What Happens When Your Wife's Spirit Closes?

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley


Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife's spirit by:

-speaking harsh words
-telling her that her opinions don't matter
-being unwilling to admit when you are wrong
-taking her for granted
-making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense
-not trusting her
-forcing her to do something that she's uncomfortable with
-being rude to her in front of others
-dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you've done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives's spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don't realize they've offended their wives. And one day the husband comes home to find his wife's spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like the sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him. Its fairly easy to recognize a closed spirit once you know what to look for. The most common signs of a closed spirit are listed here:

-she often has an argumentative attitude
-her facial expressions reflect anger or avoidance
-she is very resistant to discussing or agreeing on almost anything
-her hand is often cold and unresponsive when you touch it
-you sense she is avoiding you
-she often turns her back away from you
-she does not respect your advice
-she can become very critical of you
-she has few or no romantic or warm feeling toward you
-she walks out the door or files for legal separation or diovrce

Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you- who may find yourself with a closed sow bug instead of an an open wife- feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit....

You must make the decision and commitment to do whatever is necessary to relieve your wife's anger. For years now, I have practiced the following four attitudes to make sure that anger is drained out of our home on a daily basis.

"Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

Then use the list to occasionally review whether you are doing any of these destructive things again.

-Turning on the TV or computer while tuning out your wife
-Being sarcastic with her
-Ignoring or degrading her advice or opinions
-Criticizing her family and friends
-Overcommitting yourself to outside interests
-Talking to her or treating her as though she were a child.
-Living a double standard (doing things you don't allow her to do)
-Using profanity or name calling
-Letting things go around the house: ignoring her honey do list
-Letting your eyes wander to other women
-Criticizing the way she does things (housecleaning, child rearing, etc)
-Giving looks of disgust
-Raising your voice in anger
-Showing more attention to other people than to her
-Giving your wife the silent treatment
-Correcting her or being rude to her in public
-Pressuring her
-Lecturing her
-Ignoring her
-Honking the horn at her
-Breaking promises
-Making comments about women on TV or in magazines that make her feel inferior
-Holding resentment about something she did
-Coercing her into an argument
-Not trusting her
-Being unsympathetic when she is tired, ill, upset, or frustrated
-Not telling her that you love her
-Not attending church as a family
-Demanding that she be involved with you sexually when you are not in harmony
-Not being involved with household chores and care of children
-Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weak
-Being unwilling to admit when you're wrong
-Reading or watching pornography
-Being stingy with money
-Not eating meals with her
-Complaining while doing something with her (having a bad attitude the whole time)
-Forgetting and/or not celebrating special occasions (her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's Day)
-Minimizing her efforts
-Not encouraging and supporting her interests
-Being impolite
-Wanting to do things that embarrass her sexually
-Disregarding her requests to read a certain book, listen to a tape, watch a video, or hear a speaker
-Continuing distasteful or harmful habits
-Taking her for granted
-Being preoccupied with your own agenda
-Monopolizing the TV remote control
-Blaming her for everything
-Being impatient with her: hurrying her to get ready, to finish shopping, or to get to the point
-Becoming absorbed in self-interests to the exclusion of her and/or the kids
-Kidding or making unkind comments about her body or age (about how she used to look or about how much she used to weigh)
-Questioning her spending
-Not consulting or honoring her in decisions to spend/invest money
-Telling her what to do
-Taking no time to prepare her for sexual intimacy
-Being unwilling to join her in the things she enjoys
-Not fully appreciating the mundane and exhaustive chores a wife and mother does (picking up clothes and toys all day, washing, ironing, vacuuming, doing dishes, sweeping, straightening, folding, running errands, making calls)
-always showing indifference instead of showing initiative and making plans
-Joking about her monthly mood swings
-Having an unkempt or unclean appearance
-Giving no thought to gifts for her
-Physically abusing her (from shoving to beating)

"Love and Respect"

Ephesians 5 love and respect in marriage.
from "Livin it and Lovin it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

Quote:
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Ephesians 5:25-33

What is astounding about this passage is that Paul says so much to husbands and so little to wives. There are 183 words in the passage. Only ten small words at the end of the passage apply to wives, seemingly as an afterthought! What most people “get” from this passage are the ten words! The 173 words simply fade into the background of their minds...


