess my faults to someone else who has learned to respect and keep confidences.
3. My husband is tired and cross today- I will give him time to rest and get refreshed before I talk to him about Billy’s D in math.

These judgments are quite different from:
1. “What’s the matter with those self-centered inconsiderate so and sos who stink up the whole atmosphere with their stupid pollution?!”
2. “Mrs T’s tongue wags at both ends and in the middle. I wouldn’t tell her the time of day!”
3. “You’d think that a kid’s father would take some interest! All he ever does is come home and flop in front of the boob tube! He’s never here when I need him!”

Making those latter judgments is and almost sure guarantee that Mrs T Motormouth will capture you in the coffee shop after and exhausting day of shopping, and the only available seating will be in the smoking section. Two hours later, when you stagger home debilitated by the gossip and the stench of second-hand smoke, your husband will greet you with, “Where have you been? You look terrible! And why is it you never have dinner ready on time?”

Often we fail to see the relationship between our sowing and reaping...

from "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender

2007-05-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

Quote From The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dan Allender

quote:

The abuser-surrogate is usually the person who offers the abuse victim the most intimate relationship in principle or actuality. It will be the relationship where all the past damage and self-protection is intensely played out. It seems that a spouse is most often the abuser-surrogate. In the marriage relationship intimacy, trust, and sexuality are set against the issues of powerlessness, betrayal, and ambivalence. As stated before, the abuse victim usually will have chosen a relationship with a man who is dead to intimacy, untrustworthy, divorced from passion or a user of passion. The marriage of an abuse victim is usually dull and stable or painful and chaotic. It is not unusual for a marriage to swing between the two ends like a ride on a roller coaster... Some women are married to hard, angry, cold, but somewhat open men. Others are enmeshed with extremely closed and self-centered men, or worse with men who are evil, cold-hearted, and potentially violent.... If a husband will not pursue counseling with his wife, the woman can still benefit from a counselor who will help her explore what it means to love a man who will not involve himself in the process of change.

What are the basics of loving the abuser-surrogate? The process includes building consistent boundaries, deepening intimacy, leaning to sorrow and rejoice, and persevering in faith toward God’s redemption of one’s spouse as a person clothed in dignity and strength...

If the relationship deepens through honesty, travail, and repentance, it is unlikely the spouse will be used as a surrogate. However, when new boundaries and pursuit of depth in relationship result in irreconciled division, the victim will find it even more of a battle to boldly love her spouse who, in turning against her has become a capital-A abuser.

STOP accusing the brethren!

2007-05-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

quoted from Communion With God by Mark & Patti Virkler

quote:
(pg 106-107)

I found that I generally forfeited the principles of mercy and faithfulness when dealing with others. I was harsh and severe in my judgment of them, and rather than being faithful and loyal to them, I came against them, more as the accuser of the brethren. Therefore, I assumed a satanic stance, rather than a Holy Spirit stance, that is, I tended to “come against” rather than “coming alongside”...

...it finally dawned on me that the accuser’s stance is satan’s stance (the word “devil” literally means “accuser”) and the comforter’s stance is the Holy Spirit’s stance. Since this revelation, I have made a commitment never to take an accuser’s stance against anyone. No longer will I be the expression of satan. If someone is struggling, hurt, down, or in error, I have one, and only one posture. That is, to come alongside him and comfort him, to be faithful to him, and thus preserve the dignity of all men and the unity of the Body of Christ.

Profile of an abuser

2007-05-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Profile of an abuser.

quote:

His instability manifests in some or all of the following ways:... When criticisms, or even suggestions or help are offered, he can perceive these only as personal attacks or threats to his private citadel. Because of all this, typically he has been released from a number of jobs over the years, but has never been able to accept responsibility of his fault in the matter.

He is angry at root level because it seems to him that his father always criticized, rather than complimenting and affirming him, he will feel rage at his boss's corrections, but self-defensively stifle his stormy response until at home he can "thunder and lightning" all over his family. If confronted about this behavior, he projects guilt onto everyone else and withdraws...

He NEEDED to set her [his wife] up to attack him in order to maintian his right to hide in the fortress he had built from childhood to insure protection from the destructive onslaught of "mother"....And then he would relate, sometimes with tears, his poor-abused-husband tale of woe...

He fears intimacy because to him it means a loss of control, and vulnerability to the destructive imperfections of others. He chooses the the familiar agony of loneliness rather than risking the unpredictable kinds and measures of pain he is certain lurk "poised to get him" from the world beyond his defenses

He avoids efforts necessary for real growth, and thus remains immature... He may be keenly aware of his own inadequacies, but cannot seek any kind of counsel, for fear of discovery... He doesn't know that he is loved just as he is, that sins are forgivable, and that most people learn more by their mistakes than by successes...

from link

...a man raped her

2007-05-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

From Prayers that Heal the Heart . By Mark and Patti Virkler

quote:

Let us say a woman has a negative picture of men in her mind because a man raped her. She may know that she is supposed to forgive everything against everyone (Mark 11:25) and that she is not supposed to let the sun go down on her wrath (Eph 4:26). So she may say a thousand times, “I forgive him.” But if she still maintains a picture in her mind of the man raping her, then that picture will create more energy within than her confession of forgiveness, and she will find that in her heart she still hates the man (if not all men).

... in this scenario the woman not only has a negative picture she must get rid of, but she most likely also has a negative expectation and inner vow which must be renounced and removed. The negative expectation is probably something like, “All men are pigs.” The inner vow may be, “I will never trust a man again.” So now we have three things producing sin energies within the woman. In addition, she is determining her future fate because her spirit is sending out a strong message of expectation to every man who can hear, saying, “I expect you to treat me badly, and I don’t trust you.” The man’s spirit hears the two messages which are saying to him, “I am supposed to act like an unfeeling animal around her. I am not to be trusted when in her presence.” Therefore, she will be drawing more molestation and abuse toward herself.