from Healing Victims of Sexual Abuse by Paula Sandford:
Many scripture references assure us that we will in no way lose our reward for the love and blessings that we sow (Matt 10:41,42; Mark 9:41; Eph 6:8; I Cor. 3:8; I Cor 3:14; Col 3:24; 2 Cor 9:6) . God’s laws were established before sin entered the picture. When man chose to sin, the same laws which had been created for mankind’s blessing continued to operate for negative reaping.
It is not that we are forbidden to judge. Necessarily we make judgments prior to every decision. Here are three examples of good and bad ways of judging:
1. Smoking is damaging to my health- I will ask for a table in the far corner of the non-smoking section.
2. Mrs T repeats everything she hears- I will confess my faults to someone else who has learned to respect and keep confidences.
3. My husband is tired and cross today- I will give him time to rest and get refreshed before I talk to him about Billy’s D in math.
These judgments are quite different from:
1. “What’s the matter with those self-centered inconsiderate so and sos who stink up the whole atmosphere with their stupid pollution?!”
2. “Mrs T’s tongue wags at both ends and in the middle. I wouldn’t tell her the time of day!”
3. “You’d think that a kid’s father would take some interest! All he ever does is come home and flop in front of the boob tube! He’s never here when I need him!”
Making those latter judgments is and almost sure guarantee that Mrs T Motormouth will capture you in the coffee shop after and exhausting day of shopping, and the only available seating will be in the smoking section. Two hours later, when you stagger home debilitated by the gossip and the stench of second-hand smoke, your husband will greet you with, “Where have you been? You look terrible! And why is it you never have dinner ready on time?”
Often we fail to see the relationship between our sowing and reaping...
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
from "The Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender
Quote From The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse by Dan Allender
quote:
The abuser-surrogate is usually the person who offers the abuse victim the most intimate relationship in principle or actuality. It will be the relationship where all the past damage and self-protection is intensely played out. It seems that a spouse is most often the abuser-surrogate. In the marriage relationship intimacy, trust, and sexuality are set against the issues of powerlessness, betrayal, and ambivalence. As stated before, the abuse victim usually will have chosen a relationship with a man who is dead to intimacy, untrustworthy, divorced from passion or a user of passion. The marriage of an abuse victim is usually dull and stable or painful and chaotic. It is not unusual for a marriage to swing between the two ends like a ride on a roller coaster... Some women are married to hard, angry, cold, but somewhat open men. Others are enmeshed with extremely closed and self-centered men, or worse with men who are evil, cold-hearted, and potentially violent.... If a husband will not pursue counseling with his wife, the woman can still benefit from a counselor who will help her explore what it means to love a man who will not involve himself in the process of change.
What are the basics of loving the abuser-surrogate? The process includes building consistent boundaries, deepening intimacy, leaning to sorrow and rejoice, and persevering in faith toward God’s redemption of one’s spouse as a person clothed in dignity and strength...
If the relationship deepens through honesty, travail, and repentance, it is unlikely the spouse will be used as a surrogate. However, when new boundaries and pursuit of depth in relationship result in irreconciled division, the victim will find it even more of a battle to boldly love her spouse who, in turning against her has become a capital-A abuser.
STOP accusing the brethren!
quoted from Communion With God by Mark & Patti Virkler
quote:
(pg 106-107)
I found that I generally forfeited the principles of mercy and faithfulness when dealing with others. I was harsh and severe in my judgment of them, and rather than being faithful and loyal to them, I came against them, more as the accuser of the brethren. Therefore, I assumed a satanic stance, rather than a Holy Spirit stance, that is, I tended to “come against” rather than “coming alongside”...
...it finally dawned on me that the accuser’s stance is satan’s stance (the word “devil” literally means “accuser”) and the comforter’s stance is the Holy Spirit’s stance. Since this revelation, I have made a commitment never to take an accuser’s stance against anyone. No longer will I be the expression of satan. If someone is struggling, hurt, down, or in error, I have one, and only one posture. That is, to come alongside him and comfort him, to be faithful to him, and thus preserve the dignity of all men and the unity of the Body of Christ.
Profile of an abuser
Profile of an abuser.
quote:from link
His instability manifests in some or all of the following ways:... When criticisms, or even suggestions or help are offered, he can perceive these only as personal attacks or threats to his private citadel. Because of all this, typically he has been released from a number of jobs over the years, but has never been able to accept responsibility of his fault in the matter.
He is angry at root level because it seems to him that his father always criticized, rather than complimenting and affirming him, he will feel rage at his boss's corrections, but self-defensively stifle his stormy response until at home he can "thunder and lightning" all over his family. If confronted about this behavior, he projects guilt onto everyone else and withdraws...
He NEEDED to set her [his wife] up to attack him in order to maintian his right to hide in the fortress he had built from childhood to insure protection from the destructive onslaught of "mother"....And then he would relate, sometimes with tears, his poor-abused-husband tale of woe...
He fears intimacy because to him it means a loss of control, and vulnerability to the destructive imperfections of others. He chooses the the familiar agony of loneliness rather than risking the unpredictable kinds and measures of pain he is certain lurk "poised to get him" from the world beyond his defenses
He avoids efforts necessary for real growth, and thus remains immature... He may be keenly aware of his own inadequacies, but cannot seek any kind of counsel, for fear of discovery... He doesn't know that he is loved just as he is, that sins are forgivable, and that most people learn more by their mistakes than by successes...
Monday, May 14, 2007
...a man raped her
From Prayers that Heal the Heart . By Mark and Patti Virkler
quote:
Let us say a woman has a negative picture of men in her mind because a man raped her. She may know that she is supposed to forgive everything against everyone (Mark 11:25) and that she is not supposed to let the sun go down on her wrath (Eph 4:26). So she may say a thousand times, “I forgive him.” But if she still maintains a picture in her mind of the man raping her, then that picture will create more energy within than her confession of forgiveness, and she will find that in her heart she still hates the man (if not all men).
... in this scenario the woman not only has a negative picture she must get rid of, but she most likely also has a negative expectation and inner vow which must be renounced and removed. The negative expectation is probably something like, “All men are pigs.” The inner vow may be, “I will never trust a man again.” So now we have three things producing sin energies within the woman. In addition, she is determining her future fate because her spirit is sending out a strong message of expectation to every man who can hear, saying, “I expect you to treat me badly, and I don’t trust you.” The man’s spirit hears the two messages which are saying to him, “I am supposed to act like an unfeeling animal around her. I am not to be trusted when in her presence.” Therefore, she will be drawing more molestation and abuse toward herself.
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