Wednesday, May 28, 2008

What Happens When Your Wife's Spirit Closes?

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley


Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife's spirit by:

-speaking harsh words
-telling her that her opinions don't matter
-being unwilling to admit when you are wrong
-taking her for granted
-making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense
-not trusting her
-forcing her to do something that she's uncomfortable with
-being rude to her in front of others
-dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you've done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives's spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don't realize they've offended their wives. And one day the husband comes home to find his wife's spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like the sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him. Its fairly easy to recognize a closed spirit once you know what to look for. The most common signs of a closed spirit are listed here:

-she often has an argumentative attitude
-her facial expressions reflect anger or avoidance
-she is very resistant to discussing or agreeing on almost anything
-her hand is often cold and unresponsive when you touch it
-you sense she is avoiding you
-she often turns her back away from you
-she does not respect your advice
-she can become very critical of you
-she has few or no romantic or warm feeling toward you
-she walks out the door or files for legal separation or diovrce

Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you- who may find yourself with a closed sow bug instead of an an open wife- feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit....

You must make the decision and commitment to do whatever is necessary to relieve your wife's anger. For years now, I have practiced the following four attitudes to make sure that anger is drained out of our home on a daily basis.

"Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

Then use the list to occasionally review whether you are doing any of these destructive things again.

-Turning on the TV or computer while tuning out your wife
-Being sarcastic with her
-Ignoring or degrading her advice or opinions
-Criticizing her family and friends
-Overcommitting yourself to outside interests
-Talking to her or treating her as though she were a child.
-Living a double standard (doing things you don't allow her to do)
-Using profanity or name calling
-Letting things go around the house: ignoring her honey do list
-Letting your eyes wander to other women
-Criticizing the way she does things (housecleaning, child rearing, etc)
-Giving looks of disgust
-Raising your voice in anger
-Showing more attention to other people than to her
-Giving your wife the silent treatment
-Correcting her or being rude to her in public
-Pressuring her
-Lecturing her
-Ignoring her
-Honking the horn at her
-Breaking promises
-Making comments about women on TV or in magazines that make her feel inferior
-Holding resentment about something she did
-Coercing her into an argument
-Not trusting her
-Being unsympathetic when she is tired, ill, upset, or frustrated
-Not telling her that you love her
-Not attending church as a family
-Demanding that she be involved with you sexually when you are not in harmony
-Not being involved with household chores and care of children
-Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weak
-Being unwilling to admit when you're wrong
-Reading or watching pornography
-Being stingy with money
-Not eating meals with her
-Complaining while doing something with her (having a bad attitude the whole time)
-Forgetting and/or not celebrating special occasions (her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's Day)
-Minimizing her efforts
-Not encouraging and supporting her interests
-Being impolite
-Wanting to do things that embarrass her sexually
-Disregarding her requests to read a certain book, listen to a tape, watch a video, or hear a speaker
-Continuing distasteful or harmful habits
-Taking her for granted
-Being preoccupied with your own agenda
-Monopolizing the TV remote control
-Blaming her for everything
-Being impatient with her: hurrying her to get ready, to finish shopping, or to get to the point
-Becoming absorbed in self-interests to the exclusion of her and/or the kids
-Kidding or making unkind comments about her body or age (about how she used to look or about how much she used to weigh)
-Questioning her spending
-Not consulting or honoring her in decisions to spend/invest money
-Telling her what to do
-Taking no time to prepare her for sexual intimacy
-Being unwilling to join her in the things she enjoys
-Not fully appreciating the mundane and exhaustive chores a wife and mother does (picking up clothes and toys all day, washing, ironing, vacuuming, doing dishes, sweeping, straightening, folding, running errands, making calls)
-always showing indifference instead of showing initiative and making plans
-Joking about her monthly mood swings
-Having an unkempt or unclean appearance
-Giving no thought to gifts for her
-Physically abusing her (from shoving to beating)

Sunday, May 4, 2008

"Love and Respect"

Ephesians 5 love and respect in marriage.
from "Livin it and Lovin it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson


Quote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ephesians 5:25-33

What is astounding about this passage is that Paul says so much to husbands and so little to wives. There are 183 words in the passage. Only ten small words at the end of the passage apply to wives, seemingly as an afterthought! What most people “get” from this passage are the ten words! The 173 words simply fade into the background of their minds...


What is really astounding and would make a great study in human nature is the amazing ability of men and women to give this one little phrase about respect the same billing! Ten words get equal billing to or even overshadow the preceding 173!
...

Some authors and commentators take this approach to Ephesians 5:25-33....


There have been large amounts of material written on the need for a wife to “respect” her husband. It has been said that a man’s greatest need is to be respected and a wife’s greatest need is to be loved. They point out that a wife is not told to love her husband in this passage but only to respect him.

What happens when a wife is pressured to respect her husband in the “real world” regardless of whether he first fulfills his responsibility to love? Many husbands do not take their responsibility seriously. They do not listen to their wife’s heart, they don’t spend time with them; they belittle or ignore their concerns. The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect.

Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love.


We do not believe that Paul meant for wives to respect their husbands regardless of their actions. We believe that this was Paul’s consolation to husbands who take seriously his admonition to agape love their wives.

Our message to wives is this: You do not have to offer undeserved respect to your husband. God does not require this of you. God has called your husband to agape love you. Four times in this one passage the message is repeated. Only after your husband is filling your cup with agape love are you asked to respond with a responsive, loving respect. Don’t worry wives; it is very easy to respect a man who is laying his life down for you!