"The Sacred Romance": Quotes

This was the first place I recall reading of intimacy with Christ described this way. Until I read this, I thought I was the only one who knew about it, and I was embarrassed to talk about how intensely intimate I feel with my Lord.

Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

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Heaven is the beginning of an adventure in intimacy, "a world of love," as Jonathan Edwards wrote, "where God is the fountain." The Holy Spirit, through the human authors of Scripture, chose the imagery of a wedding feast for a reason. It's not just any kind of party; its a wedding feast. What sets this special feast apart from all others is the unique intimacy of the wedding night. THe Spirit uses the most secret and tender experience on earth- the union of husband and wife- to convey the depth of intimacy that we will partake with our Lord in heaven. He is the Bridegroom and the church is his bride. There we shall receive out new name, known only to our Lover, which he shall give us on a white stone (Rev. 2:17)

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Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

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"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...

There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it...

As our soul grows in the love of God and journeys forth toward Him, our heart's capacities also grow and expand...

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it's safer that way. It's also godless. That's stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life...

Awakened souls are often disappointed, but our disappointment can lead us onward, actually increasing our desire and lifting it toward its true passion. pg 199-201

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Your desire shall be for your husband.

from Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson the chapter entitled "This Woman you gave me, Lord" which is available to read online here

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Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that she would have for you.

Your desire shall be for your husband. Genesis 3:16

She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful relationship with you.

Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect. Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner. Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming ‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve you. You truly love her for who
she is. When you are bonded to your wife she always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing your own thing in order to maintain your independence.

At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be perfectly capable of living a successful life.

Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically. In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!

God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart, she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that you are trying to force her to do. The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.

It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about that!

I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet” regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk it out in order to get that all important sense of closure. I would tell her that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart right.”

Each wife is unique and she has the manual for her own marriage. I was very proud of all of the marriage books I read before marrying Kathy. She was thrilled to marry a guy who seemed interested in having a great relationship. The problem came after we were married and Kathy began to express what she needed from me individually. If it were not my idea, I would resist! If she wanted to talk, I would buy her flowers. If she wanted to get some flowers, I would take her out to dinner. I was insistent that Kathy be grateful and thankful for the expressions of love that I wanted to show to her instead of listening and responding to her heart.

"I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate."

Joel and Kathy team wrote Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His:

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I [Kathy] did not ever consider Joel to be physically abusive. The abuse was mental, emotional and spiritual. What is “spiritual abuse?” Spiritual abuse is when a man uses the Word of God to justify mistreatment of his wife. Instead of being gentle and kind toward his wife, he is harsh and condemning. He uses the popular submission scriptures to justify this harsh treatment and keep his wife “under his thumb.”

Joel discovered that he could use the Word to justify his inflicting emotional abuse upon and playing mental head games with me. I called Joel my “iron fist.” The iron fist would come down anytime I disagreed with him or asked him to treat me with respect.

The solution to spiritual abuse is found in Colossians 3:12-13. “Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” The solution is simple, yet seemingly an unattainable goal for a spiritually abusive man to implement in his relationship toward his wife.

I lived for years being reminded regularly that the man is the head of the home and that I had to submit to him if I was going to live according to the Word of God. “Anything that he says goes.” There was no talk of mutual submission as the Word of God teaches. If I questioned Joel’s authority and position as head of our home then I was that “nagging wife and dripping faucet” that Proverbs warned him about!

Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. You can be controlled in many ways. (Pg 49)

[Joel speaking]
Kathy and I have discovered through study of the Word that God desires the husband and wife to lead the home together as a team. This eliminates the opportunity for the husband to use spiritually abusive phrases such as, “You have to submit to me” and “I am the head of this
house.” (Pg. 123)

My ‘looking down’ on Kathy had simply been a pride- and ego-protecting mechanism common to abusive men. I married at my exact level. If I looked down on Kathy I had to realize that I had faults that were equal hers.

This realization pulled the rug out from under me. I used to assign errands to Kathy as if I was her dad. I would send her out the door knowing that if she did anything wrong or incomplete I would use her mistake as an opportunity to insult her, belittle her, put her down or just give her one of “those looks” that translated into, “How can you be such an idiot?” I always found something that she did incorrectly or incompletely.

