Defining "femininity"

quote from Ruby Slippers* by Jonalyn Fincher


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is femininity just too difficult to nail down?

How Philosophers Help Women

...
Philosophers define such slippery things using family resemblance, a list of the many ways things resemble each other. Family resemblances are a list of common but not required characteristics. We know and accept that some members do not have all resemblances. They are still "in" the group because they have enough on the list. As a philosopher, I think this approach works well with femininity.

Family resemblance helps us explain femininity because it keeps our notions of femininity clear yet flexible. We can come up with a list of recurring resemblances that many, though not all, women have. Some items on this list will be characteristic of many women, but all together they may nor be true of every woman. The key is that all women will enjoy at least one of these family characteristics. One is sufficient for a woman to be feminine...

A person has a woman's soul by having the first characteristic. The first family resemblance is something essential to all women. The rest are more commonalities that more women than men share, hence family resemblance.

~~~~Family Resemblance~~~~~~~~~~Description

1. Female body---------> A soul interwoven into a female body
2. Vulnerability--------->In body and soul
3. Interdependence----->Identity emerges from intimacy
4. Sensitive awareness-->Soul radar for others and ourselves
5. Emotional intelligence-> Experience in management of intense emotions
6. Cultivation------------> Ability to tend others, ourselves, and the world

These are just the beginning of a list of natural feminine resemblances- there may be more. These qualities, as gifts from God may come more easily yo us. These are not things we should have to try to do as much as they will be part of who we are....

Natural femininity is the way we live with our female body and the way we use our soul for vulnerability, interdependence, sensitive awareness, emotional intelligence, and cultivation. The latter five characteristics are not requirements for all women. A man may be sensitive, vulnerable, or a cultivator, but that doesn't make him feminine. A man can never be feminine in his soul because he doesn't have the essential ingredient: a female body. (clips from pages 101-106)
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* FINCHER, JONALYN. Ruby Slippers : How the Soul of a Woman Brings Her Home. Grand Rapids, Mich. Zondervan, 2007, pages 101-106.

Re-Thinking Eve...

Quotes from Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.

quote:

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Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God’s own heart...

...the story of Eve... We clearly haven’t learned its lessons- for if we had, men would treat women much much differently, and women would view themselves in a far better light...

Adam steps forth, the image of God. Nothing in creation even comes close. Picture Michelangelo’s David. He is... magnificent. Truly the masterpiece seems complete. And yet, the Master says that something is not good, not right. Something in missing... and that something is Eve...

She is the crescendo, the final astonishing work of God. Woman. In one least flourish creation comes to a finish not with Adam, but with Eve. She is the Master’s finishing touch... His piece de resistance. She fills a place in the world nothing and no one else can fill... (Ladies) Look out across the earth and say to yourselves, “The whole, vast world is incomplete without me. Creation reached its zenith in me.”

And she, too, bears the image of God but in a way that only the feminine can speak. What can we learn from her? God wanted to reveal something about Himself, so he gave us Eve... Eve is created because things were not right without her. Something was not good. ...Something is missing? What could it possibly be? Eve. Woman. Femininity. Wow. Talk about significance.

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quote:

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Back in Genesis when God sets his image bearers on the earth, he gives them their mission:
Gen 1:26-28.

Call it the Human Mission- to be all and do all God sent us here to do. And notice- the mission to be fruitful and conquer and hold sway is given both to Adam and to Eve. “And God said to them...” Eve is standing right there when God gives the world over to us. She has a vital role to play; she is partner in this great adventure. All that human beings were intended to do here on earth- all the creativity and exploration, all the battle and rescue and nurture- we were intended to do together. In fact, not only is Eve needed, but she is desperately needed.

When God creates Eve, he calls her an ezer kenegdo. “It is not good for the man to be alone, I shall make him [an ezer kenegdo]” (Gen 2:18 Alter). Hebrew scholar Robert Alter, who has spent years translating the book of Genesis, says that this phrase is “notoriously difficult to translate”. The various attempts we have in English are “helper” or “companion” or the notorious “help meet”. Why are these translations so incredibly wimpy, boring, flat... disappointing? What is a help meet, anyway? What little girl dances through the house singing “One day I shall be a help meet?” Companion? A dog can be a companion. Helper? Sounds like Hamburger Helper. Alter is getting close when he translates it “sustainer beside him.”

The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament. And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you desperately.

Most of the contexts are life and death, by the way, and God is your only hope. Your ezer. If he were not there beside you... you are dead. A better translation of ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart. Pg 31-32

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quote:

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clips from pages 82-85
The story of the treatment of women down through the ages is not a noble history. It has noble moments, to be sure, but taken as a whole, women have endured what seems to be a special hatred ever since we left Eden. ...

You might know that through the thousands of years of Jewish history recorded in the Old Testament, Jewish women were considered property with no legal rights (as they were and are in many cultures). They were not allowed to study the Law, nor to formally educate their children. They had a segregated place in the synagogue. It was common practice for a Jewish man to add to his morning prayers, “Thank you, God, for not making me a Gentile, a woman, or a slave.”

...
The assault on femininity- its long history, its utter viciousness- cannot be understood apart from the spiritual forces of evil we are warned against in the Scriptures. That is not to say that men (and women, for they, too, assault women) have no accountability in their treatment of women. Not at all. It is simply to say that no explanation for the assault upon Eve and her daughters is sufficient unless it opens our eyes to the Prince of Darkness and his special hatred of femininity.
...
Satan fell because of his beauty. Now his heart for revenge is to assault beauty... he hates Eve.
Because she is captivating, uniquely glorious, and he cannot be.

Eve is his greatest human threat, for she brings life. She is a lifesaver and a life giver. Eve means “life” or “life producer”...

Put those two things together- that Eve incarnates the Beauty of God and she gives life to the world. Satan’s bitter heart cannot bear it. He assaults her with a special hatred. History removes any doubt about this....

The message of our wounds nearly always is, “This is because of you. This is what you deserve.” It changes things to realize that, no, it is because you are glorious that these things happened. It is because you are a major threat to the kingdom of darkness. Because you uniquely carry the glory of God to the world.
You are hated because of your beauty and power.

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quote:

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Pg 91
You really won’t understand your life as a woman until you understand this:

You are passionately loved by the God of the universe.
You are passionately hated by his Enemy.

And so, dear heart, it is time for your restoration. For there is One greater than your Enemy. One who has sought you out from the beginning of time. He has come to heal your broken heart and restore your feminine soul.

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Sex is a "type" of heaven

from "Sex God" by Rob Bell

quote:
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If marriage is meant to show people what the oneness of God is like, what happens when everybody is one in the presence of God?

If marriage is a picture of something else, what would happen to marriage if we found ourselves living in the midst of that something else?

Is sex in its greatest, purest, most joyful and honest expression a glimpse of forever?

Are these brief moments of abandon and oneness and ecstasy just a couple of seconds or minutes of how things will be forever?

Is sex a picture of heaven?...

Maybe Jesus knew what was coming and knew that whatever we experience here will pale compared with what awaits everyone.

Do you long for that?

Because that's the center of Jesus' message.

An invitation.

To trust that it's true,

to trust that it's real,

to trust that God is actually going to make all things new.
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"The Sacred Romance": Quotes

This was the first place I recall reading of intimacy with Christ described this way. Until I read this, I thought I was the only one who knew about it, and I was embarrassed to talk about how intensely intimate I feel with my Lord.

Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

quote:

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Heaven is the beginning of an adventure in intimacy, "a world of love," as Jonathan Edwards wrote, "where God is the fountain." The Holy Spirit, through the human authors of Scripture, chose the imagery of a wedding feast for a reason. It's not just any kind of party; its a wedding feast. What sets this special feast apart from all others is the unique intimacy of the wedding night. THe Spirit uses the most secret and tender experience on earth- the union of husband and wife- to convey the depth of intimacy that we will partake with our Lord in heaven. He is the Bridegroom and the church is his bride. There we shall receive out new name, known only to our Lover, which he shall give us on a white stone (Rev. 2:17)

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Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

quote:

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"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...

There may be times when all we have to go on is a sense of duty. But in the end, if that is all we have, we will never make it...

As our soul grows in the love of God and journeys forth toward Him, our heart's capacities also grow and expand...

But the sword cuts both ways. While our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain. The two go hand in hand. What, then, shall we do with disappointment? We can be our own enemy, depending on how we handle the heartache that comes with desire. To want is to suffer; the word passion means to suffer. That is why many Christians are reluctant to listen to their hearts. They know that their dullness is keeping them from feeling the pain of life. Many of us have chosen simply not to want so much; it's safer that way. It's also godless. That's stoicism, not Christianity. Sanctification is an awakening, the rousing of our souls from the dead sleep of sin into the fullness of their capacity for life...

Awakened souls are often disappointed, but our disappointment can lead us onward, actually increasing our desire and lifting it toward its true passion. pg 199-201

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Your desire shall be for your husband.

from Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson the chapter entitled "This Woman you gave me, Lord" which is available to read online here

QUOTE:
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Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that she would have for you.

Your desire shall be for your husband. Genesis 3:16

She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful relationship with you.

Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect. Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner. Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming ‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve you. You truly love her for who
she is. When you are bonded to your wife she always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing your own thing in order to maintain your independence.

At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be perfectly capable of living a successful life.

Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically. In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!

God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart, she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that you are trying to force her to do. The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.

It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about that!

I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet” regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk it out in order to get that all important sense of closure. I would tell her that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart right.”

Each wife is unique and she has the manual for her own marriage. I was very proud of all of the marriage books I read before marrying Kathy. She was thrilled to marry a guy who seemed interested in having a great relationship. The problem came after we were married and Kathy began to express what she needed from me individually. If it were not my idea, I would resist! If she wanted to talk, I would buy her flowers. If she wanted to get some flowers, I would take her out to dinner. I was insistent that Kathy be grateful and thankful for the expressions of love that I wanted to show to her instead of listening and responding to her heart.

"I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate."

Joel and Kathy team wrote Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His:

QUOTE:
I [Kathy] did not ever consider Joel to be physically abusive. The abuse was mental, emotional and spiritual. What is “spiritual abuse?” Spiritual abuse is when a man uses the Word of God to justify mistreatment of his wife. Instead of being gentle and kind toward his wife, he is harsh and condemning. He uses the popular submission scriptures to justify this harsh treatment and keep his wife “under his thumb.”

Joel discovered that he could use the Word to justify his inflicting emotional abuse upon and playing mental head games with me. I called Joel my “iron fist.” The iron fist would come down anytime I disagreed with him or asked him to treat me with respect.

The solution to spiritual abuse is found in Colossians 3:12-13. “Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” The solution is simple, yet seemingly an unattainable goal for a spiritually abusive man to implement in his relationship toward his wife.

I lived for years being reminded regularly that the man is the head of the home and that I had to submit to him if I was going to live according to the Word of God. “Anything that he says goes.” There was no talk of mutual submission as the Word of God teaches. If I questioned Joel’s authority and position as head of our home then I was that “nagging wife and dripping faucet” that Proverbs warned him about!

Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. You can be controlled in many ways. (Pg 49)

[Joel speaking]
Kathy and I have discovered through study of the Word that God desires the husband and wife to lead the home together as a team. This eliminates the opportunity for the husband to use spiritually abusive phrases such as, “You have to submit to me” and “I am the head of this
house.” (Pg. 123)

My ‘looking down’ on Kathy had simply been a pride- and ego-protecting mechanism common to abusive men. I married at my exact level. If I looked down on Kathy I had to realize that I had faults that were equal hers.

This realization pulled the rug out from under me. I used to assign errands to Kathy as if I was her dad. I would send her out the door knowing that if she did anything wrong or incomplete I would use her mistake as an opportunity to insult her, belittle her, put her down or just give her one of “those looks” that translated into, “How can you be such an idiot?” I always found something that she did incorrectly or incompletely.

...
It did not matter how good of a job she had done at accomplishing my detailed assignment. For some insane reason I wanted Kathy to realize how inept she was! I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate.

I now know that it was because I was afraid of losing her. By making her feel inadequate I thought that I could keep her under my thumb. By tarnishing her selfimage I could make her “feel” like she was fortunate to be married to me. If she lost me she would not be able to attract a quality guy. I rescued her from a low life!
(Pg 140)

Abusive men always think that they married “down”. This fantasy hides the fact that they are desperately afraid of losing their spouses. The physical, mental or emotional abuse is designed to keep their spouse off balance so that they do not feel confident enough to leave. This to the abusive man is his only hope of keeping his wife.

As someone said, “If he would just be a great husband, she wouldn’t WANT to leave!” Yes, this is true. By reading this book, an abusive husband can learn to be a great husband. He does not have to lock his wife in by degrading. He can lock her in by treating her with honor!

So God created man in his image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created THEM! Genesis 1:27

When God looks at your wife and you he sees your union as his crowning creation: “Man”. He sees you together as one rather than two separate and individual beings with different “roles” and “ranks”. This “roles and ranks” emphasis has been foundational in the Body of Christ for years. It contributes nothing that positively impacts a couple’s marriage relationship. Instead, it negatively contributes to justifying the controlling nature with which Christian men seek to dominate their wives. The emphasis needs to be re-examined and ultimately discarded. It serves no productive purpose. (143)

"I'm not too big on religion" Jesus said...

from "The Shack" by W. P. Young

...you're only seeing the institution, a man-made system. That's not what I came to build.

Mack was a bit taken back to hear Jesus talking about "church" this way, but then again, it didn't really surprise him. It was a relief. "So how do I become part of that church?"...

It's simple, Mack. It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now- just doing this- and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and live is all about relationships. You can't build it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it...

For Mack these words were like a breath of fresh air! Simple. Not a bunch of exhausting work and long list of demands and not the sitting in endless meeting staring at the backs of people's heads, people he didn't even know. Just sharing life...

I really do want to understand. I mean, I find the way you are so different from all the well-intentioned religious stuff I'm familiar with."