What is really astounding and would make a great study in human nature is the amazing ability of men and women to give this one little phrase about respect the same billing! Ten words get equal billing to or even overshadow the preceding 173!
...

Some authors and commentators take this approach to Ephesians 5:25-33....


There have been large amounts of material written on the need for a wife to “respect” her husband. It has been said that a man’s greatest need is to be respected and a wife’s greatest need is to be loved. They point out that a wife is not told to love her husband in this passage but only to respect him.

What happens when a wife is pressured to respect her husband in the “real world” regardless of whether he first fulfills his responsibility to love? Many husbands do not take their responsibility seriously. They do not listen to their wife’s heart, they don’t spend time with them; they belittle or ignore their concerns. The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect.

Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love.


We do not believe that Paul meant for wives to respect their husbands regardless of their actions. We believe that this was Paul’s consolation to husbands who take seriously his admonition to agape love their wives.

Our message to wives is this: You do not have to offer undeserved respect to your husband. God does not require this of you. God has called your husband to agape love you. Four times in this one passage the message is repeated. Only after your husband is filling your cup with agape love are you asked to respond with a responsive, loving respect. Don’t worry wives; it is very easy to respect a man who is laying his life down for you!

God's will for Christian Wives- (OYE! What a DESPOT!)

quoted from "Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

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Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry,
bear children, manage the house, give no
opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
1 Timothy 5:14

The word translated here as “manage” the house, means to be the head of a family! The Greek word is "oikodespoteo" (3616 in Strong’s) which means, “to be the head of” or in other words “to rule” a family.

Now it is getting hot in here.

The King James Version interprets this as to “guide the house”. That was a safe translation.

I can imagine that if the translators had translated the word literally that women are to be the head of a family or rule the family there would have been problems. They might have heard the much feared words from the king, “Off with his head!”

The word we just looked at, “oikodespoteo,” is taken from the word “oikodespotes,” which means exactly the same thing: to be the head of a family. King James translates this in other verses as “goodman of the house”, “householder” and “master of the house.”

For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that
is an householder, which went out early in the
morning to hire laborers into his vineyard.
Matthew 20:1

The word translated “householder” in Matthew 20:1 is the same word used to describe a wife’s leadership in the home. This person was in charge! He hired the laborers. This is a parable describing leadership in the same way that a wife is authorized to be the head of the house.

So that servant came, and shewed his lord these things. Then
the master of the house being angry said to his servant,
Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and
bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind.
Luke 14:21

Here the word is translated “master of the house”. This is what the wife is supposed to be! The master of the house! How can this be? How can God tell both the husband and wife to be the head of the house together?

HE IS GOD! God planned it this way! God’s plan for leadership in your home is one of team leadership and mutual submission. Another word to describe mutual submission would be mutual “adaptation”.

What are we after? We are after teamwork and mutual respect when it comes to leading the family unit. That is what the Bible teaches; husbands and wives working together, leading their home as a team. The two become ONE!

You can do this. I know it is a new paradigm. Just remember that the goal is to grow up.

Adults do not always demand their way. Toddlers do. You really do not want to stay at the emotional age of a toddler.

Emphasizing that you are the head of the house and demanding that your wife submit to and obey you only does one thing. It leaves you as a forty- or fifty-year old toddler who throws temper tantrums when things do not go his way.

Quit living like this. You are better than that.

The only way for you to become the man that God has called you to be is to become the husband your wife needs you to be.

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Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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A common Christian notion emphasizes the need for a woman to always have a quiet spirit before she approaches her husband. She can come to him only if she conveys a positive, uplifting manner. A man who buys this philosophy usually rationalizes, “If my wife would just approach me in a nicer way, I would have a Christlike response. If she would stop being so offensive toward me, everything would be fine.”

Imagine if you would, a desperate woman approaching her husband with a soft, uplifting appeal. Keep in mind that his wife is to portray a pleasant look and a soft-spoken gentleness in her approach. She says, “Sweetheart, there’s something I regretfully submit to you because I’m sure it conveys a terrible spirit of ungratefulness in me for all you’ve done, but being crushed, my spirit is dying within me (Continued gentle smile, speaking softly.) I don’t know how a person could be so emotionally violated in a relationship. (Still examining herself for respectfulness in her attitude.) Although I know it is my problem, the hate I have for you is overwhelming. And because our relationship is deteriorating daily, the love I had for you when we were married has died. (Still maintaining a relaxed body posture and casual tone of voice.)”

