Your desire shall be for your husband.

from Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson the chapter entitled "This Woman you gave me, Lord" which is available to read online here

QUOTE:
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Men, here it is. Your wife wants a fabulous and happy relationship with you. God made her that way. In Genesis God spoke to your wife concerning this desire that she would have for you.

Your desire shall be for your husband. Genesis 3:16

She wants you, baby, she wants you! However, what God created your wife to desire is a deep, meaningful, bonded, successful relationship with you.

Bonding with your wife is a difficult thing to describe. Bonding is believing that you are equals. Bonding is treating each other with love and respect. Bonding is loving the thoughts of your partner. Bonding is being sensitive to not hurt the one you love. Bonding is becoming ‘one flesh.’ Bonding is two hearts beating as one. When you are bonded you are not manipulating and controlling your wife. You are not demanding that she serve you. You truly love her for who
she is. When you are bonded to your wife she always knows where you are and what you are doing. You are never doing your own thing in order to maintain your independence.

At the same time you are not demanding that your wife be under your thumb. You are encouraging her independence and growth. You want her to be confident. You want her to know that if something were ever to happen to you that she would be perfectly capable of living a successful life.

Everything in your wife is designed by God to work toward a bonded relationship with her husband. If you will simply grow up, meet her needs, die to yourself and give your life for your mate, then her “ticker” will work automatically. In short order you will discover that you have a most incredible wife!

God made this real easy for us men, if we will simply lay down our lives for our wives and meet their needs. When you quit throwing mud into your wife’s heart, she will respond to you with love, affection, respect and everything else that you are trying to force her to do. The key to this is that you become the man that God has called you to be by becoming the husband that your wife needs you to be.

It was difficult for me to bring down the walls of “self protection” in my heart when Kathy expressed a need to bond with me. It was not just difficult. It was almost impossible. I could not stand the negative feelings that were generated in me when she would ask me to “listen to her heart” or “listen to her feelings.” She was hurting and I was the cause. I did not want to hear about that!

I protected myself from bonding with Kathy by “throwing down the gauntlet” regularly. If we were discussing something and I wanted to quit talking about it I would tell Kathy that the subject was closed. She would try to get me to talk it out in order to get that all important sense of closure. I would tell her that she was being rebellious and unsubmissive. “I said that the conversation is over and so it is over! I am the head of this house and it is sin for you to demand that we talk further about it. You have to repent and get your heart right.”

Each wife is unique and she has the manual for her own marriage. I was very proud of all of the marriage books I read before marrying Kathy. She was thrilled to marry a guy who seemed interested in having a great relationship. The problem came after we were married and Kathy began to express what she needed from me individually. If it were not my idea, I would resist! If she wanted to talk, I would buy her flowers. If she wanted to get some flowers, I would take her out to dinner. I was insistent that Kathy be grateful and thankful for the expressions of love that I wanted to show to her instead of listening and responding to her heart.

"I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate."

Joel and Kathy team wrote Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His:

QUOTE:
I [Kathy] did not ever consider Joel to be physically abusive. The abuse was mental, emotional and spiritual. What is “spiritual abuse?” Spiritual abuse is when a man uses the Word of God to justify mistreatment of his wife. Instead of being gentle and kind toward his wife, he is harsh and condemning. He uses the popular submission scriptures to justify this harsh treatment and keep his wife “under his thumb.”

Joel discovered that he could use the Word to justify his inflicting emotional abuse upon and playing mental head games with me. I called Joel my “iron fist.” The iron fist would come down anytime I disagreed with him or asked him to treat me with respect.

The solution to spiritual abuse is found in Colossians 3:12-13. “Put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another and forgiving one another.” The solution is simple, yet seemingly an unattainable goal for a spiritually abusive man to implement in his relationship toward his wife.