"As well-intentioned as it might be, you know that religious machinery can chew up people!" Jesus said with a bite of his own. "An awful lot of what is done in my name has nothing to do with me and is often, even if unintentional, very contrary to my purposes"

"You're not too fond of religion and institutions?" Mack said, not sure if he was asking a question or making an observation.

"I don't create institutions-never have, never will."

"What about the institution of marriage?"

"Marriage is not an institution. It's a relationship." Jesus paused, his voice steady and patient. "Like I said, I don't create institutions; that's an occupation for those who want to play God. So no, I'm not too big on religion," Jesus said a little sarcastically...

What Happens When Your Wife's Spirit Closes?

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley


Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife's spirit by:

-speaking harsh words
-telling her that her opinions don't matter
-being unwilling to admit when you are wrong
-taking her for granted
-making jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense
-not trusting her
-forcing her to do something that she's uncomfortable with
-being rude to her in front of others
-dismissing her needs as unimportant

Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you've done to close her spirit.

At our office in Branson, Missouri, we consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives's spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don't realize they've offended their wives. And one day the husband comes home to find his wife's spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like the sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!

If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him. Its fairly easy to recognize a closed spirit once you know what to look for. The most common signs of a closed spirit are listed here:

-she often has an argumentative attitude
-her facial expressions reflect anger or avoidance
-she is very resistant to discussing or agreeing on almost anything
-her hand is often cold and unresponsive when you touch it
-you sense she is avoiding you
-she often turns her back away from you
-she does not respect your advice
-she can become very critical of you
-she has few or no romantic or warm feeling toward you
-she walks out the door or files for legal separation or diovrce

Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you- who may find yourself with a closed sow bug instead of an an open wife- feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit....

You must make the decision and commitment to do whatever is necessary to relieve your wife's anger. For years now, I have practiced the following four attitudes to make sure that anger is drained out of our home on a daily basis.

"Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

quote from "Winning Your Wife Back Before its too Late" by Gary Smalley

Then use the list to occasionally review whether you are doing any of these destructive things again.

-Turning on the TV or computer while tuning out your wife
-Being sarcastic with her
-Ignoring or degrading her advice or opinions
-Criticizing her family and friends
-Overcommitting yourself to outside interests
-Talking to her or treating her as though she were a child.
-Living a double standard (doing things you don't allow her to do)
-Using profanity or name calling
-Letting things go around the house: ignoring her honey do list
-Letting your eyes wander to other women
-Criticizing the way she does things (housecleaning, child rearing, etc)
-Giving looks of disgust
-Raising your voice in anger
-Showing more attention to other people than to her
-Giving your wife the silent treatment
-Correcting her or being rude to her in public
-Pressuring her
-Lecturing her
-Ignoring her
-Honking the horn at her
-Breaking promises
-Making comments about women on TV or in magazines that make her feel inferior
-Holding resentment about something she did
-Coercing her into an argument
-Not trusting her
-Being unsympathetic when she is tired, ill, upset, or frustrated
-Not telling her that you love her
-Not attending church as a family
-Demanding that she be involved with you sexually when you are not in harmony
-Not being involved with household chores and care of children
-Criticizing her womanly characteristics or sensitivity as being weak
-Being unwilling to admit when you're wrong
-Reading or watching pornography
-Being stingy with money
-Not eating meals with her
-Complaining while doing something with her (having a bad attitude the whole time)
-Forgetting and/or not celebrating special occasions (her birthday, your anniversary, and Valentine's Day)
-Minimizing her efforts
-Not encouraging and supporting her interests
-Being impolite
-Wanting to do things that embarrass her sexually
-Disregarding her requests to read a certain book, listen to a tape, watch a video, or hear a speaker
-Continuing distasteful or harmful habits
-Taking her for granted
-Being preoccupied with your own agenda
-Monopolizing the TV remote control
-Blaming her for everything
-Being impatient with her: hurrying her to get ready, to finish shopping, or to get to the point
-Becoming absorbed in self-interests to the exclusion of her and/or the kids
-Kidding or making unkind comments about her body or age (about how she used to look or about how much she used to weigh)
-Questioning her spending
-Not consulting or honoring her in decisions to spend/invest money
-Telling her what to do
-Taking no time to prepare her for sexual intimacy
-Being unwilling to join her in the things she enjoys
-Not fully appreciating the mundane and exhaustive chores a wife and mother does (picking up clothes and toys all day, washing, ironing, vacuuming, doing dishes, sweeping, straightening, folding, running errands, making calls)
-always showing indifference instead of showing initiative and making plans
-Joking about her monthly mood swings
-Having an unkempt or unclean appearance
-Giving no thought to gifts for her
-Physically abusing her (from shoving to beating)

"Love and Respect"

Ephesians 5 love and respect in marriage.
from "Livin it and Lovin it" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

Quote:
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Ephesians 5:25-33

What is astounding about this passage is that Paul says so much to husbands and so little to wives. There are 183 words in the passage. Only ten small words at the end of the passage apply to wives, seemingly as an afterthought! What most people “get” from this passage are the ten words! The 173 words simply fade into the background of their minds...


What is really astounding and would make a great study in human nature is the amazing ability of men and women to give this one little phrase about respect the same billing! Ten words get equal billing to or even overshadow the preceding 173!
...

Some authors and commentators take this approach to Ephesians 5:25-33....


There have been large amounts of material written on the need for a wife to “respect” her husband. It has been said that a man’s greatest need is to be respected and a wife’s greatest need is to be loved. They point out that a wife is not told to love her husband in this passage but only to respect him.

What happens when a wife is pressured to respect her husband in the “real world” regardless of whether he first fulfills his responsibility to love? Many husbands do not take their responsibility seriously. They do not listen to their wife’s heart, they don’t spend time with them; they belittle or ignore their concerns. The wife then feels that pressure to offer her husband underserved respect.

Most Christian wives cannot disregard their perceived duty in the same manner that their husbands disregard the responsibility to love them with agape love. These wives feel a deep burden to be obedient to God. They often struggle to respect their husbands regardless of their commitment to love.


We do not believe that Paul meant for wives to respect their husbands regardless of their actions. We believe that this was Paul’s consolation to husbands who take seriously his admonition to agape love their wives.

Our message to wives is this: You do not have to offer undeserved respect to your husband. God does not require this of you. God has called your husband to agape love you. Four times in this one passage the message is repeated. Only after your husband is filling your cup with agape love are you asked to respond with a responsive, loving respect. Don’t worry wives; it is very easy to respect a man who is laying his life down for you!

He put a new song in my mouth

I waited patiently for the LORD;

he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40:1-3

I’m taking the Beth Moore course “Beloved Disciple” at the moment. She has several lovely paragraphs on singing “a new song” On Psalm 40:1-3, she writes, “If we are willing, we can also receive a new song from God that arises from hardship’s victories, not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on the heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be heard by others but they cannot be learned secondhand.”

God's will for Christian Wives- (OYE! What a DESPOT!)

quoted from "Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His" by Joel and Kathy Davisson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry,
bear children, manage the house, give no
opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.
1 Timothy 5:14

The word translated here as “manage” the house, means to be the head of a family! The Greek word is "oikodespoteo" (3616 in Strong’s) which means, “to be the head of” or in other words “to rule” a family.

Now it is getting hot in here.

The King James Version interprets this as to “guide the house”. That was a safe translation.