If your wife said that to you, how believable would that be? Those words, spoken in that manner, would be totally incredible....

I’m not saying that hostility or bitterness is acceptable...

As a man, tell me you’ve never been mad at God. Tell me that when you are angry and reactionary, you don’t speak in negative terms to Him or anyone else. And when you were angry with God, did He reject you, or did He , in full understanding of your distraught condition, minister unconditional love and patience to you? Pg 75

Let me remind you that a wife is not oblivious to the fact that her hostile, angry, irrational responses are not godly. She feels guilty becasue she believes she is not responding to the grace of God, which she understands is sufficient for her.... You see, her knowing that her responses are wrong is also part of what is eating at her. It is heaping inner guilt on her and making her spirit even heavier.

Yet what is your purpose: to focus on her shame or to care for your wife’s spirit? Do you think you will minister to her if you merely get an admission from her that her responses are wrong?...

Isn’t your goal to build your marriage relationship so that its central focus is Christlikeness- letting your wife know that no matter what, she can trust you to respond with a Christlike attitude toward her?...

I’d like to emphasize the need to get past the tendency to point the finger of blame at what we perceive is “wrong” and move on the more beneficial territory of ministering to the need represented by the “wrong”

Imagine a friend coming into your house bleeding from a stab wound and getting blood on your favorite carpet. Would you scold your friend for getting blood on the carpet? Would you justify the scolding as necessary because “after all a carpet was not really made to be bled upon, was it?”

Wouldn’t it be more cruel if the one who did the stabbing (even accidentally) was also the one doing the scolding?...

My job is to help husbands see how they are stabbing the spirits of their wives. You see, if husbands stopped stabbing the spirits of their wives, they would no longer have to scold them because their emotions are bleeding all over their marriages... 139-40

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"The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is..." by Ken Nair

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:The biblical teaching that the wife is part of God's accountability structure to help us become Christlike is astonishingly threatening to men everywhere, especially to men in spiritual leadership roles...

The role of boss really means that the husband can disregard his wife's needs while abundantly taking care of his own...

I am constantly astonished thea men in spiritual leadership roles never seem to have read Philippians 2:3-4 in the context of their responsibilities in the home...

Contrary to popular notions, most wives do not want to occupy the throne in their marriages. A wife wants her husband to be her spiritual leader, but she is designed by God to feel secure only when she sees that her husband is not the final authority in their marriage, that he is looking to God for direction and guidance. Only then can she be confident that her relationship with her husband will be based on scriptural principles and not on her husband's personal preferences which she recognizes can be prejudiced or selfishly motivated. Rather than argue with her when a husband discovers that his wife truly feels that he is prejudiced or selfish, he should be willing to learn what he can do to change in order to restore her confidence in him.

From God's perspective, becoming Christlike is more important to a man that developing a home government in which the husband is established as king. And more important than being the boss is having the character traits of mercy and justice....

The Christian community seems to have wandered so far away from the idea that Christians must be like Christ that it's as if this is a new calling... pg 43-45

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #2

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair


quote:You see, if you want to discover the mind of a woman, you need to recognize that when she is talking to you about what you are doing or saying, she usually wants you to see the attitudes you are showing... And since God is concerned about attitudes, she is reflecting His concern to you...

When women talk about husband-wife relationships, they usually emphasize attitueds and emotions.... Need I remind you that God says a husband's responsibility is to understand his wife- not vice versa?...

Insisting that she see my side doesn't make me understanding...

Sure, go ahead and insist that your wife understand you. But it would be more Christlike if you said to youself, "I'm going to demand that I settle for nothing less than completely understanding my wife, even if it seems one-sided. I'm going to insist that she help me see my poor attitudes and emotional weaknesses." That selflessness on your part will not remain one-sided. Your wife will be drawn to you with deep deep love for you... pg 202-203

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #3

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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What would happen if you gave your wife the freedom to express exactly how she feels about you and what you are doing? Would you feel threatened? ...

I’ve suggested a number of times that men’s unwillingness to give their wives the freedom to say exactly how they feel is at the heart of relationship disagreements... often a key reason they walk out one day, much to the surprise of their husbands... because of the muzzles their husbands have placed on them...