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It did not matter how good of a job she had done at accomplishing my detailed assignment. For some insane reason I wanted Kathy to realize how inept she was! I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate.

I now know that it was because I was afraid of losing her. By making her feel inadequate I thought that I could keep her under my thumb. By tarnishing her selfimage I could make her “feel” like she was fortunate to be married to me. If she lost me she would not be able to attract a quality guy. I rescued her from a low life!
(Pg 140)

Abusive men always think that they married “down”. This fantasy hides the fact that they are desperately afraid of losing their spouses. The physical, mental or emotional abuse is designed to keep their spouse off balance so that they do not feel confident enough to leave. This to the abusive man is his only hope of keeping his wife.

As someone said, “If he would just be a great husband, she wouldn’t WANT to leave!” Yes, this is true. By reading this book, an abusive husband can learn to be a great husband. He does not have to lock his wife in by degrading. He can lock her in by treating her with honor!

So God created man in his image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created THEM! Genesis 1:27

When God looks at your wife and you he sees your union as his crowning creation: “Man”. He sees you together as one rather than two separate and individual beings with different “roles” and “ranks”. This “roles and ranks” emphasis has been foundational in the Body of Christ for years. It contributes nothing that positively impacts a couple’s marriage relationship. Instead, it negatively contributes to justifying the controlling nature with which Christian men seek to dominate their wives. The emphasis needs to be re-examined and ultimately discarded. It serves no productive purpose. (143)

"I'm not too big on religion" Jesus said...

from "The Shack" by W. P. Young

...you're only seeing the institution, a man-made system. That's not what I came to build.

Mack was a bit taken back to hear Jesus talking about "church" this way, but then again, it didn't really surprise him. It was a relief. "So how do I become part of that church?"...

It's simple, Mack. It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now- just doing this- and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and live is all about relationships. You can't build it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it...

For Mack these words were like a breath of fresh air! Simple. Not a bunch of exhausting work and long list of demands and not the sitting in endless meeting staring at the backs of people's heads, people he didn't even know. Just sharing life...

I really do want to understand. I mean, I find the way you are so different from all the well-intentioned religious stuff I'm familiar with."

"As well-intentioned as it might be, you know that religious machinery can chew up people!" Jesus said with a bite of his own. "An awful lot of what is done in my name has nothing to do with me and is often, even if unintentional, very contrary to my purposes"

"You're not too fond of religion and institutions?" Mack said, not sure if he was asking a question or making an observation.

"I don't create institutions-never have, never will."

"What about the institution of marriage?"

"Marriage is not an institution. It's a relationship." Jesus paused, his voice steady and patient. "Like I said, I don't create institutions; that's an occupation for those who want to play God. So no, I'm not too big on religion," Jesus said a little sarcastically...

What Happens When Your Wife's Spirit Closes?

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley


Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife's spirit by:

-speaking harsh words
-telling her that her opinions don't matter
-being unwilling to admit when you are wrong
-taking her for granted
-making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense
-not trusting her
-forcing her to do something that she's uncomfortable with
-being rude to her in front of others
-dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you've done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives's spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don't realize they've offended their wives. And one day the husband comes home to find his wife's spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like the sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him. Its fairly easy to recognize a closed spirit once you know what to look for. The most common signs of a closed spirit are listed here:

-she often has an argumentative attitude
-her facial expressions reflect anger or avoidance
-she is very resistant to discussing or agreeing on almost anything
-her hand is often cold and unresponsive when you touch it
-you sense she is avoiding you
-she often turns her back away from you
-she does not respect your advice
-she can become very critical of you
-she has few or no romantic or warm feeling toward you
-she walks out the door or files for legal separation or diovrce

Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you- who may find yourself with a closed sow bug instead of an an open wife- feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit....

You must make the decision and commitment to do whatever is necessary to relieve your wife's anger. For years now, I have practiced the following four attitudes to make sure that anger is drained out of our home on a daily basis.

"Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

Then use the list to occasionally review whether you are doing any of these destructive things again.