I can imagine that if the translators had translated the word literally that women are to be the head of a family or rule the family there would have been problems. They might have heard the much feared words from the king, “Off with his head!”

The word we just looked at, “oikodespoteo,” is taken from the word “oikodespotes,” which means exactly the same thing: to be the head of a family. King James translates this in other verses as “goodman of the house”, “householder” and “master of the house.”

For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that
is an householder, which went out early in the
morning to hire laborers into his vineyard.
Matthew 20:1

The word translated “householder” in Matthew 20:1 is the same word used to describe a wife’s leadership in the home. This person was in charge! He hired the laborers. This is a parable describing leadership in the same way that a wife is authorized to be the head of the house.

So that servant came, and shewed his lord these things. Then
the master of the house being angry said to his servant,
Go out quickly into the streets and lanes of the city, and
bring in hither the poor, and the maimed, and the halt, and the blind.
Luke 14:21

Here the word is translated “master of the house”. This is what the wife is supposed to be! The master of the house! How can this be? How can God tell both the husband and wife to be the head of the house together?

HE IS GOD! God planned it this way! God’s plan for leadership in your home is one of team leadership and mutual submission. Another word to describe mutual submission would be mutual “adaptation”.

What are we after? We are after teamwork and mutual respect when it comes to leading the family unit. That is what the Bible teaches; husbands and wives working together, leading their home as a team. The two become ONE!

You can do this. I know it is a new paradigm. Just remember that the goal is to grow up.

Adults do not always demand their way. Toddlers do. You really do not want to stay at the emotional age of a toddler.

Emphasizing that you are the head of the house and demanding that your wife submit to and obey you only does one thing. It leaves you as a forty- or fifty-year old toddler who throws temper tantrums when things do not go his way.

Quit living like this. You are better than that.

The only way for you to become the man that God has called you to be is to become the husband your wife needs you to be.

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Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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A common Christian notion emphasizes the need for a woman to always have a quiet spirit before she approaches her husband. She can come to him only if she conveys a positive, uplifting manner. A man who buys this philosophy usually rationalizes, “If my wife would just approach me in a nicer way, I would have a Christlike response. If she would stop being so offensive toward me, everything would be fine.”

Imagine if you would, a desperate woman approaching her husband with a soft, uplifting appeal. Keep in mind that his wife is to portray a pleasant look and a soft-spoken gentleness in her approach. She says, “Sweetheart, there’s something I regretfully submit to you because I’m sure it conveys a terrible spirit of ungratefulness in me for all you’ve done, but being crushed, my spirit is dying within me (Continued gentle smile, speaking softly.) I don’t know how a person could be so emotionally violated in a relationship. (Still examining herself for respectfulness in her attitude.) Although I know it is my problem, the hate I have for you is overwhelming. And because our relationship is deteriorating daily, the love I had for you when we were married has died. (Still maintaining a relaxed body posture and casual tone of voice.)”

If your wife said that to you, how believable would that be? Those words, spoken in that manner, would be totally incredible....

I’m not saying that hostility or bitterness is acceptable...

As a man, tell me you’ve never been mad at God. Tell me that when you are angry and reactionary, you don’t speak in negative terms to Him or anyone else. And when you were angry with God, did He reject you, or did He , in full understanding of your distraught condition, minister unconditional love and patience to you? Pg 75

Let me remind you that a wife is not oblivious to the fact that her hostile, angry, irrational responses are not godly. She feels guilty becasue she believes she is not responding to the grace of God, which she understands is sufficient for her.... You see, her knowing that her responses are wrong is also part of what is eating at her. It is heaping inner guilt on her and making her spirit even heavier.

Yet what is your purpose: to focus on her shame or to care for your wife’s spirit? Do you think you will minister to her if you merely get an admission from her that her responses are wrong?...

Isn’t your goal to build your marriage relationship so that its central focus is Christlikeness- letting your wife know that no matter what, she can trust you to respond with a Christlike attitude toward her?...

I’d like to emphasize the need to get past the tendency to point the finger of blame at what we perceive is “wrong” and move on the more beneficial territory of ministering to the need represented by the “wrong”

Imagine a friend coming into your house bleeding from a stab wound and getting blood on your favorite carpet. Would you scold your friend for getting blood on the carpet? Would you justify the scolding as necessary because “after all a carpet was not really made to be bled upon, was it?”

Wouldn’t it be more cruel if the one who did the stabbing (even accidentally) was also the one doing the scolding?...

My job is to help husbands see how they are stabbing the spirits of their wives. You see, if husbands stopped stabbing the spirits of their wives, they would no longer have to scold them because their emotions are bleeding all over their marriages... 139-40

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"The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is..." by Ken Nair

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is... by Ken Nair

quote:The biblical teaching that the wife is part of God's accountability structure to help us become Christlike is astonishingly threatening to men everywhere, especially to men in spiritual leadership roles...

The role of boss really means that the husband can disregard his wife's needs while abundantly taking care of his own...

I am constantly astonished thea men in spiritual leadership roles never seem to have read Philippians 2:3-4 in the context of their responsibilities in the home...

Contrary to popular notions, most wives do not want to occupy the throne in their marriages. A wife wants her husband to be her spiritual leader, but she is designed by God to feel secure only when she sees that her husband is not the final authority in their marriage, that he is looking to God for direction and guidance. Only then can she be confident that her relationship with her husband will be based on scriptural principles and not on her husband's personal preferences which she recognizes can be prejudiced or selfishly motivated. Rather than argue with her when a husband discovers that his wife truly feels that he is prejudiced or selfish, he should be willing to learn what he can do to change in order to restore her confidence in him.

From God's perspective, becoming Christlike is more important to a man that developing a home government in which the husband is established as king. And more important than being the boss is having the character traits of mercy and justice....

The Christian community seems to have wandered so far away from the idea that Christians must be like Christ that it's as if this is a new calling... pg 43-45

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #2

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair


quote:You see, if you want to discover the mind of a woman, you need to recognize that when she is talking to you about what you are doing or saying, she usually wants you to see the attitudes you are showing... And since God is concerned about attitudes, she is reflecting His concern to you...

When women talk about husband-wife relationships, they usually emphasize attitueds and emotions.... Need I remind you that God says a husband's responsibility is to understand his wife- not vice versa?...

Insisting that she see my side doesn't make me understanding...

Sure, go ahead and insist that your wife understand you. But it would be more Christlike if you said to youself, "I'm going to demand that I settle for nothing less than completely understanding my wife, even if it seems one-sided. I'm going to insist that she help me see my poor attitudes and emotional weaknesses." That selflessness on your part will not remain one-sided. Your wife will be drawn to you with deep deep love for you... pg 202-203

The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #3

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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What would happen if you gave your wife the freedom to express exactly how she feels about you and what you are doing? Would you feel threatened? ...

I’ve suggested a number of times that men’s unwillingness to give their wives the freedom to say exactly how they feel is at the heart of relationship disagreements... often a key reason they walk out one day, much to the surprise of their husbands... because of the muzzles their husbands have placed on them...

Initially I was taken aback to discover that some men are threatened by the amount of freedom I give my wife. They reacted strongly when I suggested... the value of giving their wives the freedom to help them recognize where they, the husbands, need to improve...