Initially I was taken aback to discover that some men are threatened by the amount of freedom I give my wife. They reacted strongly when I suggested... the value of giving their wives the freedom to help them recognize where they, the husbands, need to improve...

I am not suggesting that a wife demand the right to express concerns to her husband... Instead, I believe it is biblical for the husband to ask his wife to help him see himself through her eyes, to help him think something through from a different perspective....

I grant you, letting your wife put the binoculars on you and isolate genuine weaknesses, even sin, is not like taking a pleasant trip to the zoo....

However... It’s amazing what a difference personal transparency makes in a relationship... pg 185-6

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #4

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:

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Ignorance along with the flesh’s self-preserving nature, makes a formidable foe. If we do not accept the responsibility for providing Christlike spiritual leadership, we will also be incapable of receiving the messages God is trying to convey to us through our wives. Not living with our wives in an understanding manner carries two consequences: we do not receive God’s messages for our spiritual growth, and we make it difficult , if not impossible, for God to regard our prayers (1 Pet. 3:7) pg. 76-77

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #5

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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RADICAL CHRISTLIKENESS NEEDED
...
I'm sure you have heard many preachers and Sunday school teachers say that we as Christians ought to be Christlike. But I didn't find anyone in my experience as a Christian who was teaching or demonstrating how to rigorously apply Christlikeness to the husband's role in the marriage relationship or to the father's relationship with his children. Instead, the traditional teaching focused on the need for the wife to ve submissive to her husband no matter what. That teaching had been easy for me to quickly absorb and wholeheartedly accept.

What I didn't recognize, and I still find most men don't recognize is the full significance of Ephesians 5:25-27:

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

We basically stop reading and internalizing what God is teaching us after the first part, "Husbands love your wives." As a result, we don't get the full implication of what it means to love our wives as Christ loved the church. If we did, we would begin to discover the minds and spirits of wour wives, and that discovery would transform the marriage relationship...

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #6

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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I Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

That provision includes more than money. It also includes spiritual leadership, emotional care, understanding, comfort, compassion, and friendship. It means that a wife must have a very high priority in her husband’s life...

A wife determines her husband’s Christlike character by his willingness to let her participate in his life. More often than not, that means that her husband is willing to be held answerable even to his wife as the Holy Spirit alerts her to his character flaws.

Too many husbands, even in our supposedly enlightened generation, reveal their natural tendency to think of themselves as the boss and ruler of the marriage. This attitude is reinforced by the popular notion in Christian circles that a woman’s only requirements in marriage are to be a silent, obedient, submissive wife. And that submission, regardless of conditions, better be with a gracious pleasantness, or she is not a good Christian woman. Implicit in this attitude is that wives are to be flawless- while husbands excuse their behavior by various rationalizations, none of which will hold up when they appear before the great judge of the universe. God is not deceived by spiritual rationalizations of inexcusable behavior in the home by self-styled Christian leaders.

We read in Proverbs 11:29: "He who troubles his own household inherits the wind." That is exactly what is happening in Christian marriages all over the world where men are unwilling to let God use their wives to bring about accountability for Christlike character...

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #7

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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Pg 115-116
In the previous chapter we covered symptoms that reveal a problem husband, a husband who is not living with his wife in an understanding way, who is not demonstrating Christlikeness in his attitudes toward her, who is not being encouraging and supportive, as Christ encourages and supports the church through thick and thin. I have discovered that all of these problems reveal a lack of sensitivity, a failure to minister to a wife’s spirit.

“Right”, you may be saying, even a bit sarcastically. “I’ve got to take all the blame for what’s wrong. But if you knew my wife, you wouldn’t say that I had failed. She had all these problems long before I met her.”

Granted. But let me ask you how long you have been married...

“Okay... HAS SHE GOTTEN BETTER OR WORSE SINCE YOU MARRIED HER?” I ask.

What would your answer be? Without fail, the husbands reply, “WORSE”. I that is your answer, then my next question is, “If you are the spiritual leader in your home, and the job of a spiritual leader is to bring the one you are responsible for to spiritual maturity, then why has your wife gotten worse instead of better?”