-Turning on the TV or computer while tuning out your wife
-Being sarcastic with her
-Ignoring or degrading her advice or opinions
-Criticizing her family and friends
-Overcommitting yourself to outside interests
-Talking to her or treating her as though she were a child.
-Living a double standard (doing things you don't allow her to do)
-Using profanity or name calling
-Letting things go around the house: ignoring her honey do list
-Letting your eyes wander to other women
-Criticizing the way she does things (housecleaning, child rearing, etc)
-Giving looks of disgust
-Raising your voice in anger
-Showing more attention to other people than to her
-Giving your wife the silent treatment
-Correcting her or being rude to her in public
-Pressuring her
-Lecturing her
-Ignoring her
-Honking the horn at her
-Breaking promises
-Making comments about women on TV or in magazines that make her feel inferior
-Holding resentment about something she did
-Coercing her into an argument
-Not trusting her
-Being unsympathetic when she is tired, ill, upset, or frustrated
-Not telling her that you love her
-Not attending church as a family
-Demanding that she be involved with you sexually when you are not in harmony
-Not being involved with household chores and care of children
-Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weak
-Being unwilling to admit when you're wrong
-Reading or watching pornography
-Being stingy with money
-Not eating meals with her
-Complaining while doing something with her (having a bad attitude the whole time)
-Forgetting and/or not celebrating special occasions (her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's Day)
-Minimizing her efforts
-Not encouraging and supporting her interests
-Being impolite
-Wanting to do things that embarrass her sexually
-Disregarding her requests to read a certain book, listen to a tape, watch a video, or hear a speaker
-Continuing distasteful or harmful habits
-Taking her for granted
-Being preoccupied with your own agenda
-Monopolizing the TV remote control
-Blaming her for everything
-Being impatient with her: hurrying her to get ready, to finish shopping, or to get to the point
-Becoming absorbed in self-interests to the exclusion of her and/or the kids
-Kidding or making unkind comments about her body or age (about how she used to look or about how much she used to weigh)
-Questioning her spending
-Not consulting or honoring her in decisions to spend/invest money
-Telling her what to do
-Taking no time to prepare her for sexual intimacy
-Being unwilling to join her in the things she enjoys
-Not fully appreciating the mundane and exhaustive chores a wife and mother does (picking up clothes and toys all day, washing, ironing, vacuuming, doing dishes, sweeping, straightening, folding, running errands, making calls)
-always showing indifference instead of showing initiative and making plans
-Joking about her monthly mood swings
-Having an unkempt or unclean appearance
-Giving no thought to gifts for her
-Physically abusing her (from shoving to beating)

"Love and Respect"

Ephesians 5 love and respect in marriage.
from "Livin it and Lovin it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

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Ephesians 5:25-33

What is astounding about this passage is that Paul says so much to husbands and so little to wives. There are 183 words in the passage. Only ten small words at the end of the passage apply to wives, seemingly as an afterthought! What most people “get” from this passage are the ten words! The 173 words simply fade into the background of their minds...


What is really astounding and would make a great study in human nature is the amazing ability of men and women to give this one little phrase about respect the same billing! Ten words get equal billing to or even overshadow the preceding 173!
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Some authors and commentators take this approach to Ephesians 5:25-33....


There have been large amounts of material written on the need for a wife to “respect” her husband. It has been said that a man’s greatest need is to be respected and a wife’s greatest need is to be loved. They point out that a wife is not told to love her husband in this passage but only to respect him.

What happens when a wife is pressured to respect her husband in the “real world” regardless of whether he first fulfills his responsibility to love? Many husbands do not take their responsibility seriously. They do not listen to their wife’s heart, they don’t spend time with them; they belittle or ignore their concerns. The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect.

Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love.


We do not believe that Paul meant for wives to respect their husbands regardless of their actions. We believe that this was Paul’s consolation to husbands who take seriously his admonition to agape love their wives.

Our message to wives is this: You do not have to offer undeserved respect to your husband. God does not require this of you. God has called your husband to agape love you. Four times in this one passage the message is repeated. Only after your husband is filling your cup with agape love are you asked to respond with a responsive, loving respect. Don’t worry wives; it is very easy to respect a man who is laying his life down for you!