I am not suggesting that a wife demand the right to express concerns to her husband... Instead, I believe it is biblical for the husband to ask his wife to help him see himself through her eyes, to help him think something through from a different perspective....

I grant you, letting your wife put the binoculars on you and isolate genuine weaknesses, even sin, is not like taking a pleasant trip to the zoo....

However... It’s amazing what a difference personal transparency makes in a relationship... pg 185-6

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #4

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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Ignorance along with the flesh’s self-preserving nature, makes a formidable foe. If we do not accept the responsibility for providing Christlike spiritual leadership, we will also be incapable of receiving the messages God is trying to convey to us through our wives. Not living with our wives in an understanding manner carries two consequences: we do not receive God’s messages for our spiritual growth, and we make it difficult , if not impossible, for God to regard our prayers (1 Pet. 3:7) pg. 76-77

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #5

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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RADICAL CHRISTLIKENESS NEEDED
...
I'm sure you have heard many preachers and Sunday school teachers say that we as Christians ought to be Christlike. But I didn't find anyone in my experience as a Christian who was teaching or demonstrating how to rigorously apply Christlikeness to the husband's role in the marriage relationship or to the father's relationship with his children. Instead, the traditional teaching focused on the need for the wife to ve submissive to her husband no matter what. That teaching had been easy for me to quickly absorb and wholeheartedly accept.

What I didn't recognize, and I still find most men don't recognize is the full significance of Ephesians 5:25-27:

Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

We basically stop reading and internalizing what God is teaching us after the first part, "Husbands love your wives." As a result, we don't get the full implication of what it means to love our wives as Christ loved the church. If we did, we would begin to discover the minds and spirits of wour wives, and that discovery would transform the marriage relationship...

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #6

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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I Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

That provision includes more than money. It also includes spiritual leadership, emotional care, understanding, comfort, compassion, and friendship. It means that a wife must have a very high priority in her husband’s life...

A wife determines her husband’s Christlike character by his willingness to let her participate in his life. More often than not, that means that her husband is willing to be held answerable even to his wife as the Holy Spirit alerts her to his character flaws.

Too many husbands, even in our supposedly enlightened generation, reveal their natural tendency to think of themselves as the boss and ruler of the marriage. This attitude is reinforced by the popular notion in Christian circles that a woman’s only requirements in marriage are to be a silent, obedient, submissive wife. And that submission, regardless of conditions, better be with a gracious pleasantness, or she is not a good Christian woman. Implicit in this attitude is that wives are to be flawless- while husbands excuse their behavior by various rationalizations, none of which will hold up when they appear before the great judge of the universe. God is not deceived by spiritual rationalizations of inexcusable behavior in the home by self-styled Christian leaders.

We read in Proverbs 11:29: "He who troubles his own household inherits the wind." That is exactly what is happening in Christian marriages all over the world where men are unwilling to let God use their wives to bring about accountability for Christlike character...

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The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair #7

Quoted from Discovering The Mind Of A Woman The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistable Husband Is... by Ken Nair

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Pg 115-116
In the previous chapter we covered symptoms that reveal a problem husband, a husband who is not living with his wife in an understanding way, who is not demonstrating Christlikeness in his attitudes toward her, who is not being encouraging and supportive, as Christ encourages and supports the church through thick and thin. I have discovered that all of these problems reveal a lack of sensitivity, a failure to minister to a wife’s spirit.

“Right”, you may be saying, even a bit sarcastically. “I’ve got to take all the blame for what’s wrong. But if you knew my wife, you wouldn’t say that I had failed. She had all these problems long before I met her.”

Granted. But let me ask you how long you have been married...

“Okay... HAS SHE GOTTEN BETTER OR WORSE SINCE YOU MARRIED HER?” I ask.

What would your answer be? Without fail, the husbands reply, “WORSE”. I that is your answer, then my next question is, “If you are the spiritual leader in your home, and the job of a spiritual leader is to bring the one you are responsible for to spiritual maturity, then why has your wife gotten worse instead of better?”

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Holy, Holy, Holy

I read something in Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple" which I thought was a powerful observation.

"The holy place was the room where the priests ministered on a daily basis... the most holy place, which the high priest entered only once a year with fear and trembling... the term 'most holy place' actually repeats the original word for holy...'the holy holy'... We will join the seraph who cry 'Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty" (Rev 4:8)... Perhaps like me, you try to distinguish between members of the holy Trinity. Whom did John picture on the throne...? Before we immediately assume God the Father as the occupant or no distinction at all, please read Revelation 5:6. Where is the Lamb (Christ) depicted as standing? [Click here for the answer] I don't beleive the revelator meant us to picture Christ standing up on a chair. Our familiarity with a throne is entirely related to a piece of furniture. The word 'throne' seems to encompass the center, from which Christ presides with all authority... According to the comparisons with Daniel 7 and Revelation 5, both the Father and the Son inhabit the throne room. Could it be that in the OT God wanted most to reveal Christ and in the NT Christ wanted most to reveal God? I think it's quite possible and very likely of each of Them to shed light on the other"

Then I read Revelation 4 and 5, compared the words with which "the Lord God" and "the Lamb" were worshiped... imagine myself there... and wrangling over human "authority" grows strangely dim.

Rev 4:11"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."
~
Rev 5:11Then I looked and heard the voice of many angels, numbering
thousands upon thousands, and ten thousand times ten thousand. They encircled
the throne and the living creatures and the elders. 12In a loud voice they sang:
"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain,
to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength
and honor and glory and praise!"
13Then I heard every creature in
heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them,
singing:
"To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb
be praise and honor and glory and power,
for ever and ever!"
14The four living creatures said, "Amen,"
and the elders fell down and worshiped.

insofar as they reflect the mind of the Lord...

from Who's Your Covering by Frank Viola

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The Greek word most often translated “submit” in the NT is the word hupotasso. Hupotasso is better translated “subjection” In NT usage, subjection is a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating with, and yielding to the admonition and advice of another.
Biblical subjection has nothing to do with control or hierarchical power. It is simply an attitude of childlike openness in yielding to others insofar as they reflect the mind of the Lord….

Our Lord Jesus, as well as Paul, exhibited the spirit of subjection when they stood in the presence of official authority (Matt 26:63-64; Acts 23:2-5). In like manner, we are always to be subject to such authority. Lawlessness and the despising of authority are marks or the sinful nature (2 Pet 2:10; Jude 8) At the same time, subjection and obedience are two different things. It is a fatal error to confuse them.

How does subjection differ from obedience? Subjection is an attitude. Obedience is an action. Subjection is absolute. Obedience is conditional. Subjection is an internal matter. Obedience is an external matter.

…. one can disobey while submitting. You can disobey an earthly authority while maintaining a spirit of humble subjection. You can disobey while having an attitude of respect and reverence as opposed to a spirit of rebellion, reviling, and subversion (1Tim 2:1-2; 2Pet 2:10; Jude 8)
…

When the indwelling Christ leads a believer or a church to speak or act, they are backed by the authority of the Head. His is the only authority that exists in the universe. Jesus Christ, as represented by the indwelling Holy Spirit, is the exclusive wellspring, mainstay, and source of all authority….
The upshot is that leadership problems in the modern church stem from an obscenely simplistic application of official authority structures to spiritual relationships. This faulty application is rooted in a one-size-fists-all mentality of authority. But it is a profound mistake to transplant official authority into the Christian assembly- or into any other sphere of organic relationship (such as marriage).