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Sexual Sin Within Christian Marriage #2

From 1Thes 4:3-8, it seems there exist choices in how one possesses "his vessel" (some translations render "vessel" as "wife"; some render "vessel" as his own body. I think GOD deliberately used a word which can mean wife or body- and the teaching of the passage applies to BOTH. John Piper thinks the RSV rendering "wife" is more accurate- link ).

Back to the CHOICE in the passage:
Does he possess his wife/his body in "sanctification and honour"?
Or does he do so "in the lust of concupiscence"/"passion of lust"?
Engaging in the "passion of lust" is to "go beyond and defraud his brother". I think "brother" can be his WIFE (or her husband). His transgression/ his lusting transgresses boundaries and DEFRAUDS HER.

Here is the passage in 3 Bible versions:

quote:
1Thes 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: (AV)

1Thes 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; 4 that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; 6 that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. 7 For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (RSV)

1Thes 4: 3 God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex. 4Respect and honor your wife. [a] 5Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. 6You must not cheat any of the Lord's followers in matters of sex. Remember, we warned you that he punishes everyone who does such things. 7God didn't choose you to be filthy, but to be pure. 8So if you don't obey these rules, you are not really disobeying us. You are disobeying God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

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Communication Skills: Worst to Best

From Retrouvaille post session workbook:


quote:
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Use this scale as a guide to see whether or not you are giving your spouse healthy responses that promote good communication. Like anything, “Practice Makes Perfect.”

Worst:
When my spouse says something and I...
...reject or ridicule his/her feelings
...criticize him/her
...question his/her perceptions
...defend myself
...ignore him/her
...share just to meet my own needs
It is hurtful and indicates rejection
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel hurt

Poor:
When my spouse says something and I...
...ask questions about the facts
...give advice
...ignore his/her feelings
...reassure without identifying his/her feelings
It misses feelings and indicates toleration.
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel frustrated

Good:
When my spouse says something and I...
...accurately identify his/her main feeling
It acknowledges main obvious feelings and indicates acceptance.
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel accepted.

Best:
When my spouse says something and I...
...ask questions about the feelings
...mirror back with empathy
...communicate understanding of his/her feelings
...try to understand non-verbals
It goes beyond the obvious to underlying feelings and indicates acceptance.
My spouse’s feelings might be... I feel cared for and want to tell you more.

"When you find yourself in a difficult marriage..."

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

How is God using your marriage to teach you how to love?

When you find yourself in a difficult marriage, or in a basically good marriage with one particular issue that grates on you, you can be sure that God wants to mature you as you face this problem with strength, courage, dignity, and biblical wisdom. God could of course speak the word and your problem would be solved- voila! But that's not how God usually works. He allows us to face issues that may terrify us and make us feel completely inadequate- he may even walk us through our deepest fears- so that we can grow in him.

The Bible is adamant about this. Spiritual growth takes place by persevering through difficult times

quotes from Rom 5:3-5; James 1:2-4; 1 Pet 1:7

The good news is that you and God are in this together. He knew, even before he created you, who you'd marry. And he will continue to give you the tools you need to become the person he's called you to be and to do the work he's created you to do within your current relationship. God would never leave you alone in any situation: "He will never leave you nor forsake you" (Deut 31:6). Even if you married a non-Christian, God's grace is sufficient for you. You cannot dig a hole so deep that it cuts you off from God's provision, care, and life-giving strength....

That's the message I want to communicate: you and God are in this together, and he's beginning your marriage makeover with you. Let him transform you as you seek to move your husband. While you may never achieve the results you have in mind, you can- without question- change the equation of your marriage by remodeling yourself. It begins with understanding, perhaps for the first time, the glory of being a godly woman and acting with the strength of a godly woman who understands she was created in the image of God, forgiven of her sins through the work of Jesus Christ, and gifted and empowered by God's Holy Spirit to live the life God has called her to live...

By courageously facing up to the challenges that every marriage faces, and by letting God change you in the process, something wonderful takes place- the formation of a new woman, fully alive to God, who can take the lessons she learns at home and apply them everywhere else.

"We can't guarantee success in this war, but we can do something better. We can deserve it."

Sacred Influence - "God, not your marital status, defines your life."- #1

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Is that true of you? The more it is, the more success your will have in moving your man, because weak women usually forfeit their influence.