I lived for years being reminded regularly that the man is the head of the home and that I had to submit to him if I was going to live according to the Word of God. “Anything that he says goes.” There was no talk of mutual submission as the Word of God teaches. If I questioned Joel’s authority and position as head of our home then I was that “nagging wife and dripping faucet” that Proverbs warned him about!

Abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual or spiritual. You can be controlled in many ways. (Pg 49)

[Joel speaking]
Kathy and I have discovered through study of the Word that God desires the husband and wife to lead the home together as a team. This eliminates the opportunity for the husband to use spiritually abusive phrases such as, “You have to submit to me” and “I am the head of this
house.” (Pg. 123)

My ‘looking down’ on Kathy had simply been a pride- and ego-protecting mechanism common to abusive men. I married at my exact level. If I looked down on Kathy I had to realize that I had faults that were equal hers.

This realization pulled the rug out from under me. I used to assign errands to Kathy as if I was her dad. I would send her out the door knowing that if she did anything wrong or incomplete I would use her mistake as an opportunity to insult her, belittle her, put her down or just give her one of “those looks” that translated into, “How can you be such an idiot?” I always found something that she did incorrectly or incompletely.

...
It did not matter how good of a job she had done at accomplishing my detailed assignment. For some insane reason I wanted Kathy to realize how inept she was! I got some kind of bizarre satisfaction out of trying to make her feel inadequate.

I now know that it was because I was afraid of losing her. By making her feel inadequate I thought that I could keep her under my thumb. By tarnishing her selfimage I could make her “feel” like she was fortunate to be married to me. If she lost me she would not be able to attract a quality guy. I rescued her from a low life!
(Pg 140)

Abusive men always think that they married “down”. This fantasy hides the fact that they are desperately afraid of losing their spouses. The physical, mental or emotional abuse is designed to keep their spouse off balance so that they do not feel confident enough to leave. This to the abusive man is his only hope of keeping his wife.

As someone said, “If he would just be a great husband, she wouldn’t WANT to leave!” Yes, this is true. By reading this book, an abusive husband can learn to be a great husband. He does not have to lock his wife in by degrading. He can lock her in by treating her with honor!

So God created man in his image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created THEM! Genesis 1:27

When God looks at your wife and you he sees your union as his crowning creation: “Man”. He sees you together as one rather than two separate and individual beings with different “roles” and “ranks”. This “roles and ranks” emphasis has been foundational in the Body of Christ for years. It contributes nothing that positively impacts a couple’s marriage relationship. Instead, it negatively contributes to justifying the controlling nature with which Christian men seek to dominate their wives. The emphasis needs to be re-examined and ultimately discarded. It serves no productive purpose. (143)

"I'm not too big on religion" Jesus said...

from "The Shack" by W. P. Young

...you're only seeing the institution, a man-made system. That's not what I came to build.

Mack was a bit taken back to hear Jesus talking about "church" this way, but then again, it didn't really surprise him. It was a relief. "So how do I become part of that church?"...

It's simple, Mack. It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now- just doing this- and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and live is all about relationships. You can't build it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it...

For Mack these words were like a breath of fresh air! Simple. Not a bunch of exhausting work and long list of demands and not the sitting in endless meeting staring at the backs of people's heads, people he didn't even know. Just sharing life...

I really do want to understand. I mean, I find the way you are so different from all the well-intentioned religious stuff I'm familiar with."

"As well-intentioned as it might be, you know that religious machinery can chew up people!" Jesus said with a bite of his own. "An awful lot of what is done in my name has nothing to do with me and is often, even if unintentional, very contrary to my purposes"

"You're not too fond of religion and institutions?" Mack said, not sure if he was asking a question or making an observation.

"I don't create institutions-never have, never will."

"What about the institution of marriage?"

"Marriage is not an institution. It's a relationship." Jesus paused, his voice steady and patient. "Like I said, I don't create institutions; that's an occupation for those who want to play God. So no, I'm not too big on religion," Jesus said a little sarcastically...