Whenever a believer is expressing organic authority in the church, we do well to recognize it. To rebel against such authority is to rebel against Christ. For there is no authority without Jesus Christ as its Author. Consequently, to reject someone’s words when they are expressing God’s thought is to reject His authority….

…mutual subjection emphasizes power for and power among rather than power over. It encourages the empowerment of all rather than the power of a few.

[italics in original; bolding added by me]

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because of a lack of grace and truth in some churches...

from Changes that Heal by Cloud

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It is interesting to compare a legalistic church with a good AA group. In this kind of church, it is culturally unacceptable to have problems; that is called being sinful. In the AA group it is culturally unacceptable to be perfect; that is called denial. In the former setting, people look better but get worse, and in the latter, they look worse but get better. Certainly there are good churches and poor AA groups, but because of a lack of grace and truth in some churches, Christians have had to go elsewhere to find healing.

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"First Love"- Beth Moore quote

Unto the angel of the church of Ephesus write...
I have somewhat against thee,
because thou hast left thy first love.
Revelation 2

Beth Moore in "Beloved Disciple" (pg 165) says:

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"Notice that the church in Ephesus received tremendously noble commendations from Christ and yet somehow let go of the most important thing of all: her sacred romance with Jesus Christ.... Beloved One, you and I can work hard, persevere through extreme difficulty, refuse to tolerate wicked people, and accurately discern false teachers- yet still forsake our first love.

Ironically, many believers don't view an absence of fiery, first love for Jesus Christ as sin. They view it simply as something they lack. This misunderstanding may be part of the holdup. If God's absolute priority for all followers of Christ is love- for Him first and others second- then the absence of such love is sin. I don't pound this point to condemn. Remember, it's not an irreversible condition! I pound the point so that we can do what we must do to get on to the business of loving! God says "Repent!" Repent means turn. I believe God told them and is telling us to turn from whatever we have given a higher priority than our sacred romance with Christ. He tells us to pour our lives back into the first things.

Keep in mind that with the first things rightly established, all other things of value come to us as well. The church in Ephesus very likely allowed spiritual busyness and stalwart religiosity to displace love. Because everything else hinges on the laws of love (see Matt 22:40) over time all things of eternal value would have crumbled in Ephesus. Christ exhorted them to go back to the first priority of love so that all their works would flow form a boundless wellspring of agape. Surely this exhortation speaks to each of us."
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Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen,
and repent, and do the first works;
or else I will come unto thee quickly,
and will remove thy candlestick out of his place,
except thou repent.
Rev. 2:5

Beth explains:
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"That doesn't mean they would lose their place in heaven. We lose our lampstand when we lose our godly influence on earth. In other words, we lose our light in the world."
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God hasn't put a period at the end of our sentences yet..."

Thought provoking meditation from Beth Moore's "Beloved Disciple" (pg 153 )

"Read John 3. List each person identified and write a brief description __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Imagine being named in a letter that turned out to be inspired Scripture for all the world to see! Whether in commendation or criticism, having your name immortalized in scripture is a heavy thought! When I see a portion of Scripture with brief testimonials similar to the segment we're studying today, I almost shiver... At times I would have been anywhere from devastated to humiliated over what might be written in my life's theoretical one-sentence statement. I love knowing that as long as we're kicking and breathing, we can change the course of our testimonies. God hasn't put a period at the end of our sentences yet..."

GEM- May we all think twice about doing things we would be ashamed of were they “exposed”. They are visible to GOD, even if we succeed in hiding them from everyone else… The greek word “hypocrisy” means “mask”.

“the particular loneliness”–> the gateway to something new

I've been reflecting upon the particular loneliness that comes from a loveless marriage…...
Henri Nouwen talks about loneliness, pain, brokenness, suffering and I agree with him that precisely in the depth of the aching IS---> the gateway right into the very embrace of the ONE who loves me.

Quoted from Henri Nouwen tape Who are we? Exploring our Christian Identity

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“Befriend your loneliness, pick up your cross ... Precisely where we are painful, precisely where we are suffering there is the gateway that leads us to something new...if we are willing to embrace our brokenness we will discover that in the midst of all this pain there is joy... “

Sexual Sin Within Christian Marriage #2

From 1Thes 4:3-8, it seems there exist choices in how one possesses "his vessel" (some translations render "vessel" as "wife"; some render "vessel" as his own body. I think GOD deliberately used a word which can mean wife or body- and the teaching of the passage applies to BOTH. John Piper thinks the RSV rendering "wife" is more accurate- link ).

Back to the CHOICE in the passage:
Does he possess his wife/his body in "sanctification and honour"?
Or does he do so "in the lust of concupiscence"/"passion of lust"?
Engaging in the "passion of lust" is to "go beyond and defraud his brother". I think "brother" can be his WIFE (or her husband). His transgression/ his lusting transgresses boundaries and DEFRAUDS HER.

Here is the passage in 3 Bible versions:

quote:
1Thes 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: (AV)

1Thes 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity; 4 that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God; 6 that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you. 7 For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you. (RSV)

1Thes 4: 3 God wants you to be holy, so don't be immoral in matters of sex. 4Respect and honor your wife. [a] 5Don't be a slave of your desires or live like people who don't know God. 6You must not cheat any of the Lord's followers in matters of sex. Remember, we warned you that he punishes everyone who does such things. 7God didn't choose you to be filthy, but to be pure. 8So if you don't obey these rules, you are not really disobeying us. You are disobeying God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.

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Sexual Sin within Christian Marriage

From Why do I feel so down When my faith should lift me up? by Dr Grant Mullen

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Sex is primarily a spiritual act of oneness symbolized with a physical act. For it to be a blessing im marriage, there needs to be emotional and spiritual wholeness, free of domination, manipulation and control from either spouse. Emotional wounding or bondage in either person will damage and distort sexual intimacy. To have a healthy sexuality, you need complete trust, mutual respect and appreciation of each other which leads to oneness of body, soul and spirit. This creates a godly sexual soul tie.

An ungodly sexual soul tie occurs when sexuality becomes a tool of control. Yes, there can be an ungodly sexual soul tie even in Christian marriage. There can even be sexual abuse in Christian marriage which gets covered up by insisting on the scriptural submission of women to the will of the male. It is a sin to dominate, manipulate or control a spouse in any way, including sexuality. It shows disrespect and treats the person as an object to meet the emotional needs of the other. Sexuality can be used as a tool of punishment or reward to control the other spouse. When it is used as a way of reassuring yourself of worth or acceptance, it can easily become an addiction that drives you for more. A very simple test of sexuality is to ask yourself this question, during sex are you lovingly giving yourself to your spouse or taking what you believe to be rightfully yours? If you are taking then you are on dangerous ground!

In my observation, most sexual problems are emotional and spiritual, not physical. The solution is the healing of our wounds.

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quote:

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Heb 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous.

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What “defiles the marriage bed”?

Apparently, normal women tend to shut down sexually when they are treated badly:

quote:

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quoted from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
I remember talking frankly to two Christian men once about the ideals of Christian marriage. I cracked them up when I freely confessed, “You bet I’ve swallow arguments because I wanted something from my wife later that night.” They both admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that they too had done the same thing. I’m not proud of the fact that I’m less willing to stand up for my beliefs when I feel “the urge”- and I particularly don’t like the fact that what feels like a physical need directly my spiritual attitudes- but I can learn to use that physical need for spiritual benefit.