Look at this from a very practical perspective: do you care much about what a person for whom you have little respect thinks of you? Probably not. So then, how is such a person going to influence you? When their opinion doesn’t matter; they may communicate clearly, honestly, and practically- but you’re still not going to listen to them. In the same way, if your husband doesn’t respect you, if you have sinfully put his acceptance of you over your identity as a daughter of God, then how will you ever influence him for the better? (Pg 21)

...if you will do almost anything to gain his acceptance- then you’ve just given to a man what rightfully belongs to God alone.
And that means you’ve turned marriage into idol worship.
When you do that, both you and your husband lose....
In addition, how will you ever find the courage to confront someone whose acceptance so determines your sense of well being that you believe you can’t exist without him? How will you ever take the risk to say what needs to be said if you think your future depends on your husband’s favor toward you? (Pg. 27)

If you truly want to love, motivate, and influence your husband, your first step must be to connect- and to stay connected- with God. Find your refuge, security, comfort, strength, and hope in him. (Pg. 28)

It’s not your pain that motivates him but his pain. You have to be willing to create an environment... in which your spouse will be motivated by his pain. This is a courageous and healthy movement toward your spouse and toward preserving and strengthening your marriage, and is an act of commitment, not rebellion (pg. 31)

Once you fully understand your status before God, you need never again live at the mercy of a man’s approval. (Pg. 33)

Sacred Influence - "Taming Husband's Anger"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas-
Chapter 10 Taming the Temper Part 1: Self Respect as a First Defense against Your Husband’s Anger

As long as a woman blames herself for causing her husband’s temper, she ignores the real problem: she’s the target, not the cause. As long as a woman thinks she causes the anger, she accepts blame for her husband’s problem.... you need to know that it’s impossible to live with an angry man without making him angry. But you can remove yourself as the target.

Ray grew up with a very critical alcoholic father who taught him that relationships are built on extremely high expectations. Ray admits, “Sometimes I have little patience, and yes, I can be intolerant of other people’s patterns...”

At first, Jo responded to Ray’s angry tone with defensiveness and guilt, thinking she was most likely in the wrong. But after Jo analyzed several confrontations, she eventually decided Ray wasn’t always right, which led her to react with anger of her own- and that only made things worse...

As I said before, you are most vulnerable to sin when you are sinned against. Your husband’s inappropriate expression of anger does not excuse your inappropriate expression of anger: “He who loves a quarrel loves sin” (Proverbs 17:9). ...

Jo... explains, “What I sensed God saying to me was to use communication that was direct and nonattacking and that showed self-respect: ‘This is what I need from you,’ or ‘Would you please communicate in a way that isn’t so frightening?’”... Note the spiritual foundation behind this transformation: Jo allowed God to change her which resulted in her husband’s spiritual growth.

Ray explains, “Before, if I was condescending to her or demeaning or critical, then she would respond very quickly and very angrily back: ‘Don’t talk to me that way! Don’t use that tone of voice when you’re talking to me!” Her face would get tight and tense, and I thought, ‘ Boy she’s really hurting. I’ve touched a deep nerve in there somewhere’ but I didn’t understand why she was making such a big deal out of it.’

In the midst of subsequent blowups, Jo concentrated on being firm but gentle. “I need for you to reword that so I don’t feel so defensive.” ... “I care about you very much, and I need you to know that what you said was hurtful”. She dropped the sharp “Don’t talk to me that way!”

According to Ray, Jo’s previous method of communicating “just made me feel guilty. I already knew I had *****ed up, and here she was piling it on... And when you already feel low about yourself... you’re more likely yo strike back and escalate the intensity.”

Ray says that what made him the angriest was being misunderstood. He believes that Jo sometimes just looked at his behavior without giving him the benefit of the doubt. That perplexed and frustrated him which would escalate into anger. In fact, Ray believes, on many occasions he had good intentions, but when Jo assumed the worst, he became frustrated , which in turn made him angry- and then he chose to lash out.

Sacred Influence- "Taming Husband's Anger"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming... Husband's Anger

Spiritual Preparation
There’s another principle we can learn from Jo’s experience: in order to confront anger in your man, you’re going to need to put your own spiritual house in order; otherwise you’ll likely lack the strength, courage, and perspective to help your husband...

