from "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend #3

from Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend

Let’s suppose your spouse is aware of your feelings and concerns, but ignores, minimizes, or otherwise resists your boundaries. If this is your situation, you have some work ahead of you. It is hard work, but it can also be the most productive thing you will ever do for your marriage...You must not approach this problem as if you are a team. At this point, you have an adversary. Like a child having a tantrum, your spouse may hate you for entering the world of boundaries. So understand that you are on your own, within the marriage, in approaching the issue. Actually, you are not alone; you have God... But you don’t expect much cooperation from your spouse.A few things you may be tempted to do will not help the situation at all. Remember these, tape them in your wallet and DON’T DO THEM!

- Don’t deny or minimize the situation if it is a significant boundary problem. Hiding from reality doesn’t change reality.
-Don’t ignore the situation, hoping it will get better. Time alone does not heal character immaturity.
-DON’T become more compliant and pleasing, hoping love will fix everything. Again, character issues demand more than love in order to mature.
-Don’t nag. Repeating the same protest over and over never changed anyone (Prov 21:9)
-Don’t be constantly surprised at your spouse’s behavior. This is a sign of a defensive hoping against hope. When out-of-control people have no external forces causing them pain, they generally stay out-of-control. Expect things to stay the same until you initiate changes within the marriage.
-Don’t blame. Very few marriage boundary conflicts involve an all innocent and all guilty party. Take ownership of your part of the issue, taking the log out of your own eye. (Matt 7:5)
-Don’t take total ownership of the problem. If you rescue your partner from his part, you will only make the issue worse (Prov 19:19)