Let me put this succinctly: We can learn to use the sex drive to groom our character. Out of a need to be intimate with their wives, husbands may learn to show tenderness and empathy.

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From 1Thes 4:3-8, it seems there exist choices in how one possesses "his vessel".
Does he do so in "sanctification and honour"?
Or does he do so "in the lust of concupiscence"/"passion of lust"?
Engaging in the "passion of lust" is to "go beyond and defraud his brother".

"brother" can be his WIFE (or her husband). His transgression/ his lusting transgresses boundaries and DEFRAUDS HER.

1Thes 4:4 That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; 5 Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God: 6 That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter:

1Thes 4:3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from unchastity;
4 that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor,
5 not in the passion of lust like heathen who do not know God;
6 that no man transgress, and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we solemnly forewarned you.
7 For God has not called us for uncleanness, but in holiness.
8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.

Naked and Unashamed: "how terrible it must have felt... breaking their relationship with God"

from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller (relates to some reflection on "intimacy" in my marriage posted here):

I started asking myself why Moses would say five times that people were naked before the Fall, but after the Fall they went around with clothes on... Here is what I think Moses was saying: Man is wired so he gets his glory (his security, his understanding of value, his feeling of purpose, his feeling of rightness with his Maker, his security for eternity) from God, and this relationship is so strong, and God’s love is so pure, that Adam and Eve felt no insecurity at all, so much so that they walked around naked and didn’t even realize they were naked. But when that relationship was broken, they knew it instantly. All of their glory, the glory that came from God, was gone...

I used to think that when the Fall happened, man started lusting, getting angry, getting jealous, coveting, stealing, lying, and cheating because, in the absence of God, he became a bad person...
And then it hit me how awful it must have been for Adam and Eve... to have been tricked by Satan into breaking their relationship with God.

You and I have it easier. We were born this way. But I remember loving a girl back in Colorado and having her explain to me she didn’t feel the same and how for a year I lived in the attic of an old house in Portland, feeling an ache and emptiness in my heart I thought would never mend...
And this feeling, this feeling must have been so much more painful for Adam and Eve, this feeling of having an infinite amount of love pouring through their lives and then its’s suddenly gone... I wondered at how terrible it must have felt, at the fear of no longer feeling God, at the ache of emptiness and the sudden and horrifying awareness of self. God have mercy.

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Rest

whose adorning let it be
the hidden person of the heart
(I Peter 3)

quoted from When the Lights Go Out by
Graham Cooke

quote:

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I am choosing to live my life in hiddenness, so that when God's manifestation comes, it's a bonus. I want to live in that place of constantly yielding inwardly to find the presence of God- the place that, even in the eye of the storm is one of tranquility, of peace and of rest. In such a place, "rest" becomes a weapon against the enemy. You can exasperate the devil, because when he comes against you, you don't fight against him, but submit to God (see James 4:7).

In fact, it is not our job to fight the devil. Our job is to "step back" into God and experience His majesty and power. Christ has overcome the devil, so we need to focus on being "in Christ"... Real warfare is about discovering the majesty, the supremacy and the sovereignty of the Lord Jesus Christ. Warfare is about seeking the face of God and enjoying Him as your fortress and your refuge.

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Lectio Divina

"the Bible tended to leave her cold,
as it had been used

more as a weapon

than an instrument of grace..." Benner

I consider myself a recovering Pharisee which- perhaps- leaves my children with a similar burden of painful misconceptions about God as Angie carried (see the above quote). I pray that this excerpt from David Benner's book "Sacred Companions" will help someone to take some steps closer to the real Jesus (who is too often poorly reflected by those of us who claim His name)


QUOTE: (clips from pages 110-117)
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Every idea and assumption we have about God must be measured against the person of Jesus. For most of us this will give us an opportunity to redraw our image of God. This is one of the most important ways in which Christian spirituality matures- by allowing immature and incorrect ideas of God to be reformed. The filter for that reformation ... is Jesus of Nazareth.

Meditation on the Gospel accounts of Jesus’ life has been the core of many Roman Catholic approaches to spiritual formation. We Protestants do well to learn from them in this regard. Bible reading can take many forms. Nonmeditative reading may involve some reflection, but it is usually more oriented toward analysis and comprehension of content. For years I read the Bible this way, attempting to discover or be reminded of things that would help me live the Christian life.

Meditative reading is less focused on the words and more focused on the Word behind the words. In the case of meditation on Gospel accounts of Jesus, the intent is to come to know Jesus better. This involves lingering over the story long enough to allow yourself to meet Jesus in that account. ...

No one has anything to fear about imagination that is guided by meditation on Scripture and the Spirit of God.... Any moment in the life of Christ or any of his teachings or parables offers rich opportunities for meeting Jesus. Consider this fragment of a conversation with a woman named Angie with whom I worked in spiritual direction.

Angie struggled in her Christ following. Her personal history made her deeply uncomfortable in the church- any church- and her relationship to Christians was filled with ambivalence. However her spiritual yearning was fervent, and she entered spiritual direction out of a longing to encounter God more deeply.

After we explored the contours of her spiritual journey, I asked her about her experience of God. She told me how much trouble she had relating to Christ. Her perceptions of him were all tainted by dysfunctional childhood family and church experiences. I then asked her about her ability to meet Christ in church or in Scripture. She said that she was sometimes deeply aware of meeting him in the liturgy but that the Bible tended to leave her cold, as it had been used more as a weapon than an instrument of grace in her childhood.

...
Angie had been on the journey of Christian spirituality for a long time. However her progress was seriously limited by her unfamiliarity with the Jesus of the Gospels. Her ideas of God needed reformation in the light of the decisive revelation of God in Christ. She needed to get to know Jesus better...

The only way to come to know Jesus is through the Gospels. There is no substitute for meditation on Scripture as a route to a deep, personal engagement with God. Attunement to the Christian God must always involve attending to Jesus...

For some time after the session I recounted earlier, Angie continued to focus on Jesus, seeking to encounter him through the Gospels. Increasingly , however, she came to speak of the great difference between Jesus and the God of the Old Testament. It seemed important therefore for her to meet God the Father of Jesus as he revealed himself in the rest of Scripture. Again the goal was not simply to teach some point of theology. It was to facilitate her attunement to God.

I did this by encouraging her to meditate on the Genesis account of the creation and fall of humans. My instruction was for her to watch for the hidden presence of Jesus- the God of grace she had come to meet in the Gospels. Praying for eyes to discern grace, she went off to read and meditate on the first three chapters of Genesis.

She returned to our next meeting with considerable excitement. Something totally new had struck her. She was deeply impressed by the care God took to prepare garments of skin for Adam and Eve after they discovered their nakedness and were overwhelmed with their shame. She added, “Had God been like I have often pictured him, he would have wanted to rub their noses in their shame to make sure they learned their lesson. I was so impressed that what he seemed to want was to eliminate their shame, not exploit it.” This was a profound insight for her. It led to a cascading series of subsequent insights about the nature of God as she subsequently meditated on other Old Testament passages.

Scripture is given for our instruction and edification. In its totality Scripture presents the God revealed in Jesus and whom we seek to follow. The story of his pursuit of humankind despite our unfaithfulness is a story of grace. Biblical revelation aids our attunement to God by helping us encounter the Lord God of heaven and earth, not simply the god of our imagination, childhood experience or previous religious instruction.