When you live with an angry man, you not only crave but literally need God’s affirmation. Men can be very cruel with their cutting comments if you aren’t receiving affirmation and affection from your heavenly Father, you’re going to feel emotionally empty and perhaps even worthless- and that will feed into your husband’s response and tempt you to become even more of a doormat...

So if you’re living with an angry man, please accept my encouragement to spend all that much more time in worship, prayer, and Christian community so that you can soak up the love, affirmation, and affection you need for a healthy spiritual life. From such a strong spiritual core, you can face the hurt and frustration in your marriage as Jo did.

Armed with her standing before God, Jo made it clear to Ray that while she wanted to understand his frustration, she would not put up with verbal harassment....

Ray says, “I wanted to recognize her needs. When Jo stood up to me, it told me she valued herself. SO I valued her. It made me understand that Jo is a person with a lot of Character; she cares about herself, and I think every man wants that . I don’t think men want a woman they can just run over...”

This goes back to the point made in the very first chapter; respect is vital in a marriage, and not just for a woman toward her man, but also for a man toward his wife. If your husband doesn’t respect you, you’re going to have a very difficult time influencing him in any significant way. And if you don’t respect yourself, you’ll make it that much more difficult for you husband to respect you...

Angry men sometimes tell me something they rarely tell their wives: they feel ashamed of how they’ve acted; they hate what they’ve become. In most cases when you help a husband tame his temper, you’re helping him to become th kind of man he wants to be.

Sacred Influence- "Helping Him Love You"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming... Husband's Anger

Helping Him Love You

In her role as an inspirational speaker, Jo has met many women whose husbands have cowed them into an “unhealthy doormat mode”. Sadly, sometimes this posture gets couched in religious language and represents a complete misreading of biblical submission. Jo observes, “Women don’t tell men what they need because we’ve been taught its selfish to even think of ourselves. In fact, some of us aren’t in touch with our own feelings enough to even know what we need...”

This “martyr” method of marriage, though common among well meaning Christian women, shortchanges both husband and wife. Your husband will prosper spiritually and personally by excelling in loving you. God designed marriage, in part, to help both husband and wife grow in character. If you do all the sacrificing, if your husband runs over you, he’s not growing; he’s shrinking, spiritually speaking. He’s becoming lower in character. You may well become a saint after living with such a man for twenty years, but he is going to become increasingly miserable, because ultimately, any man who treats others poorly begins to despise himself. This might sound backward, but you need to love your husband by teaching him how to love you, because its spiritually healthy for him to grow in loving you.

At one time, the thought of telling her husband what she needed would have sounded selfish to Jo, and she would have dismissed the thought. She has since learned that respect matters and that a husband won’t truly love a woman for whom he has no respect. Jo realized that if she didn’t respect herself, her husband would adopt that same attitude of disrespect....

An angry husband often acts as if only his wife needs to change. This is a false view based on a lack of respect.

Sacred Influence- "Taming... Husband's Anger: Spiritual Lessons"

from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas Taming... Husband's Anger

Spiritual Lessons

In addition to changing her verbal presentation with Ray, Jo went through a threefold spiritual process to see who she was in Christ. The biblical way in which God honors women- and the affirming way in which Jesus treated women- contrasted starkly with the subservient description she often heard applied to women in many churches. “When I looked into Scripture and realized who I was in Christ, I started valuing that. God thinks of me as a person of value and I needed to agree with him!” She had learned the truth highlighted earlier: God, not your marital status, defines your life.

Next, Jo applied this same “person of value” approach to Ray: “Not only does God value me as a woman and wife; he values Ray as a man and husband. When Ray spoke to me out of anger, I didn’t value him as God does. I resented him. I feared him. But I didn’t value him. It wasn’t until I stood up to Ray that I could begin to value him....

When a woman truly values a man she stands up to him and says, “You’re better than that. Don’t do this to yourself or us” A faithful sister in Christ challenges her man to grow in grace, mercy, and humility...

It was not God’s best for Ray to let his temper direct his relationships. “Many Christian spouses do not hold each other accountable.” Jo warns...

By holding each other accountable as brothers and sisters in Christ, we not only address issues that have the potential to wreck our families; we also help each other learn how to better relate to people in general. Genuine believers will welcome this process of sanctification.