~~~~~~~~~Lectio Divina (pg. 170)~~~~~~~~

... a modification of the classic lectio. It emphasizes four ways of reading (or listening to) Scripture, each named for the corresponding monastic form of meditation. It also involves reading the passage four times.

1. Lectio. Listen with your senses, without thinking too much about the meaning. Attend to your imagination, noting the smells, sounds and images that arise as you hear the passage. Allow yourself to enter into the setting using your imagiantion.

2. Meditatio. This time I want you to follow along in your Bible as I read the passage out loud. Use your thinking to reflect on the meaning and significance of the passage. Consider why the passage is included in Scripture. What does it mean? How does it affect your understanding of God?

3. Oratio. This time as you listen, I want you to attend to your feelings. Note your feelings and silently offer them back to God as a prayer of the heart. Comment in your prayer on anything in the passage to which you particularly respond.

4. Contemplatio. Before I read the passage a final time, quieten yourself, close your eyes, breathe deeply and regularly, and prepare to receive God’s Word. This time I want you to listen with your intuition- your heart. If something impresses you, simply notice it and then refocus your attention on what you are hearing. Don’t worry if you do not seem to have any thoughts or impressions. Simply remain open to the passage and to the Spirit. After expressing gratitude to God for your experience, open your eyes.
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The only way to heaven.... by Jeanne Guyon

Jeanne Guyon 1648-1717
Quoted from “Jeanne Guyon An Autobiography”

The only way to heaven is prayer, a prayer of the heart, of which everyone is capable, and not by reasoning, which is the fruit of study, or by exercise of the imagination, which, in filling the mind with wandering objects, rarely settles it; instead of warming the heart with love to God, they leave it cold and languishing. Let the poor come; let the ignorant and carnal come; let the children without reason or knowledge come; let the dull or hard hearts that can retain nothing come to the practice of prayer, and they shall become wise.

Oh you who are great, wise, and rich. Do you not have a heart capable of loving what is proper for you and of hating what is destructive? Love the sovereign good, hate all evil, and you will be truly wise. When you love anyone, is it because you know the reasons of love and its definitions? No, certainly....
None can exempt himself from loving, for none can live without a heart, nor the heart without love.

Why should any amuse themselves in seeking reasons for loving love itself? Let us love without reasoning about it, and we will find ourselves filled with love before the others have learned the reasons that let to it. Make a trial of this love and you will be wiser in it than the most skilled philosophers. In love, as in everything else, experience instructs better than reasoning. Come, then, drink at this Fountain of living waters instead of the broken cisterns of created beings, which, far from allaying your thirst, only tend to continually augment it. IF you could drink once at this Fountain, you would not seek elsewhere for anything to quench your thirst. While you still continue to draw from this Source, you will thrist no longer after the world. But if you quit it, alas! The Enemy has the dominance. He will give you a portion of his poisoned drink, which may have an apparent sweetness, but will assuredly rob you of life.

I forsook the Fountain of living water when I left off prayer. I became like a vineyard exposed to pillage, hedges torn down with liberty for all the passengers to ravage it. I began to seek the creature what I had found in God. He left me to myself, because I first left Him. It was His will, by permitting me to sink into the horrible pit, to make me feel the necessity of approaching Him in